Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I have not fallen off the face of earth

I just haven't really put together what I want to say yet.  A new blog will be in the works soon though....

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

nothing.....

I have no idea what I want to write about today.  I've been nervous and praying a lot lately.  I'm ready for things to improve, something to go my way but it doesn't seem like its ever going to.  It disheartening and simply just hard to deal with.   How is all this sadness supposed to be Gods plan?

I haven't ran in over a week, I know it will make me feel better if I go.  Its just hard to make yourself do it. 

Im at this point where I either just keep the secret and put it away because nothing actually came out of it, or I tell and get people worrying about me and more sorrys.  Neither option sounds very good.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A fever and whirlwind of emotions

Yesterday was 9 months, 9 months since I put my 18 month old sweetheart down for a nap that she never woke from.  Yesterday my 6 year old daughter told me how she is scared of dreams, even if they are the good one.   I asked her why and she told me its because you can get stuck in your dreams and never get out.  I told her you can't get stuck in your dreams and she set me straight.  Yes you can, Megan went to sleep and was not able to escape from her dream.   So we had a discussion about God and how these things sometimes happen, but it really isn't something a 6 year old understands.  All she knows is that she is the only one alive and she doesn't understand it. 

Last night Emily had a fever.  In 9 months this is the first time she has been sick with more than the sniffles.  Figures it would happen after that conversation and on a anniversary day.  The last time one of my children had a fever, they died.  You  know in your head that you are worrying and scared over nothing but how is it truly nothing?  My 18 month old daughter had a fever, I put her to sleep alone for nap time and she died.   We don't know why she died, we will never know why she died but the fact remains that she had a fever and got stuck in her dreams and died.

So, its understandable that I was upset.  I tossed her in our extra bed and I crawled in with her and held her all night long while she shook from being so cold from that fever.  I had tears streaming down my face.  It was awful.   I couldn't let her sleep alone because last time someone slept alone with a fever they died.  I didn't know that this was going to be so hard.  The emotions and the fears.  I did ok though, I reached out to some friends who texted me until I felt that I could sleep.  I actually did sleep and it was comforting having her in my arms all night, feeling her chest rising up and down and her little heart beating. 

So milestone number 58 down?  We survived fever number one 'after'.  Today she is still feverish and quite whiny but shes ok.  Were ok.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The kindness in others

There is nothing like losing a child that says I need to help this person.  I need to do something for this person, send a card, send flowers, make creative little memories, names in the sand and etc.   Its all so wonderful and appreciated. Its so nice to know that others care because there is nothing you can say to me that is going to make me feel better that my 18 month old is gone.  Yet when I open the mail to a beautiful little rock that has Megan's name on it, or a picture of Megan's name in the sand from someone who went on vacation, anything and everything that lets me know you care, that you are trying to be there for  me it means so much and I don't think I have properly thanked people enough for that.  

Its all these little things that people do to reach out to you that make things just a little easier.  That kindness and the sadness that you share with me, not forgetting that she was here.  That she is important still and will not be forgotten.  

Knowing that you when you think of me, you hug your children a little closer, you give thanks for your blessings and when things are bad and you are at your wits end.  You remember me and it isn't so bad and It makes me feel like I have reached out to people and that they understand just a little.  Id still rather be on the other side, but ..... im not.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I miss her

Sometimes I just need to say that, out loud, where others can hear me.   I write so much of my feelings that I feel like I am losing that part of my pain, the part where I tell people standing in front of me how much I miss my daughter.  I miss her, its heartbreaking to be without your child.  Its hard mentally to go on every single day knowing you will never in this lifetime see them again.  I go through pictures and I look, I say look but really its more of a eye sweep.  I can't linger on those pictures because they make me cry.  Staring at her face makes it all so real, and it brings that pain crashing down around me.  So most of the time I just quickly look without really looking.  Just long enough that I can remember her face.

How horrible is that? I cannot stare at my daughters face because it hurts so much, I want to, I want to spend hours looking at pictures of her and remembering each and every memory but right now I can't. 

Life isn't supposed to be easier without her.  You want to get up and go sure why not.  You want to go for a run sure no problem.  Want to go shopping, sure no problem just be back by 3.  Its so much easier.  I can leave dangerous items all over the house and not worry about a toddler getting into things they aren't supposed to.  I can have burning candles on my coffee table, I can leave scissors on the floor.   I don't have to even think about baby proofing things, but occasionally i will catch myself and say "Oh don't put that there" and then realize its doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter at all and its not supposed to make things easier.  Its hard enough dealing with the fact that I am no longer needed, not like I was anyways.  Its hard and it sucks and there really isn't anything I or anyone can else say about it.  It doesn't get better time wise, its always going to hurt.  The only difference is that I can actually talk about her sometimes, I can tell people what happened sometimes and only get slightly watery eyes.  Whoopee doo, so maybe In a couple years I will just be dead inside to it and will be able to talk about it (if people still even want to hear about it) without a problem.  I just don't see that happening.

I miss her so much, I miss her voice, I miss her hugs, I miss seeing her playing with Emily.  I miss having little feet running around the house.  I miss not having a baby.  I miss not having people say "Oh isn't she just the cutest"  I miss buying cute little baby stuff.  I miss looking at my favorite baby sites and I miss her, everything about her.  I miss her so much that I wish one day I would just not wake up.  It doesn't work that way though and I am still needed and I do still have hope for my future but it doesn't make it any easier.  This pain is so overwhelming.  I'm only a little over 3 months away from her 1 year death anniversary.  I hate this.  I miss her.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The first thanksgiving without her.

Last year at this time I had two little girls.  I still have two little girls but only one is alive now.  Last Thanksgiving, Megan was sick.  It was the sickness that started the season of never ending sickness for her.  She was 14 months old.  She wasn't walking, she was cruising lots though.  Even though I no longer remember, I'm sure she enjoyed it.  I'm sure she had pumpkin pie and turkey dinner.  She was a good eater.   As hard as I try I cannot remember that day other than her being sick.  She had a horrid sinus infection.  Its all I remember and I want to remember more.  Its not enough. 

I'm thankful that I had her in my life for 18 months.  I do not know where I would be in life If I had never known her.  I miss her so much that somedays I think my heart will just stop beating because of the pain of missing her.  Missing such a vital important part of my life.  My little girl.  I cannot stop the tears this morning.  Remembering her, holding her, that beautiful smile, and that adorable  laugh. 

When I think of the pain and the sadness that I am in now, would it be better to have never known her?  If I had the choice to choose whether or not she was mine, If I could have chosen if this pain was worth having; worth knowing and loving her.  Yes I would, some days it would be easier to not have to live with the sadness, but to have never known her would be worse.  All the sadness and the tears in the world aren't enough.  She brought so much joy to this world, so much happiness because we knew her.  She was always happy to give away kisses and hugs, she loved playing with her sister and trixie.  She brought me to a  different level, I learned so much in the short time with her, about myself and patience. 

I struggle every day without her and there have been days where I want to rip every single  picture i  have of her up around the house, because that anger is so strong.  Why did she let go, why did she leave me?  I would have fought for her.  I didn't know a battle was brewing.  I didn't know it would end so quick.  I didn't know a nap time would last an eternity.  I didn't know. 

Losing a child is one of the worst things anyone will ever go through in their lives.  I am still reeling from the pain and loss and I don't see and end in sight.  I see her toothy little smile and I hope I never forget how soft her baby fine hair was against my cheek.  I Hope I never forget how happy she made me, how hard she giggled when you tossed her in the air.  I hope I never forget that little hyena laugh she had  and how it felt to have her  on my chest, breathing, snuggling in my arms. 

I am thankful that I knew her, I am thankful for the pain because pain is not forgetting.  I am thankful I was able to share her  with so many, that we were home with family for her entire life.   The army moves you around so much that there was a big chance we could have been elsewhere and her love and happiness would not have been shared or known.    I am thankful that I got to see Emily have a sibling if only for a short while.  I am thankful that they loved each other so much. 

Yet, I am angry and that is to be expected. I miss her.  I miss the person I was then and I hope I can find that person again but I will never be whole.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I hate you

Yes hate is a strong word.  I don't hate everyone, I don't even hate everyone I think I do.  It is just what pops in my head when I see you driving around with your kids not in carseats, not buckled and jumping all over.  Its immediate, that thought just floods me and for that moment in my life I hate you.  In the last week I have seen this 6 times.  Six times!
Why do you get to be so neglectful with your childs life and have them live? Why do you get to wake up to their kisses and hugs every single day?  You are an idiot.  You do not let your toddler jump all over the seat.  You do not put 6 freaking kids in the back seat of a honda.  You do not hold your 6 month old baby in your lap.  You do not flip me off when I open mouth stare at you while you pull out of the parking lot with kids jumping all over in your car. 
It isn't fair.  I would like to be a caring and loving person who understands that everyones situation is different.  I would like to not be so filled with rage because of the unfairness of it all.  The fact is I'm jealous and I'm hateful and maybe I am not a nice person.  Why? 
I want so much more than this. 
Why me? Why her? 

Friday, November 12, 2010

Last night I cried

I start thinking about my blog and things I want to say when I'm lying in bed.  The problem is, if I don't get up and write down the ideas then I lose them.  Almost anytime I start thinking about her while I'm in my bed, that day just comes back in total focus.  I know my head rests is where she took her last breaths.  Some days its almost comforting and some days its torture.  Your push your own face into that mattress and just breathe and breathe and breathe and wish that everything would just stop, life would stop.  I can breathe for a long time with my face smushed into the bed, why couldn't she?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A Pair of Shoes

Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I am just so sad

Today, I can't help it, I can't stop the tears from falling.  My heart aches for my daughter.  I can't even imagine what she would look like now, I can't imagine what she would be doing, she is forever in my eyes just a 18 month old.  That's all she will ever be. 
Today I feel like I am be swallowed by sorrow, I feel alone and scared.  I'm scared to move forward and I'm scared to stay here in limbo.  I wish I could go back into the past, so many things Id treasure even more.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

It wasn't enough

Every time I see a ambulance I wonder if they are the ones that came to my house.  I see them with their flashing lights and have no hope, because for me there was no hope.  She didn't get to go to the hospital.  She didn't get to leave my kitchen table.  All those tubes all those people and me sitting calmly on the couch knowing my kid was dead beyond hope.  Dead.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Emotions are a son of a "dog" sometimes

I am so emotional.  I know it has to do with the upcoming holidays and being without Megan for all of them.  I feel like I can't breathe, all I can think about is last year, or the year before.  My only 2 Halloweens, thanksgivings, Christmases.  It isn't fair dammit.  I didn't even get to have 2 birthdays with her.  I just feel so tired and worn out.  Like Ive given up on the good fight.  I just want to lay down and not get back up.

Friday, October 15, 2010

October 15th

I lit a candle, did you?

Its a hard day for me.  Its one month since my miscarriage, I feel like my grief has just overwhelmed me today.  It is so hard some days to realize, yes this really did happen to you.  Yes she really is gone.  Yes your 18 month old child died, it just doesn't feel real.  Like I will wake up from this dream someday and realize It just wasn't true.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

I hate this, I hate this, I hate it






I hate this life I now have to live.  I hate it, I have tears streaming down my face and I am just done.  I miss my little girl so much, nobody who has not lost a child could ever ever understand.  I had a great day today, I did, I had a really great time with my wonderful husband.  Emily was with grandma and we had a complete day to ourselves and we hung out and had a really good time.  We went and had dinner at a friends house, everything was just perfect but now I cannot stop crying.  I can't stop missing her and hating that I could have such a perfect day without her.  I had a moment, one moment during the day where I cried for a minute because of some off the wall memory with her in it involving a parking lot at a Charlies Safari.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

My Story, the loss of a toddler

*My story as posted on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope*

March 10, 2010 will be a day forever burned into my memory. It was a day I said good bye to my sweet little girl. I just didn't know I would be saying goodbye. I didn't know that it was a day I should hold her for her last nap, I didn't know that my world would come crashing down in a matter of seconds. There are enough bad things in this world, that a nap shouldn't be one of them.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Today I did Zumba and lot of honesty


I did it with friends and it was a lot of fun.  I'm one of the most awkward, no rhythm people out there and it was still a lot of fun.  I highly suggest it. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Its all I really get to do anymore, its not like I have little hands and  feet to keep me on my toes right.  See that right there, I make comments like that all the time, its my way of dealing with my grief.  Its seems so sarcastic and uncaring but in a way its how I mention her and her death, so that its not forgotten.  So that she is not forgotten.   Its been  6 months.  A third of her lifetime is gone, just like that. 

Today when we walked out of the daycare with my friends son, there was a little girl.  Around a year old probably, nothing really screamed Megan out to me about her, but then I saw what she was wearing and my heart just dropped.  I bought that dress for Megan to wear, one of those impulse purchases that she had to grow into.  She never got the chance to grow into it  though.  I really liked that dress and I'd forgotten all about it until I saw that little girl.  Without even meaning to, things are being forgotten and I can't stop it. 

I have always been the person who will defend everyone.  It drives my husband insane, if he says that person is a idiot, I should agree.  Where instead  I'm more like, maybe they had bad day or this or that.  I stick up for the little guy, that's how I'm hardwired.  Lately though, I want to walk up to people and shake them and ask why me?  Why the hell do you get do get to have your kids and I don't?  It isn't fair.  It isn't karma, I've never done something  bad enough  in my life that would equal my child's death.  Do you know how hard it is for me to look at another child and say I wish you would have taken that one, instead of mine.  I can easily walk into any store and point out a few kids I'd rather have dead than mine.  I have no guilt, ok maybe a little.  My child died, I held this child when she was sick, I nursed this child every day of her life, I sang to her, I played with her and I enjoyed every single minute with her.  I hate this life that I'm forced to live without her now.  I hate that she is gone and that I don't get to see her grow up.  I don't get to hear her speak in sentences, or learn to play games, I don't get to watch her joy in learning new things.  I don't get to see what she would have looked like when she was older and boy did I want to.  My brown eyed little girl. 

I'm not meant to think bad thoughts about people like I do now.  I judge you an I don't even realize I'm doing it till its to late.  I judge your parenting, how you interact with your children, I judge everything because for whatever reason I did something wrong.  Even if I didn't do something wrong, why do you get to keep your child? I feel like I'm studying people, is that how I'm supposed to act now, is that how I should have done things?  

This is not who I am.  I am a nice person.  I get told all the time by people who read my blog how inspirational I am, how honest and open I am and I don't see it.  There are so many dark, deep, terrible things that we moms of dead children understand.  Its almost like a 'if you really knew me' kind of thing, if you really knew what I was thinking. 

Can you imagine for just one second having the briefest moment, wishing that it was say your other child that died, your neice/nephew, your friends children, the neighbor down the street? Can you for one small moment even comprehend what kind of pain that brings that you would even have that thought pop into your head?  Of course I don't want my children, my family members, my friends children to die but its those kinds of things that go through our heads, those kinds of things that we don't mention to people because they will judge us because they are horrible thoughts.  Its a double edged sword.  On one end I would never in a million years wish this pain upon anyone else, but on the other end I'd trade spots in a heartbeat.  To have my child in my arms while I comforted you. To not endure this pain any longer.

 I started this blog because I wanted people to read it, I wanted people to know the pain that I am in.  Mostly though, I want people to know they are not alone in this situation.  These dark thoughts, we have them to.  I would have gone crazy had it not been for the women that reached out to me when I said, Hi, I'm suffering... with the same pain as you.  Help me help you.    We talked hours into email, crying over each others writings.  Thankful to know we are not alone, that we are not crazy, that someone else has these thoughts.  That someone else cares.  Thats why I started this blog because I want to reach out to those moms who might not have people to talk to.  It is a lonely road we walk.  It isn't something you could ever understand, until you too walk this road. 

I am a mother and I love my children with every fiber of my being.  I would do anything for my children, I would die a thousand deaths to bring my child back even if I couldn't be here with her, or to save them from pain and heartache.  I had so many plans and dreams for her.  She was never truly  mine though, some would say.  We are entrusted with their care for however long.  Maybe she has it easy, she will never know heartbreak, or pain but she will also never meet her prince charming, or experience the absolute joy of looking into your child's eyes and telling them you love them. 

There are days I don't want to move on because every day is another day away from her.  Its also another day closer to being with her, Its just right now the pain is so fresh and still so painful that I just can't have that kind of optimism. 

I have found that I can still smile and enjoy my life because thats the kind of person I am.  I'm more jaded now that I ever was.  I have a little less love and forgiveness and lots more anger and some jealousy thrown in.  I'm still me though. 

Hug your children close because if nothing else that you read from me, understand this.  I too once thought that It would never happen to me.  I too thought that these things happen to 'other people'. 

Turns out I became the 'other people' and it can happen.  Things happen every day that we cannot control and it can happen to you.  Enjoy your children, enjoy their smiles and their love, because in the end that is all that matters.  Family, love and happiness.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

200 days

I know I should get rid of the countdown that tells me how long its been since I last got to hold my sweet baby girl, but I can't. Not yet anyways. Two hundred days. Can you even imagine? Most countdowns have a ending in sight, but not mine. There will never be a end to that countdown until I die. I will never again see her in this lifetime and hurts. I try to comfort myself with knowing she is with "the Lord", that she is comfortable in His Grace, His arms protect her and all that wonderful "Godly" stuff. It just doesn't always work. I'm not there right now. I'm trying, but I hurt, my heart simply aches for her and its such a unbearable pain. A pain I have to endure. I'm angry but I'm getting not quite  as angry if that makes sense.

If I didn't have faith that she was in heaven and not alone right now I'm not sure how I could go on. Even now I think about her body, her poor sweet body, in the ground. She was cremated and her body rests on top of her great great grandmother. When the moments of darkness creep in its absolute and the pain is so raw and so unfair that I let go and I cry.The utter despair.   Lately I've not felt so alone, with some of this  anger letting go I can bring some of that sorrow to Him and I'm not so alone and it doesn't feel so dark. I am not totally there yet.  I'm trying to understand and to forgive. These things happen, I don't think I was singled out for it.  Its a pain though that I hope none will ever have to feel, but I know that it will happen again.  Death happens.  This isn't something I would normally write about.

I am proud of myself. I am not a go getter like I wish I was. There are so many things Id like to do I just don't seem to have the ambition or the drive right now. Yet I get up every day, I smile every day and I tend to my family every day. It hurts to be without Megan. Some days I can't even look at her pictures and they are everywhere. I can't focus on her because its hard. Some days I can't stop staring at her. I can't stop thinking of how she would look now. How much hair she would have (hopefully). She was such a joy, she brought so much joy to life. She was so happy and so easy going. So loving. I get up everyday and I go on. I live with the guilt, and I live with the pain, and I live with the sorrow every single day but I go on. I am not a robot, my life still has meaning. She was my life but I can't fall into that pit of despair because I love me, and I love my family and I want more out of life than sadness. There is nothing I can do the change the past. I will always have unanswered questions and I will always look for the answers.





I remember the day I learned her diagnosis of S.U.D.C, sudden unexplained death in childhood. I was at the gym. I had just completed my first ever 5k. I was so excited, I was so proud and then just moments after completing such a milestone for me, the phone rang. It was a diagnosis I was expecting but all parents hope and pray that they will have some kind of answer. SUDC is a diagnosis of exclusion - given when all known and possible causes of death have been ruled out. S.U.D.C. fact sheet
I went from a complete and total high to a complete bottomed out, air released bubble in seconds.  You hope and you just pray for a diagnosis, a reason any reason that your child died but you don't always get it.  Many times you don't get it in this situation. 
How do you advocate for such a thing?  I can tell people about SUDC but does it really affect them? I'm basically telling your child over the age of 1 can die at any moment if SUDC decides to take them.  Isn't that awesome?  At least SIDS mommies get to have the, bed-sharing is bad, use a fan, cover your mattress, baby to bed on back, things like that.  What do I get? Um, well lets see, toddlers are quite adept at moving their heads, you cannot force a 18 month to sleep on their back, I had a fan in my room.   There is nothing that you can do prevent it.  I'm like the bearer of gloom when I talk about it.  Nobody knows about it and i hate that.  Who would want to know about such a thing anyways.

I think this picture is the last picture I have with her.  It was taken sometime in February. 
Here she is in February probably asking if her crown was on straight.
Her sister misses her so much, she is just so matter of fact about her death that it kills me sometimes.  When we celebrated Megan's birthday she just couldn't understand why we would possibly do such a thing when she isn't here, shes dead.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I didn't want to have this conversation

The rain has been pouring down, I remember the rain the day Megan died. I remember stepping outside the next day in the sun, having that warmth on my face while my tears ran. I remember it feeling like I had been kissed by the sun, but I was so angry that as soon as I realized that I turned away and went inside. How could I not be angry? Am I selfish for wanting my daughter with me? Why was she sent to me? Why was she trusted to me if she was just going to be ripped away. Ripped away from my heart, my hopes, my dreams.

When i told Emily about this baby going to heaven, she immediately started crying. There was not a moment of stopping to think about what happened, about what i said, it was just pure pain at knowing again someone else went to heaven and shell never see them again. She told me that she knows she has told us that she wanted a brother but (add in sob) she really really wanted another little sister to play with. Shes tired of being alone. She said why am I the only one who isn't dying? We told her that we are all dying, we are born to die. Some of our lives are longer than others, some lives barely have a chance. Some lives are only with as for a short time, just long enough to make a difference, if you let it. Its heartbreaking to speak about death with a child who just doesn't understand how she wants to be able to understand. I had told her once that I was tired of yelling, that it wasn't good for me or for the baby. She asked if me yelling was why the baby died. She asked if we will try again, and I told her yes. She wants to know if this one will die to, what if they all die mom?

What do you say? What do I say? How do I answer that? She is 6 and she is speaking my heart, my pain and there are no answers. All we can do is have hope.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

More heartbreak and Hope

Yesterday I found out that the baby I was carrying went to heaven to be with big sister Megan 3 weeks ago. My body just hadn't accepted it, I had a d&c last night thanks to all the wonderful people my mother in law works with. Don't know what I would have done without her and her friends. Having my husband and his mom just completely take over was such a blessing. It was a very frustrating day dealing with our insurance and doctors offices who didn't know how to deal with insurance and on and on and on. I'm lucky to have people in my corner who love me unconditionally and will do whatever it takes to help me get through whatever i have to get through.

I went to the doctor for a scheduled appt. When he was unable to hear the heartbeat I started bawling. I couldn't help it. I had been telling myself for the last week that If we didn't hear the heartbeat at this appt, then this baby was gone. 11 weeks is early to hear the heartbeat on a doppler, but I had heard it both times with the girls at 10 weeks, and with one of them I was 30lbs heavier than now.
Even though in a normal case, my doctor would have just sent me home and said come back next week.. we will try then, I'm not a normal case. He knew that I was distraught and really needed confirmation. He set up an ultra sound at the hospital for me.

This ultrasound was one of the worst experiences of my life. Not just because of the obvious, but it took an hour to the exam. There was sign on the wall that the said the ultrasonographer is not allowed to speak about what is going on, they can tell you nothing. Answer no questions, she made sure I understood this before she ever started. So imagine lying on a bed in the dark, alone, with a monitor pulled away so that you can't even glance at it. Even if your baby was alive that would be an awful experience. It took an hour and in that hour I kept asking her if I would get to know if this baby was alive or not before I left. She kept making it sound like that I would leave the room and my doctor would call me later on. So not acceptable, I told her that i will want to see her boss because there is no way in heck am I leaving without an answer. I remember everyone asked me multiple times (my doctor and sonographer) if I wanted someone called. I had thought about asking my husband Micahel to come to this appt, I thought about asking Michelle to come. When they then sent me for the ultrasound I thought about asking Karla to come, and again my husband to come be with me. However I really wanted to be alone and I don't know why. I think I just really knew that it wasn't likely to be good news and I needed to be able to process the information before I had to share the news. I feel so bad I had to tell hubby the news via text but inside the hospital phone service is very iffy.

I remember sitting in thatultrasound room for so long by myself and as soon as my actual doctor walked in the door I knew right away it was gone. I knew before that, I knew in my heart something wasn't right, but that hope gets you every time. I remember him saying that it seemed like the uncertainty of it all was worse than the actual knowing. It was, it took me a good 15 minutes before I actually started crying. I cried, I downright sobbed in the car. Hated knowing that once again I would have to endure the 'sorrys' Those words you start to hate them but you know they have to say them. Everyone wants you to know that they care, I get it. Its just that I've had enough sorrys to last a lifetime.

I have amazing friends and family. I am extremely blessed. I now have 2 angels in heaven. It was definitely not something I was expecting. A part of me did though, I had no symptoms other than frequent urination and once in awhile sore breasts. It just didn't feel right, but I never had any signs that something was wrong either, no bleeding, no cramping. So when 11 weeks hit and I realized the second trimester was just around the corner I started letting myself hope. What a mistake, but man I was hoping, talking to this baby telling it how excited I was to meet it. How scared I was because I know i would have to let it sleep. I was starting to connect, but I'm thankful it happened now and not say when it started kicking me.

I've already experienced grief, a grief that was so much more profound, so much deeper than this. I'm not trying to make it sound trivial but in a way it feels that way. How can i truly grieve over something I never met, I never felt. I'm sad for what should have been. I'm ready for this and knowing I have to wait even longer for a new family member to enter our family sucks.

I told many people that If this baby died I was done. I couldn't imagine then that I could even attempt to do it again. I felt like it was my only chance at redemption. If it didn't happen maybe I wasn't supposed to, or deserve a second chance at this. You can't stop what your heart feels, you might know that it is silly to think things like that but how can you not? I don't have an answer for Megan dying. I will never have an answer to my 18 month old daughters death. How do I know I didn't do this somehow, that it was my fault that she died, my fault for not advocating strong enough, my fault for making her take a nap without me because I wanted to clean. When she was not feeling good, when I had a feeling I should check on her and I brushed it off, when I heard Trixie barking crazy at the same time and a little voice in my head said check on her and I didn't. I didn't want to wake her because I would have to disturb her soon enough to get Emily from school. She wasn't feeling good and she needed to sleep but I ignored my intuition. I walked away from her. How do I know this isn't God is saying no, you don't get a second chance at this.

I'm not done. I feel at peace with this and have so since coming home from the hospital. I am ok, these things happen. I didn't do anything wrong. Miscarriage's happen. I am seriously ok, of course I am sad. I had my heart set on a March baby. Something else to look forward to when that one year anniversary comes up of Megan's death. Id have a new birth, a new life to also celebrate. It wasn't meant to be, but now Megan has a sibling to play with.

I miss my daughter so much. She was a such a beautiful and bright and entertaining, loving little girl. I do know its not my fault but this is my blog and I can write what i want! Anyone who loses a child replays things over and over and over. You question everything. My friends will always be there to tell me it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I can do and my friends will always listen to me when I need them. I love my friends and family, thank you for being there.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Life is hard

I miss her. I miss her every day. The waht ifs are torturing me. What if I had held her for that nap, like she so wanted me to do? What if she would be alive right now if I had held her. If I hadn't walked out of that room and away from her.

How do I know I won't make the same mistakes with this next baby? Thinking of a baby sleeping terrifies me to no end. As it is, I'm constantly checking that my husband and Emily are breathing at night. I barely sleep anymore. I picture how i found her, like it was her reaching to me when I walked out that door and falling and dying right then. Do I know that it isn't completley my fault? Of course I do, but how could anyone not question themselves? Its impossible to not. Do you think I like telling myself I don't deserve a second chance? It kills me to even think it but it doesn't stop my brain from wondering.

She was supposed to be it, she was supposed to be my last and then she dies and I pressure my husband into getting me pregnant again and now I don't know what I'm doing. . I have a child in school all day long and what do I do to contribute to our family? Nothing I keep a mostly clean house clean. Woopie freaking do. All I wanted to do was be a mom and now I'm just half a mom.

I know that I should be down on myself, but it comes in these bursts and I cannot help it. I am not suicidal, I am not overly freaking depressed. I can function, I smile I laugh. I can still enjoy life. I have every right to be sad when i want to be sad because the light of my life is not here anymore. I have this right. Until you have walked a day in my shoes you will never understand this raw unbearable pain. The longing to hold and kiss her again. To see her grow up. It isn't fair.

I'm tired.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

My mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a Survivor


My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.

For no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

First day of First Grade

Where has the time gone?. (Here is my attempt at a slightly normal post).


It seems just like yesterday she was just a itty bitty thing and now shes going to school, all day long. She is so excited and so nervous at the same time. She got a new haircut yesterday with bangs and has been just going gaga over herself. Its so funny, she keeps saying how different she looks and how much she loves her bangs. I'm so glad I got her haircut yesterday and was brave and let the lady do it. Its bouncy and fun just like Emily's personality. Full of sass, to much sass sometimes!




















Thursday, September 2, 2010

Happy Birthday Megan

















Its been a month since I last posted and I'm very sorry. I've been wanting to write and write but I just couldn't get the words out. I feel like I should be writing things that are more uplifting if that makes sense. I feel like everything I write is sadness and I know it makes it so others can read my pain and for a short second maybe understand what I am going through. I just want to write something that gives someone hope.
Today is Megan's birthday. The days leading up to her birthday have been awful, I cried for days and when today finally came, I realized I was ok. The anticipation was just so hard, all that pain. 176 days. She has been gone for 176 days. It feels like a lifetime.

I keep getting mad and just think how unfair everything is, how sad I am without her here. She was such a blessing and so happy. She was born at 12:37pm. I miss her with all my heart, your children are not supposed to die before you. It isn't fair and it isn't right. This isn't something anyone is supposed to handle. I tell my daughter all the time that "Life isnt' fair" but I had no idea it was going to throw me this kind of a curveball.


Today we did as much celebrating as my heart could handle. We decorated her stone with chalk drawings. We wrote on balloons and released them. I'm hoping next year we can maybe even add a cake into the mix. Maybe buy a present for a 3 year old and donate it to the cancer wards or something. Make a donation to the SUDC, I just don't know.
I'm trying to not cry right now, I just really wanted to post a blog on her birthday. I'm going to attempt to write more often, attempt to move away from some of the pain. Thank you all for reading.




























Monday, August 2, 2010


August 2, 2004 my sweet Emily made her appearance into the world. Today she is 6 years old. Such a special birthday for her and I'm so proud of her. Yet I can't stop thinking that in just 30 days, it will Megans birthday. We don't get to celebrate her second birthday, not like we should.

Today I have to be happy and not let the tears flow. We are going to make a cake any cake she picks out with any frosting she picks out. When dad gets home we will open presents and either go play at charlie safaris or go to a movie. Its not completely decided yet.

Right now at this moment is the only time I'm allowing myself to cry because I will never experience this age with Megan. I still question why and how a person goes on after facing something like this. It isn't fair. I don't understand. I just want to be happy again without all this pain in my heart. I want to smile and not feel so fake.


Today Is Emily's birthday and she deserves to have a fabulous day. Happy Birthday my princess number one. May lots of hugs and smiles and joy shape your day.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Life will never be the same










When Megan died, I realized my life would never be the same. How could it, with such a vital part of my life missing? Its a change that I've had to accept in order to wake up each day. To smile and laugh again. I have an amazing family that without them, I'm not sure how I would have been able to keep moving forward. I am a strong person, circumstances forced it upon me. Sometimes I have dark days and dark moments and some days I am ok, even more than ok.

My life without Megan will never be what it was, the absolute joy she brought into my life will never be replicated. Other joys however will come and I'm ok with that. Megan spent her blessed 18 months here with us being the happiest little girl I had ever known. After knowing her I am a better person; having kids, it changes you. For the most part it changes you to be a better person, to be strong where you once might have been weak. To learn to put others before you, to be selfless. To speak up when you once would have kept quiet. You watch them sleep and you pray that they will never know pain, that they will grow up to be strong, respectful, loving and kind. When something happens to one of them it shakes you to your core, you wonder what you did wrong. You wonder if its karma, you wonder if you could have done something to change things. Its what will happen, you can't escape it.

Megan was a beautiful little girl. My heart breaks that I will never see her grow up but I am thankful for the time I had with her. I'm thankful for how she changed me and in doing so will help me while I tackle this journey again. Babies are such incredible little beings, you can't look at them and not feel protective, you know that you will do anything in your power to protect them for the rest of their lives. Its learning to forgive yourself when things don't go the way you thought they would that is hard. So very hard. You doubt everything, maybe I didn't do it right? I must have done something wrong, how can I be trusted with another life? Am i worthy? Do I want to be worthy? A new baby will help us all heal because while it isn't a replacement its new hope, new joys. I'm terrified of what this will mean. What If I have another brown eyed baby girl? Are people going to look at pictures of Megan and assume its this new baby? I'm so scared yet hopeful, thankful for this second chance.

Somebody recently told me If people start not wanting to hear our stories about our little girls then they are not people we need to be around. I had told her that I sometimes didn't know how to answer the question of "how many kids do you have". Sometimes I don't want to tell people the story, sometimes its easier to say one. Yet it hurts to even think that because I will always have two girls. I'm always so scared that when I share my Megan stories people will feel awkward. But she was a part of me and will always be a part of me and I have to share her, I have to keep her memory alive.

I'm pregnant. I'm so happy to have this chance again. I know I will never feel complete without Megan by my side but maybe this baby will help us through the grieving process a little easier. This baby will know all about their sister. I'm so scared as well, everything is so much harder. You question everything, every cramp, every twinge I run to the bathroom. While Ive had two very easy pregnancy's I'm absolutely terrified that this time It won't be. That I truly don't deserve this chance again. How am I ever supposed to let this baby live a normal life if I'm going to be scared each and every moment it sleeps? What if I have that fear again? What If I hold this baby in my arms and it dies to.

Of course I'm scared and of course I will do what needs to be done. I have to confront my fears sometime and I will. Its unreasonable to think that I won't be scared, that I won't second guess everything. I had a child die, I had a child who was supposed to past the safe mark die. For no reasons that anyone can find. Her autopsy results leave me questioning so much. I understand the results didn't contribute 100% to her death but they are there for a reason. They point to something and I want more answers than I've been given. Its the unanswered questions that I just can't let go of.








one hundred thirty nine days

Every day I want to write but I find myself falling into a rut and I can't get the words out. Today marks 139 days. One hundred thirty nine days since I last saw my little girl. Since I hugged and I kissed her. Some days I don't understand how I will ever find joy again. I wake up every day just wishing I could turn over and find her laying there, smiling and ready to start our day. She will be turning two soon but thats a lie since she will forever be 18 months old. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle her birthday. Will I celebrate her life and the happiness she gave me or will I do nothing but cry all day.

When a child dies a part of you dies with them. Its a completely different reality that we have to face, as members of a group we never wanted to be a part of. We will never see our children again in this lifetime. There will be no watching them breathe, laugh, smile, enjoying life. We will never again hear their sweet voices say I love you. As a parent you are always trying to fix things, to make things better. I cannot fix this, I am helpless, I feel like I have no control. The guilt is so overwhelming sometimes. Every day I try and remember something. I do not want to forget a single second of her life. As time passes though, we will forget. Can you imagine what that fear is like. How horrifying it feels to know that they are slipping away, that those memories you hold dear will at some time become just memories, some of them forgotten. You want to hold on to everything but
its not going to work. My child died, she is gone forever. I will never again in this world see her. Day after day, month after month time is slipping by and she going farther and farther away.


A part of you dies when they die. Its a part of your soul that just no longer exists. Its scary, its empty and its lonely. With no warning a part of you is just gone. No one truly understands, there are no magical words you can say to someone grieving. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for emptiness you must feel, the undescribable pain you must be in, I'm sorry that I do not have the words that will fix this. I'm sorry is all you can say. "I don't know how you go on, I could never do it" I hear that so often and its a comment that I'd like to slap you for. Don't you think I one time said the same thing? Do you really think that I was chosen to have this loss because I alone could handle it? I want to die sometimes because theh grief is so hard. I know that if I don't embrace the grief though I will never heal. If i turn away from my grief and push onward it will kill what is left of me. I may feel like a shell of a person sometimes but I am still me, I am still here. Waking up everyday is a acomplisment because it is hard but I do it for me. There are people who need me and for whatever reason I feel the need to reach out other to other moms who are going through this pain. If i can help one person with my words, If I can reach one person and make them understand that you can go on. That it will never be easy but you can go on and that you will feel joy again then I can close my eyes at night and have some peace in my heart.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Not sure what to write here

I cannot stop thinking about you tonight. My arms ache to hold you again. My heart hurts and I can't catch my breath. It isn't fair. It isn't fair. I never get to hear you say mama again, i never get to have one of your kisses again, i never get to see your smiling face again. Not in this lifetime. It isn't fair. It wasn't long enough. I didn't know, I'm so sorry baby. I should've done better. What I wouldn't give to go back, to hold you for that nap. I have spent four months without you. FOUR MONTHS and it feels like forever. I have never known pain like this, nobody should ever know this pain. I want to honor your memory, honor you but tonight I cannot stop crying. My grief is overwhelming and you are gone. I don't know what to do or what to say I am so lost without you. These things happen, thats what people say. They shouldn't. Like its comforting or something. Its like telling someone who miscarriages that her baby must have had something wrong with it. THEY shouldn't happen. They shouldn't tell me there are no answer as to why. I go back and forth in the research and I'm making myself crazy. I cannot let it go, she was my baby. My sweet wonderful always happy and such a complete and utter joy baby. Oh Megan I miss you so much, I miss the crying all day every day. Now when I cry people ask me whats wrong. Whats wrong is this is all wrong. Your beautiful smile, I miss seeing it. I wish I'd dream of you. You should be 22 months old, but you will never grow. Your sister asked if you would grow in the dirt, get bigger and bigger. You made me a better person. You made me laugh every day, you made me smile all the time. You are so special, and I love you so much. I know you are with God. I know you are safe and hopefully happy. I know one day we will be together but it doesn't help with the now. I carried you for nine months inside me. My already perfect baby who slept when i slept so unlike other children. OH Megan it wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I wanted to see you grow up, I wanted to see you with hair, see if you kept those brown eyes. I hoped for so much. You still make me a better person. I reach out others and I help them. Even If i can't always help myself. I just don't know what to do, you needed me so much and now nobody needs me like that. I just want to disappear sometimes. Oh Megan when I close my eyes I can almost remmber what it was like to kiss your head and how you'd giggle and give me hugs and kisses back. I love you sweet angel.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I just want to scream

I want to have a full blown tantrum over the unfairness of everything. I'm tired, I'm sad, and I'm so sick of pretending like everything is ok. I'm tired of not being happy, really truly rewardingly happy. I hurt so much. I feel so empty and I have that right. My daughter died.

I want another baby so bad, my arms ache so much for another baby. I need that healing and I don't know if its going to happen and I'm scared. I need that healing, I need that hope but I feel like I can't hope as much for this as I did with Megan because look at what happened. Look at what happened when I wanted something so badly, she was my everything. I love her so much and Im hurting so much.

I feel like such a fake right now because I'm dying inside with a smile on my face for every one else.

I've wanted to write for weeks and I can't find the words.

I feel like its time for hope, and its time to be more positive but I havent been able to make that leap.

I'm lost and I don't even know If i want to be found.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Did this really happen?


There are moments where I sit here and think "Did this really happen to me?" It did, it did happen to me, to us. It is so hard to accept that. My little girl is gone forever. When I want to visit her, I get to go sit at a grave. A precious perfect little gravestone, but its little and it shouldn't be needed. It breaks my heart to know her little body rest below it.

There are times where I wonder if I'm really here, If I'm sane. Sometimes I clench my eyes shut and pray and hope that when I open them that I will find this all to be a bad dream. It doesn't work though. It happened. My toddler, my 18 month old daughter is gone. Sometimes I get so angry and I lose my temper and I act like my 5 year old. Sometimes I can't breathe because it feels like a 500lb weight is laying on my chest. Sometimes the memory of that day will not leave no matter how hard I try to shake it off. You try your hardest to remember the good things but her face, face down, parts of her skin purplish, the noise her little body made when I moved her, when i touched her, it haunts me. The frantic phone call, carrying around her absolute dead weight, knowing that it wasn't good that she was purple. But I kept telling myself she was warm and maybe those noises was her trying to breathe. I can remember her on the table and attempting the cpr and being so utterly calm. I just did what i had to do even though In my head I knew without a doubt that every single damn fear I had ever had about her dying on me had came true.

I couldnt' cry, it was hours later when I started to cry. I know it was shock but all I could think of was how everyone must have thought I was horrid for not throwing myself on the floor and having hysterics.
How do you come back from this? It haunts me every day. I want a new mattress so badly but then I don't know that i can part with it. I lay my head where she died every night. I want to kiss her head so much.

I hate putting laundry away, I've always hated it but now every time I do it I think of how I happily put my laundry away while she laid there. While I sat in that damn room and I talked to her and I shook the damn bed and tried to jostle her awake. How I never gave it one moments notice that her face was head down into the bed, that her little arms were under her. I just went about my business in the same room while she lay there. Sitting down on the floor and putting her clothes away, talking to her and having that same old fear I've always had come rushing in. The frantic "is she breathing" and then pushing it away and putting her favorite monkey pajamas away. Then turning my head back and looking and looking and the fear it took hold and i reached and touched her back. I shook her slightly, calling her name. I grabbed her arm and once i saw the color i knew. The dread that goes through your body you can't even imagine. I've done this before, I was nurses aide for 5 years, yo udon't forget what mottling looks like on a dead/dying person. That doesn't leave you. It was the sounds she made that gave me hope. I just couldn't believe that the sounds I heard when i moved her meant she was gone.

I can't sit at the spot on the table where her head was. I see her lying there all the time when i walk by. I hate that she never even got the chance to go to the hospital. Not that it would have made a difference. She was gone when I found her and there was no bringing her back. I hate that i was so calm, that i didnt' have the hysterics I still wish I could have. Why do I want to be hysterical I don't know, it makes me almost laugh.

Holding her after they had done all they could. I couldn't look at her face because it was so hard. I just looked down at her like i would if she had been sleeping on me. I wanted to hold her forever but there were moments where i just wanted her gone because I knew she was gone and holding her reminded me that she was gone but I knew that once I let go of her that was it. No more kissing her head, running my fingers through her hair. My sleeping beauty.

I had girls once. 2 girls that were supposed to grow old together, to be playmates forever. To be close and to have each other through thick and thin. My girls. I had that once and now I'm just an empty shell of that person.
Life is so unfair, you are always told how life is so unfair but every little thing in my life seems so trivial compared to this. Shes being erased. I look around my house and there are a couple pictures here and there, I still have a toy drawer but thats it. There is nothing here that screams out 'hey i had a baby' Its all being put away. Shes just a lovely memory. Its inevitable.

I feel like a monster sometimes with the thoughts that go through my head. The jealousy is bad but not nearly as bad as you would expect. Mostly its just pain. I'm doing well. Really. I write here because Its a way for me to release what I'm holding inside. But Im' doing well. I'm moving forward. I smile and I laugh every single day. My memories cause me pain but they also give me immense joy. I cry every day but some days its just a light eye watering where others its heart breaking sobs. I don't want to reach out to everyone that wants me to reach out to them. Im content in my own little world right now.

I want another baby, but I don't. I do but going through everything you have to go through again sounds like work. I want my baby back, i want my toddler. I want to be thinking about potty training not getting pregnant. I didn't deserve to have her robbed from me like this. How can you ever be normal after something like this happens? How am i supposed to have another baby and act normal? Im going to be petrified but I also cannot imagine my life without another baby. I know it would never take her place thats not what I'm trying to do at all but babies are so healing. I need to be needed again. Can you imagine having someone who needs you 24/7, who counts on you for everything. Someone who is always right under your feet and then just rip them away. To be alone during the day even when your 5 year old is here. She doesn't need me like I was needed by Megan. Emily is bright and intelligent and independent. I would give anything to change Megans diaper again, to clean up a mess she made at a meal time or to have her dump out all of the cereal in the cuboard again. To have her plop her butt in my face to wake me up and tell me to change her. To hear her sweet voice say Mama.

I'm so scared of moving forward without her but I have no choice. IT is so unfair to not let someone have a choice in this matter. I can be a worthless mother/wife/friend or i can move forward. I can't sit in sadness all the time. I get it. But it doesnt make it any easier.

I miss my daughter so much. My life will forever be changed because of her. Because of this, so many of you have told me you think of us daily and that you remember, that you take that extra time and that really makes me happy. It wasn't long enough but I would have been lost without her, to never have known her. She made a impression on me that will never be forgotten. Shes my angel and my heart and my arms will always ache for her. Oh the ache in my arms is so hard. She was such a new walker that I still carried her more than she walked and walking into a store or wherever without her weight is so hard sometimes.
Its all hard what am i saying.

I love you sweet baby girl.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Thinking




"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

~Washington Irving

I'm sitting here wondering what to write. I'm at a loss, I want to write about my sadness but I also want to write about my happiness. I have a wonderful family, I am incredibly blessed. My husband is my best friend, he still makes my heart go pitter patter and he can still make me laugh like a school girl. Emily is almost 6 and she is turning into such a kind caring little person. Very opinionated and the drama never stops. Everything has to be perfect all the way down to her toes. She's a funny girl and likes to talk and talk and talk.

I have married into the best family I could have ever imagined. Without a moments glance they accepted me, loved me and supported me. There has never been a time where I have wondered if I was where I belonged because I know I belong. Im here and I'm blessed. We are all blessed to have had such a sweet beautiful angel in our lives. It was much to short of a time but she left her footprints on all of our hearts. She left a legacy, a smile and laugh, she showed us love and patience. A childs love is so forgiving, so overwhelming it literally wraps you tight and lets you know all is right with the world.

The moment Megan entered this world I loved her with all of my heart. Megan was so special, she was such a easy baby, a easy toddler. Seeing Emily hold her sister, love her sister , play with her sister, and share her dreams with her sister has forever changed me. How does a parent go on, when all of your hopes and dreams have been robbed. When an entire childhood, adulthood, parenthood has been taken away. Things like this aren't supposed to happen. Emily is supposed to have her little buddy with her, she had so many things she wanted to teach her. I had so many things to teach her.

Oh i love her so much, I get so mad each and every time i talk about her in past tense. My baby girl shoudln't be past tense, she should be in the present and its just not fair.
Waiting for answers that may never come. Such a cruel thing, you want there to be something wrong even though the guilt of why wasn't this caught will happen, but the alternative of SUDC and not knowing, not having any answer is just as awful. SUDC, sudden unexplained death in childhood. Death after age 12 months, SIDS the one everyone knows of is classified 12months and under. Why are our children dying? Why are there so many similiarites that I and other ladies have talked about. Why our angels? Why?

I'm supposed to accept that God won't give you more than you can handle. I'm supposed to accept that she was just to perfect for this world so she had to go to heaven. I'm supposed to accept that this was God's will. I'm supposed to accept that I will eventually be ok. I'm supposed to accept that this is fate, that was in the grand plan, that she is no longer suffereing, that she is with me always even if she isn't here in person. These are things I'm suposed to blindly accept. I'm supposed to have faith that everything will be ok.

What I know is that my heart hurts, that at times i can barely breathe. I know these tears that are running down my face burn, I know people think I'm strong but Im' weak and scared. I know that she was perfect and that I miss her so much. I know this pain will lessen with time but I don't believe it.
Everything is a memory.

I wanted her so much, my little miracle baby. She grew in me for 9 months, she made me so sick for at least 5 of them. She slept when i slept, what more could a parent wish for. She was supposed to be a boy lol. She was something special from the moment she was concieved. She was always so happy, so engaging, so loving. Would go to stranges and just love on them, how special that is, to make someones day by just a little smile and laugh. She kissed on command, literally gave so many kisses to anyone who asked. Perfect little close mouthed kisses.

She was always happy. She would fall asleep the moment she got in the car, everytime it seemed like. She hated anything on her feet, I was that mom who would have a sockless/shoeless baby out and about in the middle of winter. She was such a good eater. She hated to sit in restaurant high chairs but in my own she loved it. It was also a great place for her to fall asleep.
I never got to see her run, but dad never got to see her crawl, walk, pull up to standing, first tooth. She liked to help put the dishes away, she would happily hand sister a dish/silverware over and over and over until every dish in the dishwasher was put away. They loved it and what mom doesn't love to get out of a chore?
She loved water. So many times I would take her out of the tub while sister stayed in, Id get her dressed and id go to get something and I'd hear MOM and splash. Fully clothed Megan back in the tub with sister.
I have wonderful friends and I have a wonderful family. I can't thank you all for all the love and support you have shown me.

My princess Megan Olivia McPhee.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Sadness

I just spent 20 minutes sitting on the bathroom floor quietly sobbing. Hoping I didn't wake up Michael. Finally smarted up and came out here and decided to get on the computer. Its been a couple of days since I had a good sob i guess.
I really don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel so alone even though I have family and so many friends around me. My little girl is gone. She is gone and the grief is overwhelming me. I cannot even begin to describe how it feels, how much it hurts. No parent should ever ever have to go through this. She was such a joy, she brought me so much joy to me and to everyone around her. She was my ray of sunshine on my darkest days. How does something like this happen? I wanted her so badly, it almost feels like a punishment. Is it karma? Boy I really messed up somewhere. How does this happen, why does this happen to people? It just isn't fair. I should have her in my arms right now, I should be giving her kisses and running my fingers through her hair. The little she had anyways lol. My pretty baldie baby princess.

I keep getting this frantic feeling that people are going to see pictures of Megan and just automatically assume they are pictures of Emily when she was little. I know it sounds silly. She's my Mego, my Megs, my sweet angel. My only brown eyed baby girl.
Aren't you supposed to find comfort somewhere in the whole knowing shes with God? Its not very forthcoming I can tell you that. Lately this prayer just keeps going through my head. If I had known I would never ever put her down for a nap. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; Or if I die before I wake, I pray for God my soul to take.

I've found lots of people who are grieving, I've even found a couple of ladies who are going through exactly what I'm going through, all of us three days apart. One lost her 20 month old on March 4, One lost her 19month old on March 7th and me with my 18 month old March 10th. Our babies one months apart and died 3 days apart respectively. All baby girls. What a coincidence right?
I know we all grieve differently and I know so many people around the world are grieving with me/us but I still feel so absolutley selfish when I think that nobody nobody knows what im going through, nobody can understand this pain, this heartache. But they do and I'm not alone.

Is it destiny that we all find each other? Are our baby girls playing together in heaven? What a pleasant thought right.

I hate belonging the dead child club. I would give anything to have her back. Anybody know where the pet semetary graveyard is? lol. I have tears running down my face, snot all over and I had to put in the pet semetary bit. It made me laugh. I'm lucky that I have my husband with me now, it makes things easier for me, he keeps me grounded and moving forward. But if I could change places, if i could have him gone finishing his tour and have her back with me, there woudl be no question.
I miss her so much. I know missing her will get easier as time goes by, I know nothing will ever fill the voild, the emptiness, the hole that she left but I do know it will get easier.

I'm not needed like i was and its so hard to accept that. Sure people need me but not like she needed me. The house is so empty without her. Staying up late and getting all the cuddles she used to give me. Taking a bath, oh baths are so hard. She was always there with me at bath time, she would always throw herself in with me, she loved baths so much. My water baby.

I have to go through her clothes and her toys and I don't want to but I don't want anyone else to touch her stuff. I have till May 17th to get it done. Just thinking about doing this makes my heart race. ITs going to be so hard.
In my mind I can see her face so clear, I can almost reach out and touch her. I think I've gotten to the point to where I don't need answers as much as I did before. Like my husband says nothing is going to change what happened, shes gone. I think I realize how gone she is a little every day. You know they are gone but its not till all the little things hit you one by one that you really truly understand.

Something as simple as being able to have a candle on my coffee table. I keep wanting to move it because I know its not safe there but it doesn't really matter now because there are no little fingers to bang it on the table. I put some cleaners under the kitchen sink and went to lock the cupboard up and stopped myself because there is no need. Every single time I am in the car I want to put her in her carseat or take her out. But its not there anymore, because she is not here anymore. So many times I've hopped out of the car and turned and for that quick second I'm so happy and content and then I remember.

The guilt, the overwhelming guilt that I feel every single day. I have guilt from not holding her for that nap, for walking away, and I have guilt for smiling and moving on. Every day I move farther and farther away from her. She is destined to become nothing but a memory. A wonderful blessing but just a memory that so many of us share. I keep asking myself if maybe i just wanted her to much. Did I somehow do this with this thoughts of something like this happening? I had the thoughts, the fears but you never really ever expect those to come true.
I'm scared. There are so many things I should be doing right now but im so scared to move forward, im not sure if i can take the steps I should be talking. Shes gone and as awful as it sounds it makes certain things easier right now. Things I should do. I havent' worked since 2003. The big bad world is scary and the mamabear inside me is in hiding. I don't want to lose her but I've already lost her. I can't explain it, i just feel like it will take me farther and farther away. Some of you know what I want to happen by the end of the year and that scares me to. I go back and forth with the doubts. You can tell me all day long that I'm a good mother but the fact is, my kid died on my watch, I don't really feel overly capable right now.
I feel like I need to spread the word about SUDC but what
good is it going to do? Besides make everyone worry.. Its not like SIDS, there is no lay them on their back, there is no have a fan in their room blah blah blah. This happens after they turn one, after they are deemed 'safe'. There isn't a 18 month old around that can't lift up their head so they don't suffocate, there isn't a 18 month old that isn't a pro at ripping the covers off, or moving around. But this happens, it happens more often than you think. Why does it happen? Why are there so many simlilarites between the cases but they can't find any solid concrete answers? Megan hasn't even been diagnosed with this, but the fact is its very likely. Its what I'm expecting even though I would probably get the most comfort out of some kind of undiagnosed congential defect or something. Something that would make it ok for me to have worried like I worried her whole life. Nobody knows about SUDC, its all SIDS SIDS. And advocating for it isn't going to relieve me, it isn't going to make another parent feel better, its going to scare the crap out of them.

I just hate this, hate moving on without her. My cuddle bug is gone. I didn't get to give her a million kisses, I don't get to see her grow up. I never got a drawing from her, I dont' get to see her learn to ride a bike, or even to run. It is so hard to have all your dreams and hopes for your child to just end.
I get sad and i get moody and I lose my patience entirely to quick. I'm going forward whether or not i like it. I'm so thankful for my family and my friends. I'm thankful to have found the ladies I found, to have someone to talk to about everything. To know they are feeling and dealing with the same things, walking in my shoes and I am not alone.

You can ask me all day long how im doing and I will always tell you fine, or alive. To them though I can let it all out because they know. I feel like such a downer sometimes and I'm trying to not be but its hard. You have to wonder why some people get to have kids, why they get to keep their kids when they are abusive and mean and neglectful and etc yet we are the ones who lost our kids. It doesn't make sense.
I looked into her eyes and I told her I would always keep her safe. That I would always love her with all my heart. I feel like I failed. My one job was to keep the kids safe and healthy and happy while daddy was gone and I failed. I falied in the worst way. You can't just walk away from the guilt, I can't share the gult with anyone else it my cross to bare. 2 measly weeks, thats all. I'm a big fat failure.

I'm a strong person. I know I'm doing well under these circumstances. I konw I have to write like this and let my feelings out and have others read it because I have to be held accountable. I have to have other people know what I'm thinking. I do know I am strong because I have had my moments of weakness. Who woudn't? I'm still neeeded, I'm still loved. I can still be happy, I can still make others happy and feel loved. I can find joy and happiness in the little things still and i know thats good. It lets me know I haven't let the grief consume me. Even when I want to let it, I can't fall that far. I'm here. The tears don't come as easily as they used to. I"m slowly being able to look at pictures again. I still feel like someones crushing my chest though most of the time. What I wouldnt give to be able to smell her smell again, to breathe in that baby scent. She was such a good girl. I love her so much.
I hate talking about her in past tense and I find myself doing it more and more. It feels so wrong. It all feels so wrong.

more sadness

I guess nobody can really blame me for saying I'm sad. I am so sad. I miss Megan so much. My baby girl, missing her walk and play and watching her interact with Emily, with the dog. All the things she doesn't get to learn now, all the firsts we don't get to see. I stare at a picture and just wonder if there was clue, something I should have known or did. Just to hold her in my arms again, to feel her heart thumping against mine. To be able to kiss the top of her head just one more time. To properly say good bye.
I feel like I'm losing all of her memories. I know i should start writing them all down I just can't seem to make myself so the fear of losing them is even stronger. She made me smile and she made me laugh every single day. Even when i was at my wits end she would make me laugh. She always knew when you needed a hug and was always ready for a good cuddle and kiss.

I feel like asking everyone to start writing down their memories of Megan but I can't even do it myself. I want to remmeber the good, the bad everything. My heart is just hurting tonight. I'd do anything to change the way things happened.

Thats all i feel like writing i guess.

Regrets

Today, I have regrets. I'm looking at pictures from a lady who does excellent work in my hometown. I talked to her a few times and she was always in the back of my mind. How I really wanted her to do my girls pictures. I just kept putting it off and off and off. Now its to late.

Today I have regrets, I never took her to the zoo, I never took her to the ocean, so many things that are going through my mind right now. I'm a procrastinator, always have been. I always put things off and now i feel robbed because I don't get to do those things with her anymore. I don't get to make new memories with her anymore. How do I know that the memories I do have won't fade? How do I make sure that I will never forget?

Today I have regrets and It hurts so much. I don't have regrets in the way I took care of her, just in the things we missed out, will miss out on. All my life my biggest desire was just to be a mom. Its all ive ever wanted. I know some people don't understand that, but for me that was the biggestt most important step in my life.

I hate feeling like I've been robbed, I hate feeling jealous of others. I'm not comforted that shes with the lord, shes my baby and she should be with me. I looked at her grave the other day, its so small. Nobody should ever have to lay flowers on such a small grave. It isn't fair.

I feel sometimes like i'm healing to fast, like im moving on to fast. I feel guilty when I'm having fun and then i get mad at myself when i cry and I can't stop. When the pressure on my chest feels like a thousand pounds and I can't take in a deep breath and my heart starts pounding. I hate that my family is broken, that a part of me died with her. I hate that we must move on and that we can't stay here in this utter sadness.

I did everything right, but maybe i didn't adovate strong enough for her. I look back and think of all my fears and the things ive told people and I still dont know if what i did was enough. I think it was, it feels like it was. How do you differentiate between a mothers paranoia and actual sickness. Especailly when she never seemed that sick.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye like I woudl've wanted to. How my arms ache for her every day. How do you go on after something like this? My heart feels so empty but its not enitrely because I have him, and i have em. I have such good friends and I have such a wonderful family. Yet my arms are still empty and i hate it. What i woudlnt' give for just one more kiss, for one more hug. To hold her close, kiss the top of her head, nuzzle the back of her neck. Make her laugh and giggle. To hear her say mama.

I feel like I'm supposed to be lost in the sadness but my family and my friends won't let me. I'm thankful for that to a point but sometimes i still feel that overwhelming despair and I want to be lost in it and its so hard. The memories aren't always comforting. Walking into a place and knowing the last time you were there, you were happy and you were whole and then walking in there again now. Its different and wrong. I know I'm rambling but oh well, i cant remember my password/email for my blog lol.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154