Life after the death of a toddler
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Stuck
I feel stuck back in that day... today. I just keep flash backing to that last moment, that last time I held her on my couch. Held her for the last time. The weight of her in my arms, knowing the finality of what handing her over to the coroner meant. Never again. Never again would she nestle deep into my neck and hug me so tight. Never again would I hear her giggle or call for me. Never again would I see her look up at me with that gorgeous smile and love shining in her beautiful brown eyes. I can't get the image out of my head, her wrapped in that white sheet while we all held her and said our goodbyes. Goodbye, to my daughter. OH I miss her so much :( Its already been to long. My heart aches so much for you today Megan. I miss you so much, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, you are always on my mind and I just miss you.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Its a new month
March was difficult. April is going to be better. I've committed myself to getting healthier and I'm hoping and praying that I follow through. I know from experience that I need 2-3 weeks of being consistent for me to stay on this path. Exercising 2-3 times a month just wasn't cutting it.
I'm going to go and cancel my gym membership that I restarted in January. I love the gym I just cannot take Amanda there and feel good about it. Plus I have a 400 dollar damn BOB. It was one thing to not use it when it was freezing but its warmer now. Amanda of course likes to scream for the 1.5 miles and then will usually settle down and be happy. Usually it means I have to give up my phone so she can watch "Doc McStuffins"
I just emailed 20 people, my mind is mush. I ignored pretty much any email I got concerning my blog, whatever for the month of March. I think I'm all caught up but if you are reading this and saying hey you never emailed me. Let me know. I was even emailing people from last year lol. I have not been the best communicator but hey I'm getting old. I turn 34 on the 8th.
Well that's it for now. Nothing to do with Megan, I realize that If I only write about my feelings with her, I'm not going to write as often. Well see if this keeps me focused. Would like to have one blog entry a week. Tall orders I know.
Oh, would you like to laugh at me?
Last night while holding our ancient cat, I told my husband her eyes were as black as saucers.
Yep.
He made sure I knew that the saying was, WIDE as saucers. Then he went on ebay and looked up black teacups/saucers for me. Probably won't hear the end of that for awhile.
I'm going to go and cancel my gym membership that I restarted in January. I love the gym I just cannot take Amanda there and feel good about it. Plus I have a 400 dollar damn BOB. It was one thing to not use it when it was freezing but its warmer now. Amanda of course likes to scream for the 1.5 miles and then will usually settle down and be happy. Usually it means I have to give up my phone so she can watch "Doc McStuffins"
I just emailed 20 people, my mind is mush. I ignored pretty much any email I got concerning my blog, whatever for the month of March. I think I'm all caught up but if you are reading this and saying hey you never emailed me. Let me know. I was even emailing people from last year lol. I have not been the best communicator but hey I'm getting old. I turn 34 on the 8th.
Well that's it for now. Nothing to do with Megan, I realize that If I only write about my feelings with her, I'm not going to write as often. Well see if this keeps me focused. Would like to have one blog entry a week. Tall orders I know.
Oh, would you like to laugh at me?
Last night while holding our ancient cat, I told my husband her eyes were as black as saucers.
Yep.
He made sure I knew that the saying was, WIDE as saucers. Then he went on ebay and looked up black teacups/saucers for me. Probably won't hear the end of that for awhile.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
How do you come back?
How do you come back from the depths of hell? From the darkness and the despair and the longing for death. How much pain and sorrow can one person take? How many times can someone stare you in the face and tell you, "they are in a better place" "these things happen for a reason" "they were to beautiful for earth" "god only gives you what you can handle"....
Losing one child is devastating, a mind numbing choke the life out of you experience. You have no idea how you are still breathing, still walking, still functioning when your child is no longer here. The pain is unbearable. How does this happen? It has been three years since I lost Megan and the pain is overwhelming still. The fear of losing Amanda is never far from my mind. I am in a constant state of fear even if it doesn't seem like it. You cannot heal from this pain unless you allow yourself to live again. You can't lock yourself away.
There were so many days I begged to leave this earth, I'd bury my face head first into the mattress and breathe and breathe and breathe and will myself to sleep and not wake up. Losing your child is a losing a part of you. My life, my heart, my joy, my everything. Yes I have other children and yes I love them as much as I love her but this pain doesn't play fairly.
I wake up because I must.. there is no other option and three years later it is easier. You handle things better, the pain is there but time has smoothed off some of the edges.
Three years later I am still reeling from this nightmare. I am surviving. Amanda recently surpassed Megan's age of 18 months and 8 days. She is still alive. My husband says I need to stop worrying so much. She is fine. These things, they can't possibly happen twice. No one is that unlucky.
If I think about it, thats exactly what I said before she died. Those things can't possibly happen to people like me. This kind of stuff happens to other people. I'm a good mom. This kind of thinking is how our minds protect itself. You cannot possibly imagine this sort of pain until its you, and the pain is real. We are not strong because we are strong, we did not have a choice and no one ever thought to themselves... Hey I would be just fine if my child died. I could handle it, God trusts me that much.
No, you do it because its your life, its the only choice you have.
What happens when the unimaginable happens again? What happens when another child dies? How do you accept that? Another death? How do you go on? How can you possibly find the strength I've lost a child and my mind is numb and heartbroken and there is no way I can possibly imagine what my friend is going through right now. Two children.
I met Jordan as one of my baby loss mamas. Her daughter Tess died three years ago on my wedding anniversary. April 21. She is among a group of ladies that I love and admire that all lost children March/April 2010 that kept me strong.
Her daughter Tess was 10 weeks old. SIDS. No answers, just that bandaid they put on us when they can't find a reason. Jordan had two older girls, and she had a little boy in 2011. A rainbow baby after the unimaginable loss. She had another little boy, Jonesy 4 months ago. Yesterday he went to be with Tess and preliminary autopsy reports are saying nothing was wrong.
Of course we know final results will take a lot longer but come on, how much can one person take? My dear sweet friend is in a dark, dark place and I wish I could pull her out of it. Then I think to myself, if this was me, if this was Amanda. I can't do this. How can she? Of course she knows that everyone needs her. We all know this but this pain this darkness this anger. Why?
My heart is in so much pain for her. Two children gone just like that in a span of 3 years. How can this be?
Losing one child is devastating, a mind numbing choke the life out of you experience. You have no idea how you are still breathing, still walking, still functioning when your child is no longer here. The pain is unbearable. How does this happen? It has been three years since I lost Megan and the pain is overwhelming still. The fear of losing Amanda is never far from my mind. I am in a constant state of fear even if it doesn't seem like it. You cannot heal from this pain unless you allow yourself to live again. You can't lock yourself away.
There were so many days I begged to leave this earth, I'd bury my face head first into the mattress and breathe and breathe and breathe and will myself to sleep and not wake up. Losing your child is a losing a part of you. My life, my heart, my joy, my everything. Yes I have other children and yes I love them as much as I love her but this pain doesn't play fairly.
I wake up because I must.. there is no other option and three years later it is easier. You handle things better, the pain is there but time has smoothed off some of the edges.
Three years later I am still reeling from this nightmare. I am surviving. Amanda recently surpassed Megan's age of 18 months and 8 days. She is still alive. My husband says I need to stop worrying so much. She is fine. These things, they can't possibly happen twice. No one is that unlucky.
If I think about it, thats exactly what I said before she died. Those things can't possibly happen to people like me. This kind of stuff happens to other people. I'm a good mom. This kind of thinking is how our minds protect itself. You cannot possibly imagine this sort of pain until its you, and the pain is real. We are not strong because we are strong, we did not have a choice and no one ever thought to themselves... Hey I would be just fine if my child died. I could handle it, God trusts me that much.
No, you do it because its your life, its the only choice you have.
What happens when the unimaginable happens again? What happens when another child dies? How do you accept that? Another death? How do you go on? How can you possibly find the strength I've lost a child and my mind is numb and heartbroken and there is no way I can possibly imagine what my friend is going through right now. Two children.
I met Jordan as one of my baby loss mamas. Her daughter Tess died three years ago on my wedding anniversary. April 21. She is among a group of ladies that I love and admire that all lost children March/April 2010 that kept me strong.
Her daughter Tess was 10 weeks old. SIDS. No answers, just that bandaid they put on us when they can't find a reason. Jordan had two older girls, and she had a little boy in 2011. A rainbow baby after the unimaginable loss. She had another little boy, Jonesy 4 months ago. Yesterday he went to be with Tess and preliminary autopsy reports are saying nothing was wrong.
Of course we know final results will take a lot longer but come on, how much can one person take? My dear sweet friend is in a dark, dark place and I wish I could pull her out of it. Then I think to myself, if this was me, if this was Amanda. I can't do this. How can she? Of course she knows that everyone needs her. We all know this but this pain this darkness this anger. Why?
My heart is in so much pain for her. Two children gone just like that in a span of 3 years. How can this be?
Thursday, February 28, 2013
why
Why I can't I write anymore? It is so frustrating. I understand that it feels like I'm writing the same thing over and over but this is my life after...
There is still life. When the overwhelming utter sadness that swallows you whole lets you accept a little sunshine in your life...acceptance and hope enter. Does the pain leave? No, the only thing time does is let you learn how to grieve easier, how to handle the sadness is a different way.
I recently had a mother ask me why? Why do you want to have your personal information out there? Why share with all those people who just want to read about another persons sadness?
That person was me once upon a go. I like many others read the misfortune and sadness that happened to other people, we kissed and hugged our children a little closer and thought, "that couldn't happen to me". It is human nature. It is one way to let others know that life isn't a sure thing. Take the time to hold your babies a little closer even if other things have to pile up.
Smile, laugh, chase them around making noises, shower them with kisses because one day they may not be there anymore. Nothing is certain.
It doesn't matter how much I worried about Megan being sick with colds and fevers. It doesn't matter that I had the fear that I did. It doesn't matter that she was still breastfeeding, still cosleeping, none of it mattered because she still died. Don't you get it? None of us are safe. Its been almost three years and I still cannot bring myself to write about the hope and the happiness because while I may accept the happiness and hope and love... My heart still misses her unbearably and that is not my way. I feel like If I start talking about all the hope and happiness that the pain of missing her seems diminished, like its ok shes gone and its not ok. Its not ok at all.
So many mothers and one father have written me and told me how much my brutal honesty have helped them, that is all I need that is why I do this. It killed me when all I read was the hopeful posts because I felt abnormal. I couldn't even grieve properly. What was wrong with me? Was I not religious enough? Did I not have enough faith? Did I have that much bad karma? Why don't I feel comforted when I see rainbows? I don't feel that is Megan looking down on me, its a rainbow. Truthfully it breaks my heart thinking she might be here, watching me. I imagine her as a toddler and not understanding my pain. Shes just gone. She's ashes. All I have is her memory.
How I wish I could just spend an entire day crying. I just want to cry and cry and cry like I did and I can't anymore. Time heals.
Eff that, Eff time. The only thing that i appreciate is that I can tell people about Megan and not break down crying.
Everything happens for a reason.
Kids die.
I feel hopeless right now and I actually meant to write a happy post but as I come up on three years soon that anger and the pain is just so strong. Lonely. I miss her.
There is still life. When the overwhelming utter sadness that swallows you whole lets you accept a little sunshine in your life...acceptance and hope enter. Does the pain leave? No, the only thing time does is let you learn how to grieve easier, how to handle the sadness is a different way.
I recently had a mother ask me why? Why do you want to have your personal information out there? Why share with all those people who just want to read about another persons sadness?
That person was me once upon a go. I like many others read the misfortune and sadness that happened to other people, we kissed and hugged our children a little closer and thought, "that couldn't happen to me". It is human nature. It is one way to let others know that life isn't a sure thing. Take the time to hold your babies a little closer even if other things have to pile up.
Smile, laugh, chase them around making noises, shower them with kisses because one day they may not be there anymore. Nothing is certain.
It doesn't matter how much I worried about Megan being sick with colds and fevers. It doesn't matter that I had the fear that I did. It doesn't matter that she was still breastfeeding, still cosleeping, none of it mattered because she still died. Don't you get it? None of us are safe. Its been almost three years and I still cannot bring myself to write about the hope and the happiness because while I may accept the happiness and hope and love... My heart still misses her unbearably and that is not my way. I feel like If I start talking about all the hope and happiness that the pain of missing her seems diminished, like its ok shes gone and its not ok. Its not ok at all.
So many mothers and one father have written me and told me how much my brutal honesty have helped them, that is all I need that is why I do this. It killed me when all I read was the hopeful posts because I felt abnormal. I couldn't even grieve properly. What was wrong with me? Was I not religious enough? Did I not have enough faith? Did I have that much bad karma? Why don't I feel comforted when I see rainbows? I don't feel that is Megan looking down on me, its a rainbow. Truthfully it breaks my heart thinking she might be here, watching me. I imagine her as a toddler and not understanding my pain. Shes just gone. She's ashes. All I have is her memory.
How I wish I could just spend an entire day crying. I just want to cry and cry and cry like I did and I can't anymore. Time heals.
Eff that, Eff time. The only thing that i appreciate is that I can tell people about Megan and not break down crying.
Everything happens for a reason.
Kids die.
I feel hopeless right now and I actually meant to write a happy post but as I come up on three years soon that anger and the pain is just so strong. Lonely. I miss her.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Closing up
I have officially become that person I hated when i first started on this grief cycle. The person who wrote everything that I needed to hear, who felt everything I was feeling and then boom nothing. Life went on. Thats me now I guess.
I miss writing. Mostly I think i just have turned off because every damn time I write about missing my daughter I get the hearts and the hugs and I can deal with that but its the other well meaning hope you find peace, hope you talk to someone about this. Maybe its time to go on medications etc etc.
Because you know, losing your living breathing child is something that you should only be sad about for a couple of years. Get over it. You're dwelling.
What I'm dwelling? How in the hell am I dwelling. Life moved on. I didn't get to stop time, I had to move on or die myself. People depend on me. My family is everything. I have quit many things in life but I would never quit living.
Grief comes in spurts. It is 100 hundred times better now that I have Amanda. Not because she is a replacement but she is precocious baby girl who like all little children do make you smile, make you laugh, make you appreciate all the little things in life. Its joy that moves you forward in this grief cycle. Without my children I would be entirely lost. Does that mean I don't cry when I think of my daughter? I miss her, I miss everything about her. I miss her so so so much. It hurts. The pain doesn't lessen, it doesn't go away you just find other ways to deal with it. It is still overwhelming, it is still the worst thing that could have possibly ever happened but there is joy to be found in this life.
Amanda is getting so close to that age and its horrible. Shes so cute, she just makes my heart melt. When I start fires I place the kindling by the door and then go crumple newspapers, she proudly brings me each piece of kindling for the fire. She sits in my lap and we both blow ( I didn't even know she could blow until the other day when she did this) to get it going. Last night I handed her a light piece of wood and she again proudly carried it over. I told her HOT when she got to close and she dropped it and went and sat in her chair and watched me finish up. I walked in on her in the bathroom getting into the cupboard that wasn't locked. She was having a grand ole time pulling out and playing with all the fingernail polishes. I looked down at her and asked, "What are you doing?" She looked at me and smiled this big ole smirk and put it in her mouth. I said, "I think you need pick up your mess and put that away." She quickly stood up, grabbed a handful and threw them into the cupboard. It was hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing. Amanda is 14 months old now.
She is just so smart and Megan was just like this. This was Megan a couple years ago. My little girl was running around acting crazy like Amanda, giving kisses and blowing on things and being ornery. Do I sleep better? No not really, its better than it was but its not what it once was. I am not the person I was. You don't just wake up one day and say, "you know what, not gonna worry about my kid dying today." It doesn't happen. Because I know that at any moment in this life something could happen. You could lie down for a nap and never wake up again and while I will never be the person I once was it doesn't mean that I'm not better.
We are moving next year, here is Amanda and Trixie with a clue.
My beautiful 8 year old who is so full of mouth. Mouth mouth mouth mouth. Seems to the age of mouth... LOL
Quite possibly the cutest coat and hat ever. To bad Amanda won't actually wear hats longer than 2.4 seconds
This is what I lost. This constant joy that a toddler and baby bring. This kind of love that should melt the coldest of hearts. Its devastating to remember. She was here. Doesn't feel like she was anymore, its getting harder to remember.
Megan and Emily, thankfully Amanda will keep shoes on her feet, not socks but shoes are perfectly ok.
I miss writing. Mostly I think i just have turned off because every damn time I write about missing my daughter I get the hearts and the hugs and I can deal with that but its the other well meaning hope you find peace, hope you talk to someone about this. Maybe its time to go on medications etc etc.
Because you know, losing your living breathing child is something that you should only be sad about for a couple of years. Get over it. You're dwelling.
What I'm dwelling? How in the hell am I dwelling. Life moved on. I didn't get to stop time, I had to move on or die myself. People depend on me. My family is everything. I have quit many things in life but I would never quit living.
Grief comes in spurts. It is 100 hundred times better now that I have Amanda. Not because she is a replacement but she is precocious baby girl who like all little children do make you smile, make you laugh, make you appreciate all the little things in life. Its joy that moves you forward in this grief cycle. Without my children I would be entirely lost. Does that mean I don't cry when I think of my daughter? I miss her, I miss everything about her. I miss her so so so much. It hurts. The pain doesn't lessen, it doesn't go away you just find other ways to deal with it. It is still overwhelming, it is still the worst thing that could have possibly ever happened but there is joy to be found in this life.
Amanda is getting so close to that age and its horrible. Shes so cute, she just makes my heart melt. When I start fires I place the kindling by the door and then go crumple newspapers, she proudly brings me each piece of kindling for the fire. She sits in my lap and we both blow ( I didn't even know she could blow until the other day when she did this) to get it going. Last night I handed her a light piece of wood and she again proudly carried it over. I told her HOT when she got to close and she dropped it and went and sat in her chair and watched me finish up. I walked in on her in the bathroom getting into the cupboard that wasn't locked. She was having a grand ole time pulling out and playing with all the fingernail polishes. I looked down at her and asked, "What are you doing?" She looked at me and smiled this big ole smirk and put it in her mouth. I said, "I think you need pick up your mess and put that away." She quickly stood up, grabbed a handful and threw them into the cupboard. It was hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing. Amanda is 14 months old now.
She is just so smart and Megan was just like this. This was Megan a couple years ago. My little girl was running around acting crazy like Amanda, giving kisses and blowing on things and being ornery. Do I sleep better? No not really, its better than it was but its not what it once was. I am not the person I was. You don't just wake up one day and say, "you know what, not gonna worry about my kid dying today." It doesn't happen. Because I know that at any moment in this life something could happen. You could lie down for a nap and never wake up again and while I will never be the person I once was it doesn't mean that I'm not better.
We are moving next year, here is Amanda and Trixie with a clue.
Megan and Emily, thankfully Amanda will keep shoes on her feet, not socks but shoes are perfectly ok.
In the picture with Amanda and Trixie, Amanda is wearing Megan's dress as seen here. For the most part I love putting her in Megan's clothes. I have found 2 things though, that she wore one time and I just couldn't do it. I hated seeing her wear something that was so Megan to me.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Its been awhile
I stepped away from my blog for awhile. I stopped visiting blogs all together. Just needed a breather I guess.
Its hard to realize that it is ok for me to take a step back from my grief posts and posts about Amanda and life now. This blog is about my life, not simply about my grief though my grief is a large part of it. I strive to be honest and truthful and in hopes to give others comfort. So many things we think to ourselves and know these are things we can't say out loud.
My grief hasn't left, its huge hole that will forever be there. My daughter died. I miss her so much. I punish myself by thinking that no one wants to hear about how sad I am, how much I miss her and thats not the truth. The truth is... I don't know what to say anymore. Its just seems like its the same thing over and over. Its frustrating. I should be talking about her, I should be writing things down and I don't. It almost seems like she was just a figment of my imagination.
She wasn't of course. She was here, and she was perfect as all children are.
Amanda is 10 months old now. She is now the age that Megan was when dad left to Iraq. Thats hard, to realize that dad doesn't have any of these memories of Megan. He remembers so little.
I have started buying Amanda clothes that are 18 months and 24 months. Very impressive for me. Then in the same moment I realize that in just a short while I will no longer have "Megan" clothes to share with her. It sucks.
I have also had a few nights now where I woke up, looked at Amanda and went right back to sleep. Just knew she was ok, that I didn't have to touch her. Another huge improvement for me.
I've also been jealous lately. Jealous of a few mamas that I know that have their "rainbow children for lack of a better term" and they are calm. I'm jealous they don't have my crazy I guess. It isn't that I run around all day paranoid and freaking out. Far from it, but there are moments every single day where my heart stops. She is so still and I just am scared that is is that the moment again. I can't help it. I want that calmness, I want that peace again.
Amanda is finally cutting some teeth. She is getting her top 2 teeth in first. Just like big sister Emily. When I realized that she was getting those I immediately sighed, "Yes, another way she is taking after Emily and not Megan." She sat before either of the girls did. She crawled before either of the girls did. She is getting her top teeth in just like Emily instead of the bottom teeth first like Megan. So many differences and the more alike she is to Emily the more relaxed I feel. Like getting your teeth on the bottom first is a precursor for death. Who knew. Brown eyes to, I've been so thankful that Amanda has Emily's blues instead of brown. I want her to be like Megan but not at all.. Sounds stupid I know.
I'm going to try and be around a little more. I'm very behind in my friends blogs and lives if they are not on facebook lol.
Its hard to realize that it is ok for me to take a step back from my grief posts and posts about Amanda and life now. This blog is about my life, not simply about my grief though my grief is a large part of it. I strive to be honest and truthful and in hopes to give others comfort. So many things we think to ourselves and know these are things we can't say out loud.
My grief hasn't left, its huge hole that will forever be there. My daughter died. I miss her so much. I punish myself by thinking that no one wants to hear about how sad I am, how much I miss her and thats not the truth. The truth is... I don't know what to say anymore. Its just seems like its the same thing over and over. Its frustrating. I should be talking about her, I should be writing things down and I don't. It almost seems like she was just a figment of my imagination.
She wasn't of course. She was here, and she was perfect as all children are.
Amanda is 10 months old now. She is now the age that Megan was when dad left to Iraq. Thats hard, to realize that dad doesn't have any of these memories of Megan. He remembers so little.
I have started buying Amanda clothes that are 18 months and 24 months. Very impressive for me. Then in the same moment I realize that in just a short while I will no longer have "Megan" clothes to share with her. It sucks.
I have also had a few nights now where I woke up, looked at Amanda and went right back to sleep. Just knew she was ok, that I didn't have to touch her. Another huge improvement for me.
I've also been jealous lately. Jealous of a few mamas that I know that have their "rainbow children for lack of a better term" and they are calm. I'm jealous they don't have my crazy I guess. It isn't that I run around all day paranoid and freaking out. Far from it, but there are moments every single day where my heart stops. She is so still and I just am scared that is is that the moment again. I can't help it. I want that calmness, I want that peace again.
Amanda is finally cutting some teeth. She is getting her top 2 teeth in first. Just like big sister Emily. When I realized that she was getting those I immediately sighed, "Yes, another way she is taking after Emily and not Megan." She sat before either of the girls did. She crawled before either of the girls did. She is getting her top teeth in just like Emily instead of the bottom teeth first like Megan. So many differences and the more alike she is to Emily the more relaxed I feel. Like getting your teeth on the bottom first is a precursor for death. Who knew. Brown eyes to, I've been so thankful that Amanda has Emily's blues instead of brown. I want her to be like Megan but not at all.. Sounds stupid I know.
I'm going to try and be around a little more. I'm very behind in my friends blogs and lives if they are not on facebook lol.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
PTSD
I was doing so good.
I was sleeping so well. Both myself and the baby were completely sleeping through the night and then happened this little mishap. I drank too much water. I drank 130oz of water for a couple of days and in doing so, I made my milk production dramatically decrease. Yes I know. You're supposed to drink water to make milk, but turns out that if you drink more than 90oz of water a day you can actually decrease your milk. Crazy right. One of those damned if you do, damned if you don't deals.
It took me a couple of days to figure out what was going on, 24 hours of fenugreek and I was back in business however my sleeping through the night child was now waking up 6-8 times a night. Slowly we start getting things back to normal and what happens?
She decides that she is now a stomach sleeper.
Are you kidding me? I just spent the first 6 months of your life freaking out over every little thing especially when you are sleeping. I finally get those crazy overwhelming "OMG SHE'S DEAD" feelings out of my head when I wake up for the 20th time to check on her and now she wants to make me even crazier? Thats what its done. It is like flashback city, all night long. Megan died during a nap in the afternoon. Why am I so "relatively" calm during nap times but so manic at night time?
I can't sleep.
I want to so badly lay her in her crib and just sleep and I cannot. My heart starts racing and I can't breathe and the overwhelming guilt starts weighing me down and I physically cannot do it.
However, her right next to me is making me crazy. I am waking a few times a hour and 1 out of 2 times she is on her stomach and she is so still and her head is placed just like Megan's and I am over come with the emotions. I grab her and I hold her and I say "wake up wake up" " I can't do this again" "Please"
It doesn't matter that both Emily and Megan slept with me with no issues. It doesn't matter than that Megan died ALONE at nap time. I am not handling her little, "I want to sleep on my tummy phase" at all well.
2 1/2 years later and I am seriously contemplating talking to a grief counselor because not sleeping makes a not patient loving mama. Amanda is 8 1/2 months old, she is crawling and pulling up on things and smiling and laughing and her little nose crinkles when she smiles so big that she has to closer her eyes. Yet this, I just don't know how to do this. I am so tired.
I was sleeping so well. Both myself and the baby were completely sleeping through the night and then happened this little mishap. I drank too much water. I drank 130oz of water for a couple of days and in doing so, I made my milk production dramatically decrease. Yes I know. You're supposed to drink water to make milk, but turns out that if you drink more than 90oz of water a day you can actually decrease your milk. Crazy right. One of those damned if you do, damned if you don't deals.
It took me a couple of days to figure out what was going on, 24 hours of fenugreek and I was back in business however my sleeping through the night child was now waking up 6-8 times a night. Slowly we start getting things back to normal and what happens?
She decides that she is now a stomach sleeper.
Are you kidding me? I just spent the first 6 months of your life freaking out over every little thing especially when you are sleeping. I finally get those crazy overwhelming "OMG SHE'S DEAD" feelings out of my head when I wake up for the 20th time to check on her and now she wants to make me even crazier? Thats what its done. It is like flashback city, all night long. Megan died during a nap in the afternoon. Why am I so "relatively" calm during nap times but so manic at night time?
I can't sleep.
I want to so badly lay her in her crib and just sleep and I cannot. My heart starts racing and I can't breathe and the overwhelming guilt starts weighing me down and I physically cannot do it.
However, her right next to me is making me crazy. I am waking a few times a hour and 1 out of 2 times she is on her stomach and she is so still and her head is placed just like Megan's and I am over come with the emotions. I grab her and I hold her and I say "wake up wake up" " I can't do this again" "Please"
It doesn't matter that both Emily and Megan slept with me with no issues. It doesn't matter than that Megan died ALONE at nap time. I am not handling her little, "I want to sleep on my tummy phase" at all well.
2 1/2 years later and I am seriously contemplating talking to a grief counselor because not sleeping makes a not patient loving mama. Amanda is 8 1/2 months old, she is crawling and pulling up on things and smiling and laughing and her little nose crinkles when she smiles so big that she has to closer her eyes. Yet this, I just don't know how to do this. I am so tired.
Monday, May 7, 2012
I had to post
I have not been able to write in so long. I have all of a sudden become a shut in with my emotions. I talk to nobody, share with no one.
I am losing my mind. It is not healthy road I am on. I still talk about Megan of course but my emotions, my pain, my suffering, my worries, and my fears are weighing heavily on my mind. I find myself desperately wishing I had someone to talk to, but everyone that I talked to is gone or I no longer wish to share with them any longer.
I don't want to write. I don't want to talk. I even thought to myself, maybe its time to go see a counselor. Least I'd have someone who would want to listen to me, and anyone who knows me or read this blog knows that I'm not at all for therapy lol. I'm not trying to sound cryptic or depressed just trying to be honest.
I miss Megan so much. Its like she was never here, just a figment in every ones imagination. I keep finding myself, telling myself, yes she was here. She was here. I have 3 girls. I never have to worry about the dreaded middle child syndrome because she is already gone. 2 years later it still hurts so much. Its better. Still hurts though.
In other news Amanda is 7 months. She is growing like a weed, getting so big. She isn't crawling yet but finally able to sit up on her own. She gets on all fours and pushes backwards. I enjoy watching her do her push ups, and she has pulled herself up standing 3 times now.
Amanda pretty much gets whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Its pretty hard to deny her anything. The saying, "They are only little for so long" runs through our mind all the time. Would not want to have any regrets if the unimaginable were to happen again right.
A sleeping baby, I miss how that was a comfort. Now that she is 7 months old its easier but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at her and wonder. "Is she breathing?" She has taken to sleeping on her stomach, no matter how hard I try to keep her on her back, on her her side.. none of it works. I find myself unable to sleep at night because shes on her stomach. It takes every bit of will power that I have to close my eyes and find sleep again. It isn't like it was in the beginning. I don't wake up in a cold sweat with the knowledge she is dead anymore but there is always that moment when I wake up that I immediately go to her back and if I don't immediately see a movement, I touch her, I move her, anything for a response before I am able to relax again.
It isn't every single time, there are some wake ups that I look at her and push down those fears and just fall back asleep. Sometimes I just look to make sure she is in a safe position and fall back asleep. Some nights are worse than others. It is just the road that I am on now. Amanda keeps me busy, she brings me immense joy, she is healing and she is also terrifying. I imagine that as she gets closer to Megan's age the fears and desperation will get worse but for now I will take these better wakening, these times where I can take a breath and relax.
There are so many things that worry me and without a answer to Megan's death it just jumbles in my head. I'm being very selective and delaying immunizations for Amanda. She received hib, pcv and I think that is all she is going to get at least for awhile.
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