Wednesday, September 15, 2010

More heartbreak and Hope

Yesterday I found out that the baby I was carrying went to heaven to be with big sister Megan 3 weeks ago. My body just hadn't accepted it, I had a d&c last night thanks to all the wonderful people my mother in law works with. Don't know what I would have done without her and her friends. Having my husband and his mom just completely take over was such a blessing. It was a very frustrating day dealing with our insurance and doctors offices who didn't know how to deal with insurance and on and on and on. I'm lucky to have people in my corner who love me unconditionally and will do whatever it takes to help me get through whatever i have to get through.

I went to the doctor for a scheduled appt. When he was unable to hear the heartbeat I started bawling. I couldn't help it. I had been telling myself for the last week that If we didn't hear the heartbeat at this appt, then this baby was gone. 11 weeks is early to hear the heartbeat on a doppler, but I had heard it both times with the girls at 10 weeks, and with one of them I was 30lbs heavier than now.
Even though in a normal case, my doctor would have just sent me home and said come back next week.. we will try then, I'm not a normal case. He knew that I was distraught and really needed confirmation. He set up an ultra sound at the hospital for me.

This ultrasound was one of the worst experiences of my life. Not just because of the obvious, but it took an hour to the exam. There was sign on the wall that the said the ultrasonographer is not allowed to speak about what is going on, they can tell you nothing. Answer no questions, she made sure I understood this before she ever started. So imagine lying on a bed in the dark, alone, with a monitor pulled away so that you can't even glance at it. Even if your baby was alive that would be an awful experience. It took an hour and in that hour I kept asking her if I would get to know if this baby was alive or not before I left. She kept making it sound like that I would leave the room and my doctor would call me later on. So not acceptable, I told her that i will want to see her boss because there is no way in heck am I leaving without an answer. I remember everyone asked me multiple times (my doctor and sonographer) if I wanted someone called. I had thought about asking my husband Micahel to come to this appt, I thought about asking Michelle to come. When they then sent me for the ultrasound I thought about asking Karla to come, and again my husband to come be with me. However I really wanted to be alone and I don't know why. I think I just really knew that it wasn't likely to be good news and I needed to be able to process the information before I had to share the news. I feel so bad I had to tell hubby the news via text but inside the hospital phone service is very iffy.

I remember sitting in thatultrasound room for so long by myself and as soon as my actual doctor walked in the door I knew right away it was gone. I knew before that, I knew in my heart something wasn't right, but that hope gets you every time. I remember him saying that it seemed like the uncertainty of it all was worse than the actual knowing. It was, it took me a good 15 minutes before I actually started crying. I cried, I downright sobbed in the car. Hated knowing that once again I would have to endure the 'sorrys' Those words you start to hate them but you know they have to say them. Everyone wants you to know that they care, I get it. Its just that I've had enough sorrys to last a lifetime.

I have amazing friends and family. I am extremely blessed. I now have 2 angels in heaven. It was definitely not something I was expecting. A part of me did though, I had no symptoms other than frequent urination and once in awhile sore breasts. It just didn't feel right, but I never had any signs that something was wrong either, no bleeding, no cramping. So when 11 weeks hit and I realized the second trimester was just around the corner I started letting myself hope. What a mistake, but man I was hoping, talking to this baby telling it how excited I was to meet it. How scared I was because I know i would have to let it sleep. I was starting to connect, but I'm thankful it happened now and not say when it started kicking me.

I've already experienced grief, a grief that was so much more profound, so much deeper than this. I'm not trying to make it sound trivial but in a way it feels that way. How can i truly grieve over something I never met, I never felt. I'm sad for what should have been. I'm ready for this and knowing I have to wait even longer for a new family member to enter our family sucks.

I told many people that If this baby died I was done. I couldn't imagine then that I could even attempt to do it again. I felt like it was my only chance at redemption. If it didn't happen maybe I wasn't supposed to, or deserve a second chance at this. You can't stop what your heart feels, you might know that it is silly to think things like that but how can you not? I don't have an answer for Megan dying. I will never have an answer to my 18 month old daughters death. How do I know I didn't do this somehow, that it was my fault that she died, my fault for not advocating strong enough, my fault for making her take a nap without me because I wanted to clean. When she was not feeling good, when I had a feeling I should check on her and I brushed it off, when I heard Trixie barking crazy at the same time and a little voice in my head said check on her and I didn't. I didn't want to wake her because I would have to disturb her soon enough to get Emily from school. She wasn't feeling good and she needed to sleep but I ignored my intuition. I walked away from her. How do I know this isn't God is saying no, you don't get a second chance at this.

I'm not done. I feel at peace with this and have so since coming home from the hospital. I am ok, these things happen. I didn't do anything wrong. Miscarriage's happen. I am seriously ok, of course I am sad. I had my heart set on a March baby. Something else to look forward to when that one year anniversary comes up of Megan's death. Id have a new birth, a new life to also celebrate. It wasn't meant to be, but now Megan has a sibling to play with.

I miss my daughter so much. She was a such a beautiful and bright and entertaining, loving little girl. I do know its not my fault but this is my blog and I can write what i want! Anyone who loses a child replays things over and over and over. You question everything. My friends will always be there to tell me it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I can do and my friends will always listen to me when I need them. I love my friends and family, thank you for being there.

1 comment:

Monica said...

When I was pg my OB told me that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in a miscarriage - that they are VERY common. I can promise you this isn't God telling you you don't deserve another chance. He doesn't work like that. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite. I've always heard that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, so looking at it from that aspect, God has a LOT of confidence in you!