Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Life will never be the same

When Megan died, I realized my life would never be the same. How could it, with such a vital part of my life missing? Its a change that I've had to accept in order to wake up each day. To smile and laugh again. I have an amazing family that without them, I'm not sure how I would have been able to keep moving forward. I am a strong person, circumstances forced it upon me. Sometimes I have dark days and dark moments and some days I am ok, even more than ok.

My life without Megan will never be what it was, the absolute joy she brought into my life will never be replicated. Other joys however will come and I'm ok with that. Megan spent her blessed 18 months here with us being the happiest little girl I had ever known. After knowing her I am a better person; having kids, it changes you. For the most part it changes you to be a better person, to be strong where you once might have been weak. To learn to put others before you, to be selfless. To speak up when you once would have kept quiet. You watch them sleep and you pray that they will never know pain, that they will grow up to be strong, respectful, loving and kind. When something happens to one of them it shakes you to your core, you wonder what you did wrong. You wonder if its karma, you wonder if you could have done something to change things. Its what will happen, you can't escape it.

Megan was a beautiful little girl. My heart breaks that I will never see her grow up but I am thankful for the time I had with her. I'm thankful for how she changed me and in doing so will help me while I tackle this journey again. Babies are such incredible little beings, you can't look at them and not feel protective, you know that you will do anything in your power to protect them for the rest of their lives. Its learning to forgive yourself when things don't go the way you thought they would that is hard. So very hard. You doubt everything, maybe I didn't do it right? I must have done something wrong, how can I be trusted with another life? Am i worthy? Do I want to be worthy? A new baby will help us all heal because while it isn't a replacement its new hope, new joys. I'm terrified of what this will mean. What If I have another brown eyed baby girl? Are people going to look at pictures of Megan and assume its this new baby? I'm so scared yet hopeful, thankful for this second chance.

Somebody recently told me If people start not wanting to hear our stories about our little girls then they are not people we need to be around. I had told her that I sometimes didn't know how to answer the question of "how many kids do you have". Sometimes I don't want to tell people the story, sometimes its easier to say one. Yet it hurts to even think that because I will always have two girls. I'm always so scared that when I share my Megan stories people will feel awkward. But she was a part of me and will always be a part of me and I have to share her, I have to keep her memory alive.

I'm pregnant. I'm so happy to have this chance again. I know I will never feel complete without Megan by my side but maybe this baby will help us through the grieving process a little easier. This baby will know all about their sister. I'm so scared as well, everything is so much harder. You question everything, every cramp, every twinge I run to the bathroom. While Ive had two very easy pregnancy's I'm absolutely terrified that this time It won't be. That I truly don't deserve this chance again. How am I ever supposed to let this baby live a normal life if I'm going to be scared each and every moment it sleeps? What if I have that fear again? What If I hold this baby in my arms and it dies to.

Of course I'm scared and of course I will do what needs to be done. I have to confront my fears sometime and I will. Its unreasonable to think that I won't be scared, that I won't second guess everything. I had a child die, I had a child who was supposed to past the safe mark die. For no reasons that anyone can find. Her autopsy results leave me questioning so much. I understand the results didn't contribute 100% to her death but they are there for a reason. They point to something and I want more answers than I've been given. Its the unanswered questions that I just can't let go of.

one hundred thirty nine days

Every day I want to write but I find myself falling into a rut and I can't get the words out. Today marks 139 days. One hundred thirty nine days since I last saw my little girl. Since I hugged and I kissed her. Some days I don't understand how I will ever find joy again. I wake up every day just wishing I could turn over and find her laying there, smiling and ready to start our day. She will be turning two soon but thats a lie since she will forever be 18 months old. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle her birthday. Will I celebrate her life and the happiness she gave me or will I do nothing but cry all day.

When a child dies a part of you dies with them. Its a completely different reality that we have to face, as members of a group we never wanted to be a part of. We will never see our children again in this lifetime. There will be no watching them breathe, laugh, smile, enjoying life. We will never again hear their sweet voices say I love you. As a parent you are always trying to fix things, to make things better. I cannot fix this, I am helpless, I feel like I have no control. The guilt is so overwhelming sometimes. Every day I try and remember something. I do not want to forget a single second of her life. As time passes though, we will forget. Can you imagine what that fear is like. How horrifying it feels to know that they are slipping away, that those memories you hold dear will at some time become just memories, some of them forgotten. You want to hold on to everything but
its not going to work. My child died, she is gone forever. I will never again in this world see her. Day after day, month after month time is slipping by and she going farther and farther away.

A part of you dies when they die. Its a part of your soul that just no longer exists. Its scary, its empty and its lonely. With no warning a part of you is just gone. No one truly understands, there are no magical words you can say to someone grieving. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for emptiness you must feel, the undescribable pain you must be in, I'm sorry that I do not have the words that will fix this. I'm sorry is all you can say. "I don't know how you go on, I could never do it" I hear that so often and its a comment that I'd like to slap you for. Don't you think I one time said the same thing? Do you really think that I was chosen to have this loss because I alone could handle it? I want to die sometimes because theh grief is so hard. I know that if I don't embrace the grief though I will never heal. If i turn away from my grief and push onward it will kill what is left of me. I may feel like a shell of a person sometimes but I am still me, I am still here. Waking up everyday is a acomplisment because it is hard but I do it for me. There are people who need me and for whatever reason I feel the need to reach out other to other moms who are going through this pain. If i can help one person with my words, If I can reach one person and make them understand that you can go on. That it will never be easy but you can go on and that you will feel joy again then I can close my eyes at night and have some peace in my heart.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Not sure what to write here

I cannot stop thinking about you tonight. My arms ache to hold you again. My heart hurts and I can't catch my breath. It isn't fair. It isn't fair. I never get to hear you say mama again, i never get to have one of your kisses again, i never get to see your smiling face again. Not in this lifetime. It isn't fair. It wasn't long enough. I didn't know, I'm so sorry baby. I should've done better. What I wouldn't give to go back, to hold you for that nap. I have spent four months without you. FOUR MONTHS and it feels like forever. I have never known pain like this, nobody should ever know this pain. I want to honor your memory, honor you but tonight I cannot stop crying. My grief is overwhelming and you are gone. I don't know what to do or what to say I am so lost without you. These things happen, thats what people say. They shouldn't. Like its comforting or something. Its like telling someone who miscarriages that her baby must have had something wrong with it. THEY shouldn't happen. They shouldn't tell me there are no answer as to why. I go back and forth in the research and I'm making myself crazy. I cannot let it go, she was my baby. My sweet wonderful always happy and such a complete and utter joy baby. Oh Megan I miss you so much, I miss the crying all day every day. Now when I cry people ask me whats wrong. Whats wrong is this is all wrong. Your beautiful smile, I miss seeing it. I wish I'd dream of you. You should be 22 months old, but you will never grow. Your sister asked if you would grow in the dirt, get bigger and bigger. You made me a better person. You made me laugh every day, you made me smile all the time. You are so special, and I love you so much. I know you are with God. I know you are safe and hopefully happy. I know one day we will be together but it doesn't help with the now. I carried you for nine months inside me. My already perfect baby who slept when i slept so unlike other children. OH Megan it wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I wanted to see you grow up, I wanted to see you with hair, see if you kept those brown eyes. I hoped for so much. You still make me a better person. I reach out others and I help them. Even If i can't always help myself. I just don't know what to do, you needed me so much and now nobody needs me like that. I just want to disappear sometimes. Oh Megan when I close my eyes I can almost remmber what it was like to kiss your head and how you'd giggle and give me hugs and kisses back. I love you sweet angel.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I just want to scream

I want to have a full blown tantrum over the unfairness of everything. I'm tired, I'm sad, and I'm so sick of pretending like everything is ok. I'm tired of not being happy, really truly rewardingly happy. I hurt so much. I feel so empty and I have that right. My daughter died.

I want another baby so bad, my arms ache so much for another baby. I need that healing and I don't know if its going to happen and I'm scared. I need that healing, I need that hope but I feel like I can't hope as much for this as I did with Megan because look at what happened. Look at what happened when I wanted something so badly, she was my everything. I love her so much and Im hurting so much.

I feel like such a fake right now because I'm dying inside with a smile on my face for every one else.

I've wanted to write for weeks and I can't find the words.

I feel like its time for hope, and its time to be more positive but I havent been able to make that leap.

I'm lost and I don't even know If i want to be found.