Its been a month since I last posted and I'm very sorry. I've been wanting to write and write but I just couldn't get the words out. I feel like I should be writing things that are more uplifting if that makes sense. I feel like everything I write is sadness and I know it makes it so others can read my pain and for a short second maybe understand what I am going through. I just want to write something that gives someone hope.
Today is Megan's birthday. The days leading up to her birthday have been awful, I cried for days and when today finally came, I realized I was ok. The anticipation was just so hard, all that pain. 176 days. She has been gone for 176 days. It feels like a lifetime.
I keep getting mad and just think how unfair everything is, how sad I am without her here. She was such a blessing and so happy. She was born at 12:37pm. I miss her with all my heart, your children are not supposed to die before you. It isn't fair and it isn't right. This isn't something anyone is supposed to handle. I tell my daughter all the time that "Life isnt' fair" but I had no idea it was going to throw me this kind of a curveball.
Today we did as much celebrating as my heart could handle. We decorated her stone with chalk drawings. We wrote on balloons and released them. I'm hoping next year we can maybe even add a cake into the mix. Maybe buy a present for a 3 year old and donate it to the cancer wards or something. Make a donation to the SUDC, I just don't know.
I'm trying to not cry right now, I just really wanted to post a blog on her birthday. I'm going to attempt to write more often, attempt to move away from some of the pain. Thank you all for reading.