Thursday, March 10, 2011

Today is that day

Today is the day that my little girls heart stopped beating, today is the day she left this world forever.  Leaving me alone,  broken and my heart shattered into pieces.  Today is the day where I can tell you that I have cried for 365 days straight.   Today is a day of sadness and pain.  Today I do not want to be alone, but I am so tired of all these tears.

It has been one year since Megan died.  At 18 months old, she took a nap and took her last breath.  I am broken and I'm slowly putting the pieces back together.  The pain of losing her, the sorrow, the grief, the loneliness, the healing, and the moving forward are to much to bear sometimes.   It doesn't matter nothing matters anymore, time doesn't stop for a grieving mother.  You can't go back in time, it doesn't work that way. 

How does a person do this? How do you move on after having your heart ripped to pieces?  These things are not supposed to happen.  Children are not supposed to die.  Children that are happy, and growing, and thriving and beautiful and sweet and smart are not supposed to die.  How can I ever trust in anything ever again? 

Its been a year, certain things are easier to bear.  I can talk about her, I can share memories of her and not break down.  Yet I still can't bear to look at pictures very long.  I still break down every single time Emily mentions how much she misses her.   How much she wishes someone would stay alive and be her brother or sister.  Shes lonely.

I often feel like I wake up and put a face on.  I have to smile and I have to be happy and eventually I do end up  feeling that way, but some days I hate that I have to wear that face.  Some days I just want to cry, and I don't want people to ask me whats wrong because it doesn't change.  Its her, its always her.  I'm scared.  I've already lost so much.   I just want people to hug me, and talk about her.  Ask about her.  Care and remember that she was here, she was alive and she smiled and she laughed and she mattered.  Remember her and you honor her and you make my heart happy.  

Today is the day that I wish I could write about her, my memories, and yet its just pain and anguish that come.  With every breath I take I wish I had a better way of honoring her.  I wish I could remember it all.  I just remember bits and pieces of things with her.  I wish I could look at her pictures and get them on my walls.  I wish I could tell you about all the adorable things she did but those memories come in waves.  I wish I could hear her laugh and see her smile, I wish I could see Emily and her playing.  I wish that dad had more memories of her like we all do.  I wish life wasn't so unfair. 

Nothing will ever change.  She will always be gone, my time away from her will always get longer.   I miss her so much.  I miss the giggles and the squeals.  I miss seeing her crawl all over Trixie, and drag her babies everywhere.  I miss seeing her eyes light up when big sister came  home from school.  I miss the little girl who dumped out boxes of cereals all over the kitchen floor.   I miss the little girl who had the funniest little expressions on her face.  I miss the cuddles and the kisses, but mostly I miss seeing my girls together.  My girls, they loved each other so much, played with each other so much.   My girls.  

I didn't know that a year ago today would be her last day on earth.  Its something we never get to know.  I didn't know that our lives would change so drastically in just one day.  I didn't know that I would become that person that you read about but think it can't happen to you.   Bad things don't happen to good parents/ good people.  I didn't know that it would be the last day I would ever have to give her a bath, to play peekaboo and sing. Today I can't even remember what the song was.  She was a little parrot and copied everything I said that day in the tub.  She told me I love you after mommy said it to her.  I wish I could remember the song.  What is the song?  Everything just fades away and its not fair.

I miss her so much.  I wish this was all a bad dream.   I can't believe its been a year.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Days passing by

I am sitting here in tears, just remembering her.  I'm so very sad.  I looked at pictures yesterday and they said March 3, 2010.  I had a smiling happy baby girl.  She was gorgeous and alive with a heart beating.  Breathing and smiling and laughing and full of love. 

Today I am on a mission to share her laugh. Her sweet wonderful hyena laugh.  This was in December of 2009.  She was not interested in learning to walk at all, she thought we were pretty funny to get her to try.   So while my days tick down to a year of her being gone.  Today I share her laugh and her toothy little smile.  Today I laugh and smile and cry.