Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Today I did Zumba and lot of honesty

I did it with friends and it was a lot of fun.  I'm one of the most awkward, no rhythm people out there and it was still a lot of fun.  I highly suggest it. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Its all I really get to do anymore, its not like I have little hands and  feet to keep me on my toes right.  See that right there, I make comments like that all the time, its my way of dealing with my grief.  Its seems so sarcastic and uncaring but in a way its how I mention her and her death, so that its not forgotten.  So that she is not forgotten.   Its been  6 months.  A third of her lifetime is gone, just like that. 

Today when we walked out of the daycare with my friends son, there was a little girl.  Around a year old probably, nothing really screamed Megan out to me about her, but then I saw what she was wearing and my heart just dropped.  I bought that dress for Megan to wear, one of those impulse purchases that she had to grow into.  She never got the chance to grow into it  though.  I really liked that dress and I'd forgotten all about it until I saw that little girl.  Without even meaning to, things are being forgotten and I can't stop it. 

I have always been the person who will defend everyone.  It drives my husband insane, if he says that person is a idiot, I should agree.  Where instead  I'm more like, maybe they had bad day or this or that.  I stick up for the little guy, that's how I'm hardwired.  Lately though, I want to walk up to people and shake them and ask why me?  Why the hell do you get do get to have your kids and I don't?  It isn't fair.  It isn't karma, I've never done something  bad enough  in my life that would equal my child's death.  Do you know how hard it is for me to look at another child and say I wish you would have taken that one, instead of mine.  I can easily walk into any store and point out a few kids I'd rather have dead than mine.  I have no guilt, ok maybe a little.  My child died, I held this child when she was sick, I nursed this child every day of her life, I sang to her, I played with her and I enjoyed every single minute with her.  I hate this life that I'm forced to live without her now.  I hate that she is gone and that I don't get to see her grow up.  I don't get to hear her speak in sentences, or learn to play games, I don't get to watch her joy in learning new things.  I don't get to see what she would have looked like when she was older and boy did I want to.  My brown eyed little girl. 

I'm not meant to think bad thoughts about people like I do now.  I judge you an I don't even realize I'm doing it till its to late.  I judge your parenting, how you interact with your children, I judge everything because for whatever reason I did something wrong.  Even if I didn't do something wrong, why do you get to keep your child? I feel like I'm studying people, is that how I'm supposed to act now, is that how I should have done things?  

This is not who I am.  I am a nice person.  I get told all the time by people who read my blog how inspirational I am, how honest and open I am and I don't see it.  There are so many dark, deep, terrible things that we moms of dead children understand.  Its almost like a 'if you really knew me' kind of thing, if you really knew what I was thinking. 

Can you imagine for just one second having the briefest moment, wishing that it was say your other child that died, your neice/nephew, your friends children, the neighbor down the street? Can you for one small moment even comprehend what kind of pain that brings that you would even have that thought pop into your head?  Of course I don't want my children, my family members, my friends children to die but its those kinds of things that go through our heads, those kinds of things that we don't mention to people because they will judge us because they are horrible thoughts.  Its a double edged sword.  On one end I would never in a million years wish this pain upon anyone else, but on the other end I'd trade spots in a heartbeat.  To have my child in my arms while I comforted you. To not endure this pain any longer.

 I started this blog because I wanted people to read it, I wanted people to know the pain that I am in.  Mostly though, I want people to know they are not alone in this situation.  These dark thoughts, we have them to.  I would have gone crazy had it not been for the women that reached out to me when I said, Hi, I'm suffering... with the same pain as you.  Help me help you.    We talked hours into email, crying over each others writings.  Thankful to know we are not alone, that we are not crazy, that someone else has these thoughts.  That someone else cares.  Thats why I started this blog because I want to reach out to those moms who might not have people to talk to.  It is a lonely road we walk.  It isn't something you could ever understand, until you too walk this road. 

I am a mother and I love my children with every fiber of my being.  I would do anything for my children, I would die a thousand deaths to bring my child back even if I couldn't be here with her, or to save them from pain and heartache.  I had so many plans and dreams for her.  She was never truly  mine though, some would say.  We are entrusted with their care for however long.  Maybe she has it easy, she will never know heartbreak, or pain but she will also never meet her prince charming, or experience the absolute joy of looking into your child's eyes and telling them you love them. 

There are days I don't want to move on because every day is another day away from her.  Its also another day closer to being with her, Its just right now the pain is so fresh and still so painful that I just can't have that kind of optimism. 

I have found that I can still smile and enjoy my life because thats the kind of person I am.  I'm more jaded now that I ever was.  I have a little less love and forgiveness and lots more anger and some jealousy thrown in.  I'm still me though. 

Hug your children close because if nothing else that you read from me, understand this.  I too once thought that It would never happen to me.  I too thought that these things happen to 'other people'. 

Turns out I became the 'other people' and it can happen.  Things happen every day that we cannot control and it can happen to you.  Enjoy your children, enjoy their smiles and their love, because in the end that is all that matters.  Family, love and happiness.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

200 days

I know I should get rid of the countdown that tells me how long its been since I last got to hold my sweet baby girl, but I can't. Not yet anyways. Two hundred days. Can you even imagine? Most countdowns have a ending in sight, but not mine. There will never be a end to that countdown until I die. I will never again see her in this lifetime and hurts. I try to comfort myself with knowing she is with "the Lord", that she is comfortable in His Grace, His arms protect her and all that wonderful "Godly" stuff. It just doesn't always work. I'm not there right now. I'm trying, but I hurt, my heart simply aches for her and its such a unbearable pain. A pain I have to endure. I'm angry but I'm getting not quite  as angry if that makes sense.

If I didn't have faith that she was in heaven and not alone right now I'm not sure how I could go on. Even now I think about her body, her poor sweet body, in the ground. She was cremated and her body rests on top of her great great grandmother. When the moments of darkness creep in its absolute and the pain is so raw and so unfair that I let go and I cry.The utter despair.   Lately I've not felt so alone, with some of this  anger letting go I can bring some of that sorrow to Him and I'm not so alone and it doesn't feel so dark. I am not totally there yet.  I'm trying to understand and to forgive. These things happen, I don't think I was singled out for it.  Its a pain though that I hope none will ever have to feel, but I know that it will happen again.  Death happens.  This isn't something I would normally write about.

I am proud of myself. I am not a go getter like I wish I was. There are so many things Id like to do I just don't seem to have the ambition or the drive right now. Yet I get up every day, I smile every day and I tend to my family every day. It hurts to be without Megan. Some days I can't even look at her pictures and they are everywhere. I can't focus on her because its hard. Some days I can't stop staring at her. I can't stop thinking of how she would look now. How much hair she would have (hopefully). She was such a joy, she brought so much joy to life. She was so happy and so easy going. So loving. I get up everyday and I go on. I live with the guilt, and I live with the pain, and I live with the sorrow every single day but I go on. I am not a robot, my life still has meaning. She was my life but I can't fall into that pit of despair because I love me, and I love my family and I want more out of life than sadness. There is nothing I can do the change the past. I will always have unanswered questions and I will always look for the answers.

I remember the day I learned her diagnosis of S.U.D.C, sudden unexplained death in childhood. I was at the gym. I had just completed my first ever 5k. I was so excited, I was so proud and then just moments after completing such a milestone for me, the phone rang. It was a diagnosis I was expecting but all parents hope and pray that they will have some kind of answer. SUDC is a diagnosis of exclusion - given when all known and possible causes of death have been ruled out. S.U.D.C. fact sheet
I went from a complete and total high to a complete bottomed out, air released bubble in seconds.  You hope and you just pray for a diagnosis, a reason any reason that your child died but you don't always get it.  Many times you don't get it in this situation. 
How do you advocate for such a thing?  I can tell people about SUDC but does it really affect them? I'm basically telling your child over the age of 1 can die at any moment if SUDC decides to take them.  Isn't that awesome?  At least SIDS mommies get to have the, bed-sharing is bad, use a fan, cover your mattress, baby to bed on back, things like that.  What do I get? Um, well lets see, toddlers are quite adept at moving their heads, you cannot force a 18 month to sleep on their back, I had a fan in my room.   There is nothing that you can do prevent it.  I'm like the bearer of gloom when I talk about it.  Nobody knows about it and i hate that.  Who would want to know about such a thing anyways.

I think this picture is the last picture I have with her.  It was taken sometime in February. 
Here she is in February probably asking if her crown was on straight.
Her sister misses her so much, she is just so matter of fact about her death that it kills me sometimes.  When we celebrated Megan's birthday she just couldn't understand why we would possibly do such a thing when she isn't here, shes dead.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I didn't want to have this conversation

The rain has been pouring down, I remember the rain the day Megan died. I remember stepping outside the next day in the sun, having that warmth on my face while my tears ran. I remember it feeling like I had been kissed by the sun, but I was so angry that as soon as I realized that I turned away and went inside. How could I not be angry? Am I selfish for wanting my daughter with me? Why was she sent to me? Why was she trusted to me if she was just going to be ripped away. Ripped away from my heart, my hopes, my dreams.

When i told Emily about this baby going to heaven, she immediately started crying. There was not a moment of stopping to think about what happened, about what i said, it was just pure pain at knowing again someone else went to heaven and shell never see them again. She told me that she knows she has told us that she wanted a brother but (add in sob) she really really wanted another little sister to play with. Shes tired of being alone. She said why am I the only one who isn't dying? We told her that we are all dying, we are born to die. Some of our lives are longer than others, some lives barely have a chance. Some lives are only with as for a short time, just long enough to make a difference, if you let it. Its heartbreaking to speak about death with a child who just doesn't understand how she wants to be able to understand. I had told her once that I was tired of yelling, that it wasn't good for me or for the baby. She asked if me yelling was why the baby died. She asked if we will try again, and I told her yes. She wants to know if this one will die to, what if they all die mom?

What do you say? What do I say? How do I answer that? She is 6 and she is speaking my heart, my pain and there are no answers. All we can do is have hope.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

More heartbreak and Hope

Yesterday I found out that the baby I was carrying went to heaven to be with big sister Megan 3 weeks ago. My body just hadn't accepted it, I had a d&c last night thanks to all the wonderful people my mother in law works with. Don't know what I would have done without her and her friends. Having my husband and his mom just completely take over was such a blessing. It was a very frustrating day dealing with our insurance and doctors offices who didn't know how to deal with insurance and on and on and on. I'm lucky to have people in my corner who love me unconditionally and will do whatever it takes to help me get through whatever i have to get through.

I went to the doctor for a scheduled appt. When he was unable to hear the heartbeat I started bawling. I couldn't help it. I had been telling myself for the last week that If we didn't hear the heartbeat at this appt, then this baby was gone. 11 weeks is early to hear the heartbeat on a doppler, but I had heard it both times with the girls at 10 weeks, and with one of them I was 30lbs heavier than now.
Even though in a normal case, my doctor would have just sent me home and said come back next week.. we will try then, I'm not a normal case. He knew that I was distraught and really needed confirmation. He set up an ultra sound at the hospital for me.

This ultrasound was one of the worst experiences of my life. Not just because of the obvious, but it took an hour to the exam. There was sign on the wall that the said the ultrasonographer is not allowed to speak about what is going on, they can tell you nothing. Answer no questions, she made sure I understood this before she ever started. So imagine lying on a bed in the dark, alone, with a monitor pulled away so that you can't even glance at it. Even if your baby was alive that would be an awful experience. It took an hour and in that hour I kept asking her if I would get to know if this baby was alive or not before I left. She kept making it sound like that I would leave the room and my doctor would call me later on. So not acceptable, I told her that i will want to see her boss because there is no way in heck am I leaving without an answer. I remember everyone asked me multiple times (my doctor and sonographer) if I wanted someone called. I had thought about asking my husband Micahel to come to this appt, I thought about asking Michelle to come. When they then sent me for the ultrasound I thought about asking Karla to come, and again my husband to come be with me. However I really wanted to be alone and I don't know why. I think I just really knew that it wasn't likely to be good news and I needed to be able to process the information before I had to share the news. I feel so bad I had to tell hubby the news via text but inside the hospital phone service is very iffy.

I remember sitting in thatultrasound room for so long by myself and as soon as my actual doctor walked in the door I knew right away it was gone. I knew before that, I knew in my heart something wasn't right, but that hope gets you every time. I remember him saying that it seemed like the uncertainty of it all was worse than the actual knowing. It was, it took me a good 15 minutes before I actually started crying. I cried, I downright sobbed in the car. Hated knowing that once again I would have to endure the 'sorrys' Those words you start to hate them but you know they have to say them. Everyone wants you to know that they care, I get it. Its just that I've had enough sorrys to last a lifetime.

I have amazing friends and family. I am extremely blessed. I now have 2 angels in heaven. It was definitely not something I was expecting. A part of me did though, I had no symptoms other than frequent urination and once in awhile sore breasts. It just didn't feel right, but I never had any signs that something was wrong either, no bleeding, no cramping. So when 11 weeks hit and I realized the second trimester was just around the corner I started letting myself hope. What a mistake, but man I was hoping, talking to this baby telling it how excited I was to meet it. How scared I was because I know i would have to let it sleep. I was starting to connect, but I'm thankful it happened now and not say when it started kicking me.

I've already experienced grief, a grief that was so much more profound, so much deeper than this. I'm not trying to make it sound trivial but in a way it feels that way. How can i truly grieve over something I never met, I never felt. I'm sad for what should have been. I'm ready for this and knowing I have to wait even longer for a new family member to enter our family sucks.

I told many people that If this baby died I was done. I couldn't imagine then that I could even attempt to do it again. I felt like it was my only chance at redemption. If it didn't happen maybe I wasn't supposed to, or deserve a second chance at this. You can't stop what your heart feels, you might know that it is silly to think things like that but how can you not? I don't have an answer for Megan dying. I will never have an answer to my 18 month old daughters death. How do I know I didn't do this somehow, that it was my fault that she died, my fault for not advocating strong enough, my fault for making her take a nap without me because I wanted to clean. When she was not feeling good, when I had a feeling I should check on her and I brushed it off, when I heard Trixie barking crazy at the same time and a little voice in my head said check on her and I didn't. I didn't want to wake her because I would have to disturb her soon enough to get Emily from school. She wasn't feeling good and she needed to sleep but I ignored my intuition. I walked away from her. How do I know this isn't God is saying no, you don't get a second chance at this.

I'm not done. I feel at peace with this and have so since coming home from the hospital. I am ok, these things happen. I didn't do anything wrong. Miscarriage's happen. I am seriously ok, of course I am sad. I had my heart set on a March baby. Something else to look forward to when that one year anniversary comes up of Megan's death. Id have a new birth, a new life to also celebrate. It wasn't meant to be, but now Megan has a sibling to play with.

I miss my daughter so much. She was a such a beautiful and bright and entertaining, loving little girl. I do know its not my fault but this is my blog and I can write what i want! Anyone who loses a child replays things over and over and over. You question everything. My friends will always be there to tell me it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I can do and my friends will always listen to me when I need them. I love my friends and family, thank you for being there.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Life is hard

I miss her. I miss her every day. The waht ifs are torturing me. What if I had held her for that nap, like she so wanted me to do? What if she would be alive right now if I had held her. If I hadn't walked out of that room and away from her.

How do I know I won't make the same mistakes with this next baby? Thinking of a baby sleeping terrifies me to no end. As it is, I'm constantly checking that my husband and Emily are breathing at night. I barely sleep anymore. I picture how i found her, like it was her reaching to me when I walked out that door and falling and dying right then. Do I know that it isn't completley my fault? Of course I do, but how could anyone not question themselves? Its impossible to not. Do you think I like telling myself I don't deserve a second chance? It kills me to even think it but it doesn't stop my brain from wondering.

She was supposed to be it, she was supposed to be my last and then she dies and I pressure my husband into getting me pregnant again and now I don't know what I'm doing. . I have a child in school all day long and what do I do to contribute to our family? Nothing I keep a mostly clean house clean. Woopie freaking do. All I wanted to do was be a mom and now I'm just half a mom.

I know that I should be down on myself, but it comes in these bursts and I cannot help it. I am not suicidal, I am not overly freaking depressed. I can function, I smile I laugh. I can still enjoy life. I have every right to be sad when i want to be sad because the light of my life is not here anymore. I have this right. Until you have walked a day in my shoes you will never understand this raw unbearable pain. The longing to hold and kiss her again. To see her grow up. It isn't fair.

I'm tired.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

My mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.

For no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

First day of First Grade

Where has the time gone?. (Here is my attempt at a slightly normal post).

It seems just like yesterday she was just a itty bitty thing and now shes going to school, all day long. She is so excited and so nervous at the same time. She got a new haircut yesterday with bangs and has been just going gaga over herself. Its so funny, she keeps saying how different she looks and how much she loves her bangs. I'm so glad I got her haircut yesterday and was brave and let the lady do it. Its bouncy and fun just like Emily's personality. Full of sass, to much sass sometimes!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Happy Birthday Megan

Its been a month since I last posted and I'm very sorry. I've been wanting to write and write but I just couldn't get the words out. I feel like I should be writing things that are more uplifting if that makes sense. I feel like everything I write is sadness and I know it makes it so others can read my pain and for a short second maybe understand what I am going through. I just want to write something that gives someone hope.
Today is Megan's birthday. The days leading up to her birthday have been awful, I cried for days and when today finally came, I realized I was ok. The anticipation was just so hard, all that pain. 176 days. She has been gone for 176 days. It feels like a lifetime.

I keep getting mad and just think how unfair everything is, how sad I am without her here. She was such a blessing and so happy. She was born at 12:37pm. I miss her with all my heart, your children are not supposed to die before you. It isn't fair and it isn't right. This isn't something anyone is supposed to handle. I tell my daughter all the time that "Life isnt' fair" but I had no idea it was going to throw me this kind of a curveball.

Today we did as much celebrating as my heart could handle. We decorated her stone with chalk drawings. We wrote on balloons and released them. I'm hoping next year we can maybe even add a cake into the mix. Maybe buy a present for a 3 year old and donate it to the cancer wards or something. Make a donation to the SUDC, I just don't know.
I'm trying to not cry right now, I just really wanted to post a blog on her birthday. I'm going to attempt to write more often, attempt to move away from some of the pain. Thank you all for reading.