Monday, May 7, 2012

I had to post

I have not been able to write in so long.  I have all of a sudden become a shut in with my emotions.  I talk to nobody, share with no one. 
I am losing my mind.  It is not healthy road I am on.  I still talk about Megan of course but my emotions, my pain, my suffering, my worries, and my fears are weighing heavily on my mind.  I find myself desperately wishing I had someone to talk to, but everyone that I talked to is gone or I no longer wish to share with them any longer. 

I don't want to write.  I don't want to talk.  I even thought to myself, maybe its time to go see a counselor.  Least I'd have someone who would want to listen to me, and anyone who knows me or read this blog knows that I'm not at all for therapy lol.  I'm not trying to sound cryptic or depressed just trying to be honest. 

I miss Megan so much.  Its like she was never here, just a figment in every ones imagination.  I keep finding myself, telling myself, yes she was here.  She was here.   I have 3 girls.  I never have to worry about the dreaded middle child syndrome because she is already gone.  2 years later it still hurts so much.  Its better.  Still hurts though. 

In other news Amanda is 7 months.  She is growing like a weed, getting so big.  She isn't crawling yet but finally able to sit up on her own.  She gets on all fours and pushes backwards.  I enjoy watching her do her push ups, and she has pulled herself up standing 3 times now. 

Amanda pretty much gets whatever she wants, whenever she wants.  Its pretty hard to deny her anything.  The saying, "They are only little for so long" runs through our mind all the time.  Would not want to have any regrets if the unimaginable were to happen again right.

A sleeping baby, I miss how that was a comfort.  Now that she is 7 months old its easier but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at her and wonder.  "Is she breathing?"  She has taken to sleeping on her stomach, no matter how hard I try to keep her on her back, on her her side.. none of it works.   I find myself unable to sleep at night because shes on her stomach.  It takes every bit of will power that I have to close my eyes and find sleep again.  It isn't like it was in the beginning.  I don't wake up in a cold sweat with the knowledge she is dead anymore but there is always that moment when I wake up that I immediately go to her back and if I don't immediately see a movement, I touch her, I move her, anything for a response before I am able to relax again. 

It isn't every single time, there are some wake ups that I look at her and push down those fears and just fall back asleep.  Sometimes I just look to make sure she is in a safe position and fall back asleep.  Some nights are worse than others.   It is just the road that I am on now.   Amanda keeps me busy, she brings me immense joy, she is healing and she is also terrifying.   I imagine that as she gets closer to Megan's age the fears and desperation will get worse but for now I will take these better wakening, these times where I can take a breath and relax.

There are so many things that worry me and without a answer to Megan's death it just jumbles in my head.  I'm being very selective and delaying immunizations for Amanda.  She received hib, pcv and I think that is all she is going to get at least for awhile. 

 February 9, 2010 Megan received her MMR.  March 9, 2010 she received her DPAT.  A 'side effect' of DPAT is SIDS.  So many things were just wrong.  She shouldn't have been given a vaccination so close to being as sick as she had been.  A week prior she had double ear infections, and possible  pneumonia.  That initial autopsy, where the coroner called me after she performed it, she said she had cloudy fluid around her heart and her brain was slightly enlarged.  The cloudy fluid around her heart was never mentioned in the final autopsy report.  I don't know why and have been wondering about it in the last few weeks.  I have to do what feels right to me, thankfully everyone has been supportive.