Thursday, November 29, 2012

Closing up

I have officially become that person I hated when i first started on this grief cycle.  The person who wrote everything that I needed to hear, who felt everything I was feeling and then boom nothing.  Life went on.  Thats me now I guess. 

I miss writing.  Mostly I think i just have turned off because every damn time I write about missing my daughter I get the hearts and the hugs and I can deal with that but its the other well meaning hope you find peace, hope you talk to someone about this.  Maybe its time to go on medications etc etc.

Because you know, losing your living breathing child is  something that you should only be sad about for a couple of years.  Get over it. You're dwelling.

What I'm dwelling? How in the hell am I dwelling.  Life moved on. I didn't get to stop time, I had to move on or die myself.  People depend on me.  My family is everything.  I have quit many things in life but I would never quit living.
Grief comes in spurts.  It is 100 hundred times better now that I have Amanda.  Not because she is a replacement but she is precocious baby girl who like all little children do make you smile, make you laugh, make you appreciate all the little things in life.  Its joy that moves you forward in this grief cycle.  Without my children I would be entirely lost.  Does that mean I don't cry when I think of my daughter? I miss her, I miss everything about her.  I miss her so so so much.  It hurts.  The pain doesn't lessen, it doesn't go away you just find other ways to deal with it.  It is still overwhelming, it is still the worst thing that could have possibly ever happened but there is joy to be found in this life.

Amanda is getting so close to that age and its horrible.  Shes so cute, she just makes my heart melt.  When I start fires I place the kindling by the door and then go crumple newspapers, she proudly brings me each piece of kindling for the fire.  She sits in my lap and we both blow ( I didn't even know she could blow until the other day when she did this) to get it going.  Last night I handed her a light piece of wood and she again proudly carried it over.  I told her HOT when she got to close and she dropped it and went and sat in her chair and watched me finish up.  I walked in on her in the bathroom getting into the cupboard that wasn't locked.  She was having a grand ole time pulling out and playing with all the fingernail polishes.  I looked down at her and asked, "What are you doing?" She looked at me and smiled this big ole smirk and put it in her mouth.  I said, "I think you need pick up your mess and put that away."  She quickly stood up, grabbed a handful and threw them into the cupboard.  It was hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing.  Amanda is 14 months old now.

She is just so smart and Megan was just like this.  This was Megan a couple years ago.  My little girl was running around acting crazy like Amanda, giving kisses and blowing on things and being ornery.  Do I sleep better? No not really, its better than it was but its not what it once was.  I am not the person I was.  You don't just wake up one day and say, "you know what, not gonna worry about my kid dying today."  It doesn't happen.  Because I know that at any moment in this life something could happen.  You could lie down for a nap and never wake up again and while I will never be the person I once was it doesn't mean that I'm not better. 

We are moving next year, here is Amanda and Trixie with a clue.
 My beautiful 8 year old who is so full of mouth.  Mouth mouth mouth mouth.  Seems to the age of mouth... LOL
 Quite possibly the cutest coat and hat ever.  To bad Amanda won't actually wear hats longer than 2.4 seconds

This is what I lost. This constant joy that a toddler and baby bring.  This kind of love that should melt the coldest of hearts.  Its devastating to remember.  She was here. Doesn't feel like she was anymore, its getting harder to remember.
Megan and Emily, thankfully Amanda will keep shoes on her feet, not socks but shoes are perfectly ok.
In the picture with Amanda and Trixie, Amanda is wearing Megan's dress as seen here. For the most part I love putting her in Megan's clothes.  I have found 2 things though, that she wore one time and I just couldn't do it.  I hated seeing her wear something that was so Megan to me.