Sunday, September 26, 2010

200 days

I know I should get rid of the countdown that tells me how long its been since I last got to hold my sweet baby girl, but I can't. Not yet anyways. Two hundred days. Can you even imagine? Most countdowns have a ending in sight, but not mine. There will never be a end to that countdown until I die. I will never again see her in this lifetime and hurts. I try to comfort myself with knowing she is with "the Lord", that she is comfortable in His Grace, His arms protect her and all that wonderful "Godly" stuff. It just doesn't always work. I'm not there right now. I'm trying, but I hurt, my heart simply aches for her and its such a unbearable pain. A pain I have to endure. I'm angry but I'm getting not quite  as angry if that makes sense.

If I didn't have faith that she was in heaven and not alone right now I'm not sure how I could go on. Even now I think about her body, her poor sweet body, in the ground. She was cremated and her body rests on top of her great great grandmother. When the moments of darkness creep in its absolute and the pain is so raw and so unfair that I let go and I cry.The utter despair.   Lately I've not felt so alone, with some of this  anger letting go I can bring some of that sorrow to Him and I'm not so alone and it doesn't feel so dark. I am not totally there yet.  I'm trying to understand and to forgive. These things happen, I don't think I was singled out for it.  Its a pain though that I hope none will ever have to feel, but I know that it will happen again.  Death happens.  This isn't something I would normally write about.

I am proud of myself. I am not a go getter like I wish I was. There are so many things Id like to do I just don't seem to have the ambition or the drive right now. Yet I get up every day, I smile every day and I tend to my family every day. It hurts to be without Megan. Some days I can't even look at her pictures and they are everywhere. I can't focus on her because its hard. Some days I can't stop staring at her. I can't stop thinking of how she would look now. How much hair she would have (hopefully). She was such a joy, she brought so much joy to life. She was so happy and so easy going. So loving. I get up everyday and I go on. I live with the guilt, and I live with the pain, and I live with the sorrow every single day but I go on. I am not a robot, my life still has meaning. She was my life but I can't fall into that pit of despair because I love me, and I love my family and I want more out of life than sadness. There is nothing I can do the change the past. I will always have unanswered questions and I will always look for the answers.

I remember the day I learned her diagnosis of S.U.D.C, sudden unexplained death in childhood. I was at the gym. I had just completed my first ever 5k. I was so excited, I was so proud and then just moments after completing such a milestone for me, the phone rang. It was a diagnosis I was expecting but all parents hope and pray that they will have some kind of answer. SUDC is a diagnosis of exclusion - given when all known and possible causes of death have been ruled out. S.U.D.C. fact sheet
I went from a complete and total high to a complete bottomed out, air released bubble in seconds.  You hope and you just pray for a diagnosis, a reason any reason that your child died but you don't always get it.  Many times you don't get it in this situation. 
How do you advocate for such a thing?  I can tell people about SUDC but does it really affect them? I'm basically telling your child over the age of 1 can die at any moment if SUDC decides to take them.  Isn't that awesome?  At least SIDS mommies get to have the, bed-sharing is bad, use a fan, cover your mattress, baby to bed on back, things like that.  What do I get? Um, well lets see, toddlers are quite adept at moving their heads, you cannot force a 18 month to sleep on their back, I had a fan in my room.   There is nothing that you can do prevent it.  I'm like the bearer of gloom when I talk about it.  Nobody knows about it and i hate that.  Who would want to know about such a thing anyways.

I think this picture is the last picture I have with her.  It was taken sometime in February. 
Here she is in February probably asking if her crown was on straight.
Her sister misses her so much, she is just so matter of fact about her death that it kills me sometimes.  When we celebrated Megan's birthday she just couldn't understand why we would possibly do such a thing when she isn't here, shes dead.


Jenna said...

<3 my heart is always with you guys! Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and hope and pray that you will have a better day than the one before! I have so much awe and belief in you that you will never know! <3

Monica said...

I wouldn't say you're an advocate of SUDC, you're an advocate for cherishing each day you have with your children. Ever since I read your blog, I am much more aware that my child is a gift to me and that she could be taken from me at any moment so I need to cherish my time with her. Thank you for giving me a much broader perspective.

Blameless said...


The depth of your pain seen next to the Joy of the moments you were blessed to share with Megan is breath-taking.

Such an unfathomable mixture of the best and worst feelings a mother can ever have.

Thank you for being honest and so transparent. Although my heart hurts reading your anguish, I am so encouraged and inspired by your strength.

Love you,

annie valentine said...

It is so good to see you writing through your feelings. You don't have to get over this, it's alright to miss her for the rest of your time apart.

Love you, thinking about you, and most importantly, loving my babies.

MeMe said...

Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.... Dealing with loss myself I know somedays are not even conceivable you can make it till the next day, but then you DO make it. Always on my mind, forever in my heart.