Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Things change so quickly

Here it is 4am and I'm wide awake with tears streaming down my face. Both of my girls are asleep, content with all in the world. No real idea what this year wll have in store for us. Michael has left for deployment number 2.

I spent the entire night watching him breathe, knowing it was the last time for a long time that I'd get to cuddle with him. Running my fingers through his hair, just touching him as much as I could. Barely closing my eyes because I just couldn't miss a second, hoping just maybe that if I didn't close my eyes this perfect day would never end. It was a perfect day, full of hugs and laughter.

It is so unbelievably hard to comprehend that yet again he will miss everything. There will be no first tooth from Megan, no walking Emily to her first day of kindergarten, no watching Megan take her first steps. They grow so fast and its just heartbreaking to know that he has to miss it all. Sure I can take pictures, I can email but its not the same. It will never be the same, you can never get those moments back.

I am lucky that this time I'm close to family, means I won't be able to hermitize myself to much. This is my best friend, my confidante, my hero, my love and I can't imagine how tough this year will be. Already the well intentioned " I don't know how you can do this" comments have started. You do it because you have to do it. What are my options? I don't have options, I do it because it must be done, because its the cards we have been dealt.

My best friend, we've been through so much together. 13 years. We got together so young and we've never looked back, who will i talk to now? Who is going to step in and take over when I need a break. Its going to be a lonely year, because even though we will be able to talk some, you can't talk about downers, you can't talk about things that have gone wrong because what they do over there? Nothing, it'll just make them feel worse so you keep it, you cry to your girlfriends and you shout and scream in to your pillow hoping your children don't hear you and ask whats wrong.

How do you make sure that a 10 month old isn't going to forget her father? This isn't going to be like it was last time, last time the kid was older and could look at pictures and understood but didn't understand at the same time of what was going on. This time, this time I have to hear the heartbreaking sobs from a 5 year old because she doesn't remember waking up and telling dad bye. This time I have to experience every single one of Megan's majors firsts all by myself. I have to think of ways to tell Michael about them that won't make him to upset. How do you make sure a 10 month old doesn't forget?

I don't want him to go...