Saturday, June 2, 2012


I was doing so good.
I was sleeping so well.  Both myself and the baby were completely sleeping through the night and then happened this little mishap.  I drank too much water.  I drank 130oz of water for a couple of days and in doing so, I made my milk production dramatically decrease.  Yes I know.  You're supposed to drink water to make milk, but turns out that if you drink more than 90oz of water a day you can actually decrease your milk.  Crazy right.   One of those damned if you do, damned if you don't deals. 

It took me a couple of days to figure out what was going on, 24 hours of fenugreek and I was back in business however my sleeping through the night child was now waking up 6-8 times a night.  Slowly we start getting things back to normal and what happens?

She decides that she is now a stomach sleeper.

Are you kidding me? I just spent the first 6 months of your life freaking out over every little thing especially when you are sleeping.  I finally get those crazy overwhelming "OMG SHE'S DEAD" feelings out of my head when I wake up for the 20th time to check on her and now she wants to make me even crazier?  Thats what its done.  It is like flashback city, all night long.  Megan died during a nap in the afternoon.  Why am I so "relatively" calm during nap times but so manic at night time?

I can't sleep. 
I want to so badly lay her in her crib and just sleep and I cannot.  My heart starts racing and I can't breathe and the overwhelming guilt starts weighing me down and I physically cannot do it. 
However, her right next to me is making me crazy.  I am waking a few times a hour and 1 out of 2 times she is on her stomach and she is so still and her head is placed just like Megan's and I am over come with the emotions.  I grab her and I hold her and I say "wake up wake up" " I can't do this again"  "Please"

It doesn't matter that  both Emily and Megan slept with me with no issues.  It doesn't matter than that Megan died ALONE at nap time.  I am not handling her little, "I want to sleep on my tummy phase" at all well.

2 1/2 years later and I am seriously contemplating talking to a grief counselor because not sleeping makes a not patient loving mama.  Amanda is 8 1/2 months old, she is crawling and pulling up on things and smiling and laughing and her little nose crinkles when she smiles so big that she has to closer her eyes.  Yet this, I just don't know how to do this.  I am so tired.