Saturday, March 30, 2013

How do you come back?

How do you come back from the depths of hell?  From the darkness and the despair and the longing for death.  How much pain and sorrow can one person take?  How many times can someone stare you in the face and tell you, "they are in a better place" "these things happen for a reason" "they were to beautiful for earth" "god only gives you what you can handle"....

Losing one child is  devastating, a mind numbing choke the life out of you experience.  You have no idea how you are still breathing, still walking, still functioning when your child is no longer here.  The pain is unbearable.  How does this happen? It has been three years since I lost Megan and the pain is overwhelming still.  The fear of losing Amanda is never far from my mind.  I am in a constant state of fear even if it doesn't seem like it.  You cannot heal from this pain unless you allow yourself to live again.  You can't lock  yourself away. 

There were so many days I begged to leave this earth, I'd bury my face head first into the mattress and breathe and breathe and breathe and will myself to sleep and not wake up.  Losing your child is a losing a part of you.  My life, my heart, my joy, my everything.  Yes I have other children and yes I love them as much as I love her but this pain doesn't play fairly.

I wake up because I must.. there is no other option and three years later it is easier.  You handle things better, the pain is there but time has smoothed off some of the edges. 

Three years later I am still reeling from this nightmare.  I am surviving.   Amanda recently surpassed Megan's age of 18 months and 8 days.  She is still alive.  My husband says I need to stop worrying so much.   She is fine.  These things, they can't possibly happen twice.  No one is that unlucky. 

If I think about it, thats exactly what I said before she died.  Those things can't possibly happen to people like me.  This kind of stuff happens to other people.  I'm a good mom.  This kind of thinking is how our minds protect itself.  You cannot possibly imagine this sort of pain until its you, and the pain is real.  We are not strong because we are strong, we did not have a choice and no one ever thought to themselves... Hey I would be just fine if my child died.  I could handle it, God trusts me that much. 
No, you do it because its your life, its the only choice you have.

What happens when the unimaginable happens again?  What happens when another child dies?  How do you accept that?  Another death? How do you go on? How can you possibly find the strength  I've lost a child and my mind is numb and heartbroken and there is no way I can possibly imagine what my friend is going through right now.  Two children. 

I met Jordan as one of my baby loss mamas.  Her daughter Tess died three years ago on my wedding anniversary.  April 21.   She is among a group of ladies that I love and admire that all lost children March/April 2010 that kept me strong.

Her daughter Tess was 10 weeks old.  SIDS.  No answers, just that bandaid they put on us when they can't find a reason.   Jordan had two older girls, and she had a little boy in 2011.  A rainbow baby after the unimaginable loss.   She had another little boy, Jonesy 4 months ago.  Yesterday he went to be with Tess and preliminary autopsy reports are saying nothing was wrong. 

Of course we know final results will take a lot longer but come on, how much can one person take?   My dear sweet friend is in a dark, dark place and I wish I could pull her out of it.  Then I think to myself, if this was me, if this was Amanda.    I can't do this.  How can she? Of course she knows that everyone needs her.  We all know this but this pain this darkness this anger.  Why?

My heart is in so much pain for her.  Two children gone just like that in a span of 3 years.  How can this be?