tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7327743255164068422024-03-12T18:30:13.050-07:00Life after the death of a toddlerLife after the death of a toddlerJennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.comBlogger110125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-60392700935655377172014-05-04T22:20:00.001-07:002014-05-04T22:20:22.978-07:00SpamFor months now every single day, just tons of spam comments. Why all of a sudden? I rarely get regular comments anymore and I know I don't post a ton but still all these spam comments are getting old.Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-9587368354629830272014-03-25T14:45:00.002-07:002014-03-25T14:45:18.289-07:00Xavier's ashesI recently came across this web page http://xaviersashes.com<br />
I checked it out and seemed very reputable. After my last online purchase from the baby loss world I was hesitant. However it's a great page with a great meaning. I ordered two things from them and I had them in my hand within a week. That's right, one week. I paid for a product and had it in my hand in a very short time. Just as it should be. No almost 9 month wait. Here is their facebook page <a href="https://www.facebook.com/xaviersashes">https://www.facebook.com/xaviersashes</a><br />
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<br />Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-46279515738230134192014-03-12T01:28:00.000-07:002014-04-21T21:04:57.682-07:00Jewelry keepsakes We all know how difficult the days leading up to the "Day" is. That has been my life for the last week. Its over now, another year done. I still cannot believe that it has been four years. My little 5 1/2 year old who should be here but is not. For me she is ageless. I can't picture her older therefore to me she is forever 18 months. <br />
A couple weeks ago someone approached me about doing a review of her company's remembrance jewelry. I was flabbergasted and honored that she would ask me. Of course I told her yes, she was super sweet to work with. Her company is <a href="http://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/">http://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/</a>. T<<span class="">a</span> <span class="">href</span>="<a class="" href="view-source:http://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/">http://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/</a>“ rel=“nofollow"><a href="http://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/">http://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/</a></<span class="">a</span>><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">hey have some really beautiful pieces. The cremation jewelry is so delicate and so very pretty. You really couldn't go wrong with any item you ordered from them. The piece of jewelry that called to me was a heart shaped pendant that you could have engraved with a picture of your family or loved one. Something simple and elegant. is the item I picked to review. I sent in a picture and within two weeks I had it. I was so impressed with how quickly she had this necklace made and shipped. Shipping to Alaska takes a little longer but it arrived on such a needed day. The 9th, the day before the day. I cannot even tell you how comforting it was to have this beautiful necklace with Megan's face so close to my heart. The website even has a very convenient chart that shows you where the different lengths of the necklace will hang depending on the size you order. I really loved that because I was quite clueless.</span><br />
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It is simply gorgeous. Try and try as I might I could not get a good picture of this necklace. I do apologize but it is gorgeous, I am in love with it. The back of the necklace also has a engraving. Megan Olivia she still is my heart. </div>
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Isn't it lovely? Thank you so much for allowing me this opportunity. I cannot express my gratitude enough. </div>
Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-73093060243411093632014-02-22T17:35:00.003-08:002014-02-22T17:35:58.280-08:00Why is it so hard to write about grief now? It will be four years in March. How can it be four years since this little girl was in my life? <br />
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Living, breathing, smiling, laughing, walking, talking, amazing me every day and full of life. Living. She lived. She was and still is my heart. You go through something like this and nothing in your life will every be right or sane or normal again. You cannot lose a child and hope that you will be fine, that you will be the same person you were. You will never be that person again. <br />
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You will never be the person you once were. You may learn to enjoy life again, you may be able to look back and be sad and miss them so very much but you'll never be you before tragedy. We now know that good things happen to good people. I sometimes stop and wonder if she would upset that I am letting myself get worked up over something I have no control over and then I wonder how I can just sit idly by while people get hurt. It can be easy to turn a blind eye to something when you know you shouldn't. <br />
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Four years later I am sitting in Alaska, freezing my behind off and wishing I was back home so I could visit Megan's grave. To be with family so that they can experience more of the "girls who lived" lives. Emily is so stubborn and a fireball. She is so much like me but so much like her father that we clash so often. She is just amazing tho watching her develop her personality into this amazing girl who will be double digits this year. How does that even happen? How does time move like this? Years just passing by.<br />
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Amanda is 2.5 now and she is just hilarious. So different from the other two. She stomps to the corner when she is mad and crosses her arms. She has only recently started throwing tantrums. She can be hard to redirect because she seems to hold grudges lol. She is pretty amazing tho and im blessed to have her in my life. To have and have held all three in my life is absolutely amazing. <br />
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What happens when you get snow down your back? brrrr<br />
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Of course we must eat as much snow as humanly possible. <br />
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The negative temps here are not to be messed with. Bundled up we can only handle about 15 minutes at a time. </div>
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I do get to see these gorgeous lights pretty often :) Definitely a perk leaving here in Alaska. <br />
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Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-38783021474524761232014-02-17T21:21:00.002-08:002014-02-17T21:21:43.788-08:00IAMTAA update scamAt least twice a week I get comments on my blog concerning this organization. It still absolutely sickens me so many grieving mothers have had the unfortunate displeasure of dealing with this person.<br />
Someone just anonymously posted this blog page to me and I am now sharing with you.<br />
<a href="http://theonlysanepersonhere.tumblr.com/">http://theonlysanepersonhere.tumblr.com/</a>Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-72328252545476929022014-01-16T00:13:00.000-08:002014-01-16T00:20:33.672-08:00It is roughIt is rough sometimes moving forward. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always waiting for another child to die. It's a fact of life. People die and I seem to be one of the chosen. A person deemed so awesome that it was decided I could handle this. Which we all know is a crock of crap. Of course you get more than you can handle, there is no stopping of time .. The show must go on.<br />
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I have shied away from blogging, turned into one of those people who I really wished would continue blogging when I was so desperate to find others in pain like me. You get tired of the same thing said over and over. I hurt. I'm alone. People don't say their name. People don't ask questions. How many children do I have? It gets so confusing and draining.<br />
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Most days I'm good, I check on Amanda a lot. I try not to get to mad but she still is a child and people get mad. Then you feel guilty because you wished and prayed for this.. You were so mad when friends complained about these things so how dare you be angry. That guilt never leaves it just morphs into other ways to torture you.<br />
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PTSD or whatever I don't really like to throw around labels like that has gotten better but tonight was rough. I typically put Amanda to bed around 8... 7 if she skipped her nap. Tonight she went to bed at 7, no issue she was very tired.. Straight to sleep. Typically I do not come to bed until 10 or later but I will check on her numerous times. I have to see her breathe .. I have to see that she is not face down as she is a belly sleeper. Tonight I visited with Emily and then my husband, I did not check on her. After ignoring my urges a different feeling comes..... My heart races, I feel clammy, my mind is on constant replay. Finding Megan. Not moving. Over and over while I calmly pretend that I'm fine. Bed time, I just stare at the door. See I've progressed to the point where I would rather not find out that she is dead. Just breathe. I know she's ok but I don't know that she is ok. Will I scream? Did I scream last time? It's this struggle that I can't seem to get out of sometimes. I walk away. I don't check, instead I go and rub the husbands back. He hurt his back really bad and has been sleeping on the firmer bed as it's easier on him. I could easily ask him to check her and I can't get the words out. Tears run down my face and it's dark and he has no idea.. No I can't ask him, he'd want to know why. I'm not ready to break the facade, I'm doing ok, I'm alright. Finally I leave. She's been left alone for 3.5 hours. It's nothing, it's 3.5 hours but I know she's dead and I know she's alright. I walk in, turn on the light because I'd rather her waken than take me longer to confirm she's dead. The lights don't phase her. I stand at the door ready to flee. I wait. I stare and I wait and I hold my breath until I see it. Then you have to wait even longer because when you stare at things your mind plays tricks on you. Did you see that? I did, She moves her head. She's alive. Relief floods through me. Is this a daily occurrence? No. Not to this degree and I usually don't ignore my urges but I'm trying to move forward. To be normal.<br />
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I have her sleeping in a toddler bed most of the night. I can sleep as well. Can you even imagine how hard that was for me, but she needed it. I doubt I will be ready for her to leave the room any time soon but it's a start. Right now my next goal is to keep her in her bed next to the wall. When I go to bed, I pull her bed next to mine. Baby steps. It's progress.<br />
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Alaska is cold. Alaska is pretty. Alaska has some neat animals aka the moose. Alaska is cold and white and dark. We are acclimating well but it is hard to never see any color. It is white. The sun rises at 11 and leaves at 3:30 ish. Did I mention that it's cold? Emily is settling in well with school, dad is settling in to his new job and Amanda and I hang out and clean and play and that's about it so far. <br />
<br />Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-63491878784375249892013-06-30T00:35:00.000-07:002013-06-30T00:35:13.426-07:00Moving onI am getting nervous about this upcoming move. Alaska is going to be so much different than what we are used to. That darkness and then the neverending light... The -50 degree weather. I'm nervous. I have been told that the mosquitos there are mutants. They call them the state birds. Have you been there? Good? Bad? <br />
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I keep trying to tell myself that to many people live there, they wouldn't live somewhere that's inhabitable lol. You get so used to certain creature comforts, ya know like not running out of bread or milk in the winter. I know its not going to be all bad but I'm nervous and a little scared. <br />
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I'm leaving Megan's grave to the care of someone else. I know they will take good care of her but it still sucks. Hopefully we will be able to find a cute moose ornament for her gravesite. <br />
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Amanda is 21 months now and is super addicted to the show "Doc McStuffins". I made the mistake of buying her a few items of clothing with her on it and she tosses huge fits when you try to take said clothes off or refuse to put them on. Its kind of funny but not. I do know that the 30 minutes of doc means she won't move from the tv so I can get the house clean which is always nice. She doesn't say many words, but they are slowly starting to add up. I'm sure that doesn't make much sense, but I know what her words mean, but they are just now turning into actual undertstandable words. She is doing really great, loves to play in the dirt. Oh boy does she love dirt. I think we need a sand box because that has to be cleaner right? <br />
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Emily is doing wonderful, she is the best big sister ever. She is almost 9. She is my built in awesome babysitter. She wants to do things with her all the time and Amanda of course just wants to be with big sister. She has started potty training her. If Emily sits on the toilet, Amanda has to sit on her toilet as well. Its all fun and games till the baby pees or poos on the floor. Then its "MOM". I really can't say much though because I'm betting having Amanda want to copy Emily so much will really make potty training easier. <br />
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We are just enjoying our last summer here, we were supposed to be moved already. In with the inlaws to save some money for the move, but we are now waiting till August. Should be a lot of fun to with family all the time, but poor dad will have to do lots of commuting and staying with his brother during the week. It will be worth in the long run though to be able to move to Alaska and not have to worry about purchasing expensive winter gear and deposits etc etc. <br />
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Wild Amanda, sand has to be easier right? </div>
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Beautiful Emily at the zoo</div>
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Must have Doc Mcstuffins on at all times</div>
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Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-49158484435072353682013-06-28T10:19:00.003-07:002014-02-22T17:03:05.936-08:00Last one i hope about IAAMTAAOn June 27, 2013 I finally received the order from Oct 6, 2012. <br />
No its not covered in gold and rainbow dust. It is exactly what I ordered. *With a extra little cross as a sorry you had to wait gift*<br />
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<br />
<br />
8 months for a ten dollar bauble. My friend Dana, who ordered same day <u>has not </u>and is frankly just done with this. I have reported her to a few things but she is pretty silly to think I am the only one doing the reports. She has hurt many woman. A few of us decided to come forward, tired of not being heard. A small group on facebook was created so everything we could find on IAAMTAA owner and her other businesses. I was unfortunately stupid enough to make it public when I thought it was closed so all the incriminating stuff was deleted. I've been told that items were just" ready" so that is why they shipped. Over 100 orders. Shipped after I called her a scam where others can read it. Coincidence? Maybe so. Maybe she was just finally ready to do the job she was paid for. <br />
I put this out here because other people will search this and they will realize they are not alone. <br />
<br />
The one piece I really thought was funny/ironic was finding the complaint she laid on the person who made the bracelets for her. See, we ordered in October and November yet she didn't even commission the bracelets till end of January. Maternity leave and holiday leave ok, but who leaves their customers in the dark? Who doesn't take the time to let people know, none of my emails tell me, "Hey I will not even be making these till January, is that to long? Can I offer you a refund?" Tell me is that unreasonable to expect? <br />
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<br />
She commissioned the bracelets and then its ok for her to complain about not getting things in a timely manner, she only waited two months before leaving bad feedback. There is no way for me to leave her feedback on her site, she and her co owners delete everything. You might be thinking to yourself, well if you cuss at someone and go over the top then that's your fault. Fortunately we are all woman who are able to act like grown ups. No threats were sent out. Simple questions about why she was starting new companies, taking in new orders over and over and over while not fulfilling her backed up extremely over due orders. Sorry for the confusion on this matter, she paid the lady end of January, beginning of april she posted pictures of our bracelets on her website. That's what I went off of when I said two months. Sorry for the confusion. Should have clarified more. It is correct that it was actually 4 months that she waited till she had the blessing to leave feed back. <br />
<br />
Yes her page is full of support. Wonderful stuff, I don't know what I would have done without the I found online in various places. <br />
<br />
You cannot take peoples money and not deliver products in a timely manner. <br />
People tell me she just got in over her head. Took in to much. Ok. <br />
Then I started researching her and found out that her customer service and delivery has been this way from the start. Whatever. Beware. Think twice about donating and think twice about ordering. <br />
She could have handled things in much better manner, end of story. **<br />
<br />
Thank you for finally getting the product to me that I ordered 8 months ago. Thumbs up. Good job, this is how a responsible business owner does business. <br />
Now its time to get this blog back to where it should be. Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-86283433839098276352013-06-26T20:49:00.000-07:002014-02-17T21:28:38.013-08:00Its sort of crazy (iaamtaa scammer)The drama of facebook.<br />
So not me.<br />
<br />
There are some things I need to clarify. I am not against the support that IAAMTAA page gives. There is nothing wrong with that support, what I have a problem with is the fact that she has been taking peoples money and not giving those people the said product. I know this because multiple people have told me so. <br />
<br />
End of story. Think of this as a bad review. Her support is right on, great place for her followers to get the support moms need. They however do not need someone taking their money. There is nothing negative on her page because she deletes it all. You pay for her these products. 8 months? not ok. I am not some overly emotional cyber bully. I am just trying to make sure others do not get hurt. <br />
<br />
I found multiple boutiques she runs, along with multiple complaints (same as mine) on said boutiques. Once she found out that I found those, she deleted it all. There is even a blog where she talks about having to refund a bunch of customers because they just couldn't understand that she has health problems and is going through so much... In 2011. Come on, open your eyes and your hearts. I am not a vengeful spiteful cruel person. I could have even let it go, It was only ten dollars. Then I did my research and found that shes been doing this to people since 2010. Treating people this way for this long, I can't just sit idly by. No she doesn't do it to everyone. Think about it.... If you stole everyones money you would be outted as a fraud before you could blink. This is someone just siphoning from the top.<br />
What can I do? I can't talk on her page. None of my friends can talk on her page. I raised a stink and voila, 100 orders were mailed out. Are you kidding? This is someone scared. This is someone who has something to hide so she deleted her things. <br />
<br />
I am a person, I stick up for the little guy so much I make my husband mad all the time. I stuck up for her over and over and over and then I started thinking wow, she wants everyone to email her but shes snappy in her emails and tells us that taking time to email you is taking away from the time she could be working and its just excuse after excuse. You can judge me if you want to. I know the truth. She knows the truth. I'm not slandering her, i'm not calling her bad names. Someone that takes your money and doesn't give you a product or give you a refund is a thief. <br />
<br />Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-86653396713786140592013-06-24T17:37:00.000-07:002013-08-28T22:41:28.887-07:00I am a mother to an angel is a scam part 2.I have been debating on sharing emails and other places I have found that speak about her simply because its so messy and hard to read copy and pasting. I'm going to do some though, I'll copy and paste and then add the link.<br />
<br />
See today I found out that Kerin owner of I am a mother to an angel, Is also the owner to "Twinkle baby boutique". Link to her etsy <a href="http://www.etsy.com/shop/twinklebaby">http://www.etsy.com/shop/twinklebaby</a><br />
<br />
Detective work.<br />
Here is one person who ordered from TBB and the comments are eerily similar to my displeasure.<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/creations-for-children/210338865650720">https://www.facebook.com/pages/creations-for-children/210338865650720</a> you must <br />
Skip to 2012, February. to see the comments.. <br />
<br />
<br />
I found this gem concerning Twinkle baby boutique from 2010. Are you serious, she's been doing it that long? <br />
<br />
<span id="yui_3_7_2_1_1372117544181_3716">"July 19, 2010 at 6:28 pm <br /><br /> I got permission to post the WAHM from the OP on DS. It is Twinkle Baby Boutique on Facebook, she has both a fan page and a regular page, it states she is 5 to 6 weeks behind but is still running First Comment Games AND taking new orders. She gets mad if you ask her about an order status (I was told I would get it when I got it) Oh yeah she also throws fits if you call her out on her being behind saying we don’t know what she is going through."</span><br />
<a href="http://thedramaofdiaperswappers.wordpress.com/2010/07/18/no-you-are-right/">http://thedramaofdiaperswappers.wordpress.com/2010/07/18/no-you-are-right/</a> this where that quote comes from. <br />
<br />
Interesting.<br />
<br />
I have 2 emails from people who read the before blog and said , "Hey me to!"<br />
<br />
I have 6 people on Facebook who have communicated with me, on the lack of service Kerin has provided. I know I have more, but apparently facebook has deleted emails? I'm finding that I can't go back very far looking for messages. <br />
<br />
Things happen. I'm not heartless. This however is not how you run a business. You don't take peoples money and refuse to refund them or get their product to them. 8 months. <br />
I bought this bracelet for Emily. For Christmas 2012. Not once was I told this would be a long time coming, like she says she did. She didn't mention anything till January when I wrote asking about my bracelet. Two more weeks, hun. <br />
February, she still doesn't have them. <br />
March, she will get them to me when she can.<br />
April, posts pictures of said bracelets on her website. Its JUNE. Come on. Come on. COME ON.<br />
<br />
She has apparently seen my blog and commented on her page about it.<br />
Here is a comment concerning me, I deleted the womans last name she was talking to but its visible on the facebook page. <br />
<br />
**<a aria-haspopup="true" aria-owns="js_0" class="UFICommentActorName" data-ft="{"tn":";"}" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/hovercard.php?id=164588390231718&extragetparams=%7B%22hc_location%22%3A%22ufi%22%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/iamamothertoanangel" id=".reactRoot[1856838].[2]{comment613120162045203_95874825}.[1:0].[4:0:1].[3:1].[4:0:1].[1:1].[1:0].[1:0:0]">I Am A Mother To An Angel</a><span id=".reactRoot[1856838].[2]{comment613120162045203_95874825}.[1:0].[4:0:1].[3:1].[4:0:1].[1:1].[1:0].[1]"> </span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[1856838].[2]{comment613120162045203_95874825}.[1:0].[4:0:1].[3:1].[4:0:1].[1:1].[1:0].[1:0:2]"><span id=".reactRoot[1856838].[2]{comment613120162045203_95874825}.[1:0].[4:0:1].[3:1].[4:0:1].[1:1].[1:0].[1:0:2].[2:0]">Lochlain<span id=".reactRoot[1856838].[2]{comment613120162045203_95874825}.[1:0].[4:0:1].[3:1].[4:0:1].[1:1].[1:0].[1:0:2].[2:0].[3:0:1]"> I was referring to her friend's blog which was posted by someone who does not even know me and who slandered my name despite that. I have apologized to your friend many times and always been very kind to her despite what her blog says. Nobody has been left out in the cold. She doesn't tell the whole story. The bracelets were not even due until January and I paid someone else to make them, who did not even send them all until April. Since April both my children, husband, and I have all taken turns in the hospital. All of this was explained very kindly to your friend in an update again with repeated apologies. Before you come here judging me you should know the whole story. She has caused unneeded drama in our peaceful loving community**</span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">My friend and I were never told that they were due in January. We would never have ordered. We weren't even told that she was sending them out to someone else to do the work until February. Not one time has she slowed down her business and said hey, I'm going to get this caught up. No its story after story after story about her life. Put the bracelet in a envelope and mail it off. This is not my bad, this is her bad and she really needs to learn how to run a business properly. This Is not cuddly hearts anymore. </span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">People that emailed me say they are scared to comment on her page because they to have seen people comment and then deleted. There is still this small hope we may get our items I suppose. Don't make waves.. maybe this was all a bad dream.. Oh wait no. Our kids are all still dead. This woman is still not giving people the things they paid for. </span><br />
<br />
Oh look she's had problems keeping her customers happy since 2011 <a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fhergoodintentions.blogspot.com%2F2011%2F06%2Fchaos.html%3Fm%3D1%23comment-form&h=tAQGjjjg6">http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fhergoodintentions.blogspot.com%2F2011%2F06%2Fchaos.html%3Fm%3D1%23comment-form&h=tAQGjjjg6</a>Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-32320242251001883612013-06-06T21:38:00.000-07:002013-06-30T17:10:47.874-07:00I am a mother of an angel (stay away from this facebook page)I am generally a nice person.<br />
I am generally very understanding. <br />
I am not posting about my life right now, but instead a warning about a very shady person who takes advantage of those who've lost children.<br />
<br />
Lets say on October 6, 2012 you ordered something from person who makes grief and remembrance stuff. Lets say on June 6, 2013 you still didn't have that item. How would you feel? <br />
<br />
I got ripped off by someone on facebook and all I want to do is get the word out. There has always been some sort of excuse as to why she couldn't get this product out to me. 2-8 weeks is the normal shipping time. Oh, but then she had a baby so add in maternity time. Oh but then there was holidays, here is me<<< hmm ok, I understand, things happen I get it. Then as the months go by and I'm watching her take in new orders and do specials over and over I start becoming concerned.<br />
<br />
You would think, a normal person would go, hmm I am really behind.. NO more orders until I get this stuff out. Normal person behaviour. What does she do instead? Specials after specials. I send email after email being very respectful many of which were just not answered. Another close friend is in the exact same boat. When the owner actually replies the emails are just snappy.<br />
I am a customer, I paid you for a product and its been 8 months. <br />
<br />
Every single time we email her she goes on to her facebook page and is, "woe is me. People are so mean, they don't understand I'm doing this out of the bottom of my heart." If you write on her page asking about your stuff and you are not in the 2-8 week window your comment is deleted. If you get at all self-righteous and actually question her, not even rude just, "Hey this has been long time now what is going on". Immediate banning of your comment privilege. You can now read but no longer able to comment on her page. Immediately everyone on her page is comforting her, how dare they not understand. We are so mean, so hurtful, she is so kind, she is so sweet. No one can say anything because they no longer have the right to have a differing opinion. <br />
<br />
I'm sorry but I see no other way around saying this. She is a thief. She took our money and won't give it back. Won't give us our item.<br />
<br />
She even went so far as to put pics up of our items in March. Its June, they are little beaded bracelets. They would ship in a small envelope for 50 cents.<br />
<br />
She has never stopped taking in orders. She even started a new business. She asks for donations over and over.<br />
It is only ten dollars.<br />
It's not about the money. All I wanted was her Megan's name. All I wanted was the bracelet for my collection. It was never about the money. It was about taking care of your customers, being respectful and not stealing from people who only want their childs name on things.<br />
In the long run of things, I never expect to see the money nor the product. I am however concerned that others might be in this same boat. I am concerned that others will be ripped off by her as well.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/iamamothertoanangel?fref=ts">https://www.facebook.com/iamamothertoanangel?fref=ts</a><br />
<br />
I am a mother of an angel.<br />
Please be vigilant and aware before you order from her.<br />
<br />
My email<br />
<a href="mailto:mjmjam2002@yahoo.com">mjmjam2002@yahoo.com</a><br />
** edit<br />
I have had a few people ask why I don't have paypal take care of it. She smartly makes it known there is a 2-8 week shipping window. Paypal will only let you make claim within 45 days. Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-15313617123040202762013-04-16T10:04:00.002-07:002013-04-16T10:04:59.537-07:00StuckI feel stuck back in that day... today. I just keep flash backing to that last moment, that last time I held her on my couch. Held her for the last time. The weight of her in my arms, knowing the finality of what handing her over to the coroner meant. Never again. Never again would she nestle deep into my neck and hug me so tight. Never again would I hear her giggle or call for me. Never again would I see her look up at me with that gorgeous smile and love shining in her beautiful brown eyes. I can't get the image out of my head, her wrapped in that white sheet while we all held her and said our goodbyes. Goodbye, to my daughter. OH I miss her so much :( Its already been to long. My heart aches so much for you today Megan. I miss you so much, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, you are always on my mind and I just miss you.Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-16452020684176706922013-04-03T15:16:00.000-07:002013-04-03T15:16:02.349-07:00Its a new monthMarch was difficult. April is going to be better. I've committed myself to getting healthier and I'm hoping and praying that I follow through. I know from experience that I need 2-3 weeks of being consistent for me to stay on this path. Exercising 2-3 times a month just wasn't cutting it. <br />
<br />
I'm going to go and cancel my gym membership that I restarted in January. I love the gym I just cannot take Amanda there and feel good about it. Plus I have a 400 dollar damn BOB. It was one thing to not use it when it was freezing but its warmer now. Amanda of course likes to scream for the 1.5 miles and then will usually settle down and be happy. Usually it means I have to give up my phone so she can watch "Doc McStuffins" <br />
<br />
I just emailed 20 people, my mind is mush. I ignored pretty much any email I got concerning my blog, whatever for the month of March. I think I'm all caught up but if you are reading this and saying hey you never emailed me. Let me know. I was even emailing people from last year lol. I have not been the best communicator but hey I'm getting old. I turn 34 on the 8th. <br />
<br />
Well that's it for now. Nothing to do with Megan, I realize that If I only write about my feelings with her, I'm not going to write as often. Well see if this keeps me focused. Would like to have one blog entry a week. Tall orders I know. <br />
<br />
Oh, would you like to laugh at me? <br />
<br />
Last night while holding our ancient cat, I told my husband her eyes were as black as saucers.<br />
Yep. <br />
He made sure I knew that the saying was, WIDE as saucers. Then he went on ebay and looked up black teacups/saucers for me. Probably won't hear the end of that for awhile. Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-33575307736216148332013-03-30T19:11:00.001-07:002013-03-30T19:11:31.933-07:00How do you come back?How do you come back from the depths of hell? From the darkness and the despair and the longing for death. How much pain and sorrow can one person take? How many times can someone stare you in the face and tell you, "they are in a better place" "these things happen for a reason" "they were to beautiful for earth" "god only gives you what you can handle"....<br />
<br />
Losing one child is devastating, a mind numbing choke the life out of you experience. You have no idea how you are still breathing, still walking, still functioning when your child is no longer here. The pain is unbearable. How does this happen? It has been three years since I lost Megan and the pain is overwhelming still. The fear of losing Amanda is never far from my mind. I am in a constant state of fear even if it doesn't seem like it. You cannot heal from this pain unless you allow yourself to live again. You can't lock yourself away. <br />
<br />
There were so many days I begged to leave this earth, I'd bury my face head first into the mattress and breathe and breathe and breathe and will myself to sleep and not wake up. Losing your child is a losing a part of you. My life, my heart, my joy, my everything. Yes I have other children and yes I love them as much as I love her but this pain doesn't play fairly. <br />
<br />
I wake up because I must.. there is no other option and three years later it is easier. You handle things better, the pain is there but time has smoothed off some of the edges. <br />
<br />
Three years later I am still reeling from this nightmare. I am surviving. Amanda recently surpassed Megan's age of 18 months and 8 days. She is still alive. My husband says I need to stop worrying so much. She is fine. These things, they can't possibly happen twice. No one is that unlucky. <br />
<br />
If I think about it, thats exactly what I said before she died. Those things can't possibly happen to people like me. This kind of stuff happens to other people. I'm a good mom. This kind of thinking is how our minds protect itself. You cannot possibly imagine this sort of pain until its you, and the pain is real. We are not strong because we are strong, we did not have a choice and no one ever thought to themselves... Hey I would be just fine if my child died. I could handle it, God trusts me that much. <br />
No, you do it because its your life, its the only choice you have.<br />
<br />
What happens when the unimaginable happens again? What happens when another child dies? How do you accept that? Another death? How do you go on? How can you possibly find the strength I've lost a child and my mind is numb and heartbroken and there is no way I can possibly imagine what my friend is going through right now. Two children. <br />
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I met Jordan as one of my baby loss mamas. Her daughter Tess died three years ago on my wedding anniversary. April 21. She is among a group of ladies that I love and admire that all lost children March/April 2010 that kept me strong.<br />
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Her daughter Tess was 10 weeks old. SIDS. No answers, just that bandaid they put on us when they can't find a reason. Jordan had two older girls, and she had a little boy in 2011. A rainbow baby after the unimaginable loss. She had another little boy, Jonesy 4 months ago. Yesterday he went to be with Tess and preliminary autopsy reports are saying nothing was wrong. <br />
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Of course we know final results will take a lot longer but come on, how much can one person take? My dear sweet friend is in a dark, dark place and I wish I could pull her out of it. Then I think to myself, if this was me, if this was Amanda. I can't do this. How can she? Of course she knows that everyone needs her. We all know this but this pain this darkness this anger. Why?<br />
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My heart is in so much pain for her. Two children gone just like that in a span of 3 years. How can this be? Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-6643402422010790382013-02-28T11:55:00.002-08:002013-02-28T11:55:22.238-08:00why Why I can't I write anymore? It is so frustrating. I understand that it feels like I'm writing the same thing over and over but this is my life after... <br />
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There is still life. When the overwhelming utter sadness that swallows you whole lets you accept a little sunshine in your life...acceptance and hope enter. Does the pain leave? No, the only thing time does is let you learn how to grieve easier, how to handle the sadness is a different way.<br />
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I recently had a mother ask me why? Why do you want to have your personal information out there? Why share with all those people who just want to read about another persons sadness?<br />
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That person was me once upon a go. I like many others read the misfortune and sadness that happened to other people, we kissed and hugged our children a little closer and thought, "that couldn't happen to me". It is human nature. It is one way to let others know that life isn't a sure thing. Take the time to hold your babies a little closer even if other things have to pile up. <br />
Smile, laugh, chase them around making noises, shower them with kisses because one day they may not be there anymore. Nothing is certain. <br />
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It doesn't matter how much I worried about Megan being sick with colds and fevers. It doesn't matter that I had the fear that I did. It doesn't matter that she was still breastfeeding, still cosleeping, none of it mattered because she still died. Don't you get it? None of us are safe. Its been almost three years and I still cannot bring myself to write about the hope and the happiness because while I may accept the happiness and hope and love... My heart still misses her unbearably and that is not my way. I feel like If I start talking about all the hope and happiness that the pain of missing her seems diminished, like its ok shes gone and its not ok. Its not ok at all. <br />
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So many mothers and one father have written me and told me how much my brutal honesty have helped them, that is all I need that is why I do this. It killed me when all I read was the hopeful posts because I felt abnormal. I couldn't even grieve properly. What was wrong with me? Was I not religious enough? Did I not have enough faith? Did I have that much bad karma? Why don't I feel comforted when I see rainbows? I don't feel that is Megan looking down on me, its a rainbow. Truthfully it breaks my heart thinking she might be here, watching me. I imagine her as a toddler and not understanding my pain. Shes just gone. She's ashes. All I have is her memory.<br />
How I wish I could just spend an entire day crying. I just want to cry and cry and cry like I did and I can't anymore. Time heals.<br />
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Eff that, Eff time. The only thing that i appreciate is that I can tell people about Megan and not break down crying. <br />
Everything happens for a reason. <br />
Kids die. <br />
I feel hopeless right now and I actually meant to write a happy post but as I come up on three years soon that anger and the pain is just so strong. Lonely. I miss her. Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-82741329509288555352012-11-29T13:11:00.000-08:002012-11-29T13:11:20.755-08:00Closing upI have officially become that person I hated when i first started on this grief cycle. The person who wrote everything that I needed to hear, who felt everything I was feeling and then boom nothing. Life went on. Thats me now I guess. <br />
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I miss writing. Mostly I think i just have turned off because every damn time I write about missing my daughter I get the hearts and the hugs and I can deal with that but its the other well meaning hope you find peace, hope you talk to someone about this. Maybe its time to go on medications etc etc.<br />
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Because you know, losing your living breathing child is something that you should only be sad about for a couple of years. Get over it. You're dwelling.<br />
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What I'm dwelling? How in the hell am I dwelling. Life moved on. I didn't get to stop time, I had to move on or die myself. People depend on me. My family is everything. I have quit many things in life but I would never quit living. <br />
Grief comes in spurts. It is 100 hundred times better now that I have Amanda. Not because she is a replacement but she is precocious baby girl who like all little children do make you smile, make you laugh, make you appreciate all the little things in life. Its joy that moves you forward in this grief cycle. Without my children I would be entirely lost. Does that mean I don't cry when I think of my daughter? I miss her, I miss everything about her. I miss her so so so much. It hurts. The pain doesn't lessen, it doesn't go away you just find other ways to deal with it. It is still overwhelming, it is still the worst thing that could have possibly ever happened but there is joy to be found in this life. <br />
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Amanda is getting so close to that age and its horrible. Shes so cute, she just makes my heart melt. When I start fires I place the kindling by the door and then go crumple newspapers, she proudly brings me each piece of kindling for the fire. She sits in my lap and we both blow ( I didn't even know she could blow until the other day when she did this) to get it going. Last night I handed her a light piece of wood and she again proudly carried it over. I told her HOT when she got to close and she dropped it and went and sat in her chair and watched me finish up. I walked in on her in the bathroom getting into the cupboard that wasn't locked. She was having a grand ole time pulling out and playing with all the fingernail polishes. I looked down at her and asked, "What are you doing?" She looked at me and smiled this big ole smirk and put it in her mouth. I said, "I think you need pick up your mess and put that away." She quickly stood up, grabbed a handful and threw them into the cupboard. It was hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing. Amanda is 14 months old now. <br />
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She is just so smart and Megan was just like this. This was Megan a couple years ago. My little girl was running around acting crazy like Amanda, giving kisses and blowing on things and being ornery. Do I sleep better? No not really, its better than it was but its not what it once was. I am not the person I was. You don't just wake up one day and say, "you know what, not gonna worry about my kid dying today." It doesn't happen. Because I know that at any moment in this life something could happen. You could lie down for a nap and never wake up again and while I will never be the person I once was it doesn't mean that I'm not better. <br />
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We are moving next year, here is Amanda and Trixie with a clue. <br />
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My beautiful 8 year old who is so full of mouth. Mouth mouth mouth mouth. Seems to the age of mouth... LOL<br />
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Quite possibly the cutest coat and hat ever. To bad Amanda won't actually wear hats longer than 2.4 seconds<br />
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This is what I lost. This constant joy that a toddler and baby bring. This kind of love that should melt the coldest of hearts. Its devastating to remember. She was here. Doesn't feel like she was anymore, its getting harder to remember. <br />
Megan and Emily, thankfully Amanda will keep shoes on her feet, not socks but shoes are perfectly ok. <br />
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In the picture with Amanda and Trixie, Amanda is wearing Megan's dress as seen here. For the most part I love putting her in Megan's clothes. I have found 2 things though, that she wore one time and I just couldn't do it. I hated seeing her wear something that was so Megan to me. </div>
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Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-65425093679593435552012-07-30T13:34:00.000-07:002012-07-30T13:34:49.226-07:00Its been awhileI stepped away from my blog for awhile. I stopped visiting blogs all together. Just needed a breather I guess. <br />
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Its hard to realize that it is ok for me to take a step back from my grief posts and posts about Amanda and life now. This blog is about my life, not simply about my grief though my grief is a large part of it. I strive to be honest and truthful and in hopes to give others comfort. So many things we think to ourselves and know these are things we can't say out loud. <br />
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My grief hasn't left, its huge hole that will forever be there. My daughter died. I miss her so much. I punish myself by thinking that no one wants to hear about how sad I am, how much I miss her and thats not the truth. The truth is... I don't know what to say anymore. Its just seems like its the same thing over and over. Its frustrating. I should be talking about her, I should be writing things down and I don't. It almost seems like she was just a figment of my imagination. <br />
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She wasn't of course. She was here, and she was perfect as all children are. <br />
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Amanda is 10 months old now. She is now the age that Megan was when dad left to Iraq. Thats hard, to realize that dad doesn't have any of these memories of Megan. He remembers so little. <br />
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I have started buying Amanda clothes that are 18 months and 24 months. Very impressive for me. Then in the same moment I realize that in just a short while I will no longer have "Megan" clothes to share with her. It sucks. <br />
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I have also had a few nights now where I woke up, looked at Amanda and went right back to sleep. Just knew she was ok, that I didn't have to touch her. Another huge improvement for me.<br />
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I've also been jealous lately. Jealous of a few mamas that I know that have their "rainbow children for lack of a better term" and they are calm. I'm jealous they don't have my crazy I guess. It isn't that I run around all day paranoid and freaking out. Far from it, but there are moments every single day where my heart stops. She is so still and I just am scared that is is that the moment again. I can't help it. I want that calmness, I want that peace again. <br />
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Amanda is finally cutting some teeth. She is getting her top 2 teeth in first. Just like big sister Emily. When I realized that she was getting those I immediately sighed, "Yes, another way she is taking after Emily and not Megan." She sat before either of the girls did. She crawled before either of the girls did. She is getting her top teeth in just like Emily instead of the bottom teeth first like Megan. So many differences and the more alike she is to Emily the more relaxed I feel. Like getting your teeth on the bottom first is a precursor for death. Who knew. Brown eyes to, I've been so thankful that Amanda has Emily's blues instead of brown. I want her to be like Megan but not at all.. Sounds stupid I know. <br />
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I'm going to try and be around a little more. I'm very behind in my friends blogs and lives if they are not on facebook lol.Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-36444870711729442272012-06-02T23:07:00.000-07:002012-06-02T23:07:52.575-07:00PTSDI was doing so good.<br />
I was sleeping so well. Both myself and the baby were completely sleeping through the night and then happened this little mishap. I drank too much water. I drank 130oz of water for a couple of days and in doing so, I made my milk production dramatically decrease. Yes I know. You're supposed to drink water to make milk, but turns out that if you drink more than 90oz of water a day you can actually decrease your milk. Crazy right. One of those damned if you do, damned if you don't deals. <br />
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It took me a couple of days to figure out what was going on, 24 hours of fenugreek and I was back in business however my sleeping through the night child was now waking up 6-8 times a night. Slowly we start getting things back to normal and what happens?<br />
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She decides that she is now a stomach sleeper.<br />
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Are you kidding me? I just spent the first 6 months of your life freaking out over every little thing especially when you are sleeping. I finally get those crazy overwhelming "OMG SHE'S DEAD" feelings out of my head when I wake up for the 20th time to check on her and now she wants to make me even crazier? Thats what its done. It is like flashback city, all night long. Megan died during a nap in the afternoon. Why am I so "relatively" calm during nap times but so manic at night time? <br />
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I can't sleep. <br />
I want to so badly lay her in her crib and just sleep and I cannot. My heart starts racing and I can't breathe and the overwhelming guilt starts weighing me down and I physically cannot do it. <br />
However, her right next to me is making me crazy. I am waking a few times a hour and 1 out of 2 times she is on her stomach and she is so still and her head is placed just like Megan's and I am over come with the emotions. I grab her and I hold her and I say "wake up wake up" " I can't do this again" "Please"<br />
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It doesn't matter that both Emily and Megan slept with me with no issues. It doesn't matter than that Megan died ALONE at nap time. I am not handling her little, "I want to sleep on my tummy phase" at all well. <br />
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2 1/2 years later and I am seriously contemplating talking to a grief counselor because not sleeping makes a not patient loving mama. Amanda is 8 1/2 months old, she is crawling and pulling up on things and smiling and laughing and her little nose crinkles when she smiles so big that she has to closer her eyes. Yet this, I just don't know how to do this. I am so tired.Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-68483992027765558852012-05-07T23:10:00.000-07:002012-05-07T23:10:46.448-07:00I had to post<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
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I have not been able to write in so long. I have all of a sudden become a shut in with my emotions. I talk to nobody, share with no one. </div>
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I am losing my mind. It is not healthy road I am on. I still talk about Megan of course but my emotions, my pain, my suffering, my worries, and my fears are weighing heavily on my mind. I find myself desperately wishing I had someone to talk to, but everyone that I talked to is gone or I no longer wish to share with them any longer. </div>
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I don't want to write. I don't want to talk. I even thought to myself, maybe its time to go see a counselor. Least I'd have someone who would want to listen to me, and anyone who knows me or read this blog knows that I'm not at all for therapy lol. I'm not trying to sound cryptic or depressed just trying to be honest. </div>
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I miss Megan so much. Its like she was never here, just a figment in every ones imagination. I keep finding myself, telling myself, yes she was here. She was here. I have 3 girls. I never have to worry about the dreaded middle child syndrome because she is already gone. 2 years later it still hurts so much. Its better. Still hurts though. </div>
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In other news Amanda is 7 months. She is growing like a weed, getting so big. She isn't crawling yet but finally able to sit up on her own. She gets on all fours and pushes backwards. I enjoy watching her do her push ups, and she has pulled herself up standing 3 times now. </div>
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Amanda pretty much gets whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Its pretty hard to deny her anything. The saying, "They are only little for so long" runs through our mind all the time. Would not want to have any regrets if the unimaginable were to happen again right. </div>
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A sleeping baby, I miss how that was a comfort. Now that she is 7 months old its easier but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at her and wonder. "Is she breathing?" She has taken to sleeping on her stomach, no matter how hard I try to keep her on her back, on her her side.. none of it works. I find myself unable to sleep at night because shes on her stomach. It takes every bit of will power that I have to close my eyes and find sleep again. It isn't like it was in the beginning. I don't wake up in a cold sweat with the knowledge she is dead anymore but there is always that moment when I wake up that I immediately go to her back and if I don't immediately see a movement, I touch her, I move her, anything for a response before I am able to relax again. </div>
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It isn't every single time, there are some wake ups that I look at her and push down those fears and just fall back asleep. Sometimes I just look to make sure she is in a safe position and fall back asleep. Some nights are worse than others. It is just the road that I am on now. Amanda keeps me busy, she brings me immense joy, she is healing and she is also terrifying. I imagine that as she gets closer to Megan's age the fears and desperation will get worse but for now I will take these better wakening, these times where I can take a breath and relax.</div>
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There are so many things that worry me and without a answer to Megan's death it just jumbles in my head. I'm being very selective and delaying immunizations for Amanda. She received hib, pcv and I think that is all she is going to get at least for awhile. </div>
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February 9, 2010 Megan received her MMR. March 9, 2010 she received her DPAT. A 'side effect' of DPAT is SIDS. So many things were just wrong. She shouldn't have been given a vaccination so close to being as sick as she had been. A week prior she had double ear infections, and possible pneumonia. That initial autopsy, where the coroner called me after she performed it, she said she had cloudy fluid around her heart and her brain was slightly enlarged. The cloudy fluid around her heart was never mentioned in the final autopsy report. I don't know why and have been wondering about it in the last few weeks. I have to do what feels right to me, thankfully everyone has been supportive. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixPgJ9RWT5JIFZz3lTbHclhVWD5JMv7f1ODdA3MOSq3pycAQz-zGksMYNIakXWlBKoXH4dQQ2orzUqonAadsrXiIXVyJJ9Y3GsBxYtBBldRKNPbXJzDdcQlPlI2XiZReqHHM09gW6sS2Q/s1600/DSCN3819.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" mea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixPgJ9RWT5JIFZz3lTbHclhVWD5JMv7f1ODdA3MOSq3pycAQz-zGksMYNIakXWlBKoXH4dQQ2orzUqonAadsrXiIXVyJJ9Y3GsBxYtBBldRKNPbXJzDdcQlPlI2XiZReqHHM09gW6sS2Q/s400/DSCN3819.JPG" width="400" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSjyXTwY9yqvgwE5Bvi6bCV-dvNbqag8_eNLbCaKkPMYRribAJpotYl25rFFQKcLzwxINDW18diqbcT4kn5OWGKXoDQSbLeGLRY4pbs6dObOve98pbkY1QvKfYBQw_9jb9080_wKOQBA0/s1600/DSCN3927.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" mea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSjyXTwY9yqvgwE5Bvi6bCV-dvNbqag8_eNLbCaKkPMYRribAJpotYl25rFFQKcLzwxINDW18diqbcT4kn5OWGKXoDQSbLeGLRY4pbs6dObOve98pbkY1QvKfYBQw_9jb9080_wKOQBA0/s400/DSCN3927.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-87109203354346837312012-04-03T08:42:00.000-07:002012-04-03T08:42:18.808-07:00Heartbreak close to homeI recently just found out about a mother whose son and husband drowned. Even though I have had the unimaginable happen to me, when I hear of these things... especially things so close to home I can't stop but want to scream. "Why?!" Its like I can't actually believe that these things still happen to people that we truly are not invincible.<br />
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So very sad, such heartbreak. That early raw grief. <br />
It was her birthday, her husband took their son out on the canoe to give Julie a break, some time to herself. They didn't come back. <br />
<a href="http://sheldonandjulieo.blogspot.com/">Sheldon and Julie's blog</a><br />
<a href="http://www.komonews.com/news/local/143100246.html">News article</a>Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-41687253920857144242012-03-05T09:55:00.001-08:002012-03-05T09:57:55.934-08:00yupThats all. Think I should just keep this simple. I miss my daughter. I miss my friends. I miss what should have been. Hate feeling so alone.Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-52643053281754985952012-03-03T22:01:00.000-08:002012-03-03T22:01:16.829-08:00Never Simple AgainNot only have we lost our children, not only do we get to spend a life time with our grief and what ifs, we also have all lost our innocence.<br />
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For awhile I started thinking that children past 18 months don't live. I waited every day for the call that something happened to my nephew. Every time I see a child that should be her age now I just think, "how did this happen, how did these children grow?" I am saddened that I don't get to experience any more life with Megan. It still doesn't always feel real. <br />
A friend of mine that lost her son, recently wrote and told me the older her daughter is getting the more its freaking her out. I can totally understand that. There is going to be this bridge we have to get over. That magical age that our other children didn't pass. While I spend many moments obsessively worrying over Amanda its gotten much better as the months go by. I have a feeling though that closer to 1 year I will start living like every day may be her last. I don't think its something I will be able to stop.<br />
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I want my innocence back. I want to be able to look at Amanda and look away. <br />
I can't. I look at her, then I look at her chest. I look for the rise and the fall and the rise and the fall. Then I look again to make sure it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me. It isn't simple. It isn't a quick glance. I am always remembering looking up from where I was sitting and seeing Megan. Seeing that her back was not rising and falling. Knowing that I turned away and told myself to stop being paranoid, then looking again and again not seeing the rise and fall. Its something I never want to see again.<br />
I like it when she has her pacifier in her mouth because its easier to just move the pacifier and if she starts sucking... well I know she's alive then. <br />
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I bought something for her today that is 12 months. I kept seeing all of these 18 months old clothes today and I just can't do it. I can't really envision her at Megan's age. I don't know if I want to. I think that January/February/March 2013 is going to be extremely hard on me. <br />
It also means she will no longer be able to wear Megan's clothes. She will have surpassed her sister in everything. Right now I can still compare. All moms compare their children even though you really aren't supposed to. Both Megan and Emily were late sitters. They would just not sit still to sit. Amanda is already sitting better than they did at 5 months. The emotions sometimes are just so unforgiving. I just want to scream and there is just no point in it anymore. <br />
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I thought I wouldn't want to share Megan's clothes with Amanda but I have found that to be completely opposite. I simply cannot wait to put Amanda in Megan's clothes. I love it. Then I feel guilty because there should be things off limits. Special things that I keep protected and safe and in memory. I feel so guilty for wanting her to wear these things, whether Megan wore them or not (because there a a lot of things I had that were older or brand new). I read on another friends blog that its ok. Sisters share clothes. <br />
How true is that? How comforting is that?! Sisters share clothes. It is ok. <br />
I do still feel like certain things should be off limits so I'm not sure how I will work this out. Luckily I only have a few things that are Amanda's size right now. One of them is a onesie. Thing 2. That I cannot put on her. She is not Thing 2. She is Thing 3. Do they even make that as a shirt lol?<br />
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I envy my friends that are able to be calm during a cold. A simple cold. Nothing is simple in my mind anymore. A cold can be a warning sign, is she this? Is she that? What about this? What about that? It isn't simple. There are times where my mind is screaming, and I just repeat to myself. She is ok, it is a simple cold. She is ok. Megan had colds. Megan had so many colds at the end. Megan had so many fevers at the end. OMG Megan died and now Amanda has a fever. OMG Amanda has a cold. <br />
Its a battle that I know I'm not going to win.<br />
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Someone asked me if I felt like she was going to have something happen to her like I did with Megan. I don't. I really don't but that doesn't alleviate my fears or anxiety at all. This is my reality. This is my normal. Nothing is simple. <br />
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These are things that go on in the back of your mind. Its just like the grief, were still functioning, still even somewhat enjoying life but my worries and fears are multiplied and I'm always pushing them down and away. <br />
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My girls are sisters. I have 3 girls. I am not looking forward to the 10th of this month. Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-33436649580611781342012-02-23T20:10:00.000-08:002012-02-23T20:10:16.710-08:00A little bit of everythingIts almost 2 years now. 2 years since I've held my baby girl in my arms. I'm so so so thankful that the memories of that day has faded. I'm sure having Amanda helps with that, keeping me busy and my mind off things. It doesn't stop the fear of seeing Amanda sleeping so soundly. I fight the screams that want to claw out of my throat every time I see her so lifeless.<br />
It has gotten better. I do see her as staying around now. I mentioned that I am starting to buy clothes that are a little bigger than her, its true. Yet its also true that I will only buy one size bigger, I haven't progressed that much. I saw the cutest 12 month dress at the GoodWill and just couldn't do it. Even if it was only $1.99. <br />
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I can't remember the last time I went to bed hoping I didn't wake up and I know that has to do with Amanda. Babies are so demanding lol, she keeps me busy and more importantly she brings back some of that simple joy. Emily, oh Emily is just 7 going on 18. She is so fun, so smart, she comes up with these crazy awesome art projects all the time. Then she turns around and has a tantrum worthy of a 3 year old. Comes with the territory I suppose. Talking with my friends seems to be a age/phase thing, which makes me feel so so much better. <br />
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Sometimes I just stare at her. She is so pretty and has this smile that lights up a room. <br />
It is so unfair that Megan is gone. Everyone knows how unfair it is to lose a child. Every parents worst nightmare. Children are not supposed to die before you. <br />
Yet she did. She died and we miss her. We miss her so much. Emily has been talking about her a lot and in some ways I find myself getting annoyed with her. She makes up memories. I want to fix her but she is the only one I can count on to mention her all the time. It doesn't seem right to tell her no Em your memories are so wrong. She was just 5. I try and give her other memories when she is making them up. I wish I could just make all the pain better for her.<br />
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We recently signed up for a contest. We had to write in 100 words or less why I thought we deserved to win. That was the hardest thing ever to do. Why would we deserve it more than anyone else? Everybody goes through hardships and I don't think we deserve to win more than anyone else. Not that I wouldn't be excited beyond excited if we win. Emily would be so happy. She has never been to the Great Wolf Lodge, and it seems like all of her friends have. In a 7 year olds mind. You remember don't you? Your world view is so small and innocent when you are a child. I will be over the moon if we win. I can only imagine the excitement of going down her first water slide and Mom will be right next to her. Oh yea. Last year I was so bummed that I was pregnant because I couldn't take her on the big kids rides and she was finally big enough for them. Shes just like me, I know she will love it. Dad...... not really a flip me around, upside down kind of thrill seeker. <br />
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Dad and Emily and Amanda have both been sick. I have skated by thanking my lucky stars, assuming I was skating by because of my daily apple consumption. You know, "A apple a day keeps the doctor away" adage. Dad is sick with a 3 week long sinus infection, baby is sick with a congestion, fussy kind of thing. Emily had the sinus infection and then got nailed with 2 stomach viruses back to back. Finally my immune system said, "NO more." Sick. The stomach. Oh so very miserable and its so unfair how mommy's don't get to give up on the world and have no responsibility's like everyone else when they are sick. Oh well, whats a mom to do? Suck it up and carry on :)<br />
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I also wanted to mention that if you wanted to ask a question an did not get the chance, go ahead and head down to that blog post and ask it. Once I have a couple more, I will make a new answer thread. :) <br />
Amanda was baptized on her 5 month (birthday) lol. She did great :) She wore the gown her sister Emily wore. The gown was also worn by her grandpa and his two sisters. Very old, very beautiful, so glad that my children shared a part in wearing it. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTDIdmBXZlpNZrf03r73nqfW8G9Y4C-1S6hnkstDZ_VV5ZBmT_m248Yh2VrBeqGzDNOD6gtle26zbc50tSBKotIIqaObkuF2ORLOpIfTqzUHw4BYX2iHgcioaSiCsRHzNLaXK-lMGr4Xs/s1600/DSCN3616.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" lda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTDIdmBXZlpNZrf03r73nqfW8G9Y4C-1S6hnkstDZ_VV5ZBmT_m248Yh2VrBeqGzDNOD6gtle26zbc50tSBKotIIqaObkuF2ORLOpIfTqzUHw4BYX2iHgcioaSiCsRHzNLaXK-lMGr4Xs/s400/DSCN3616.JPG" width="345" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Like a typical 5 month old. Everything goes to the mouth. She loves chewing on apple slices and carrots and peas.</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinx676wVxd94uw6xzEbcadXeShoUPd29-TRdtqg6Wf9TwdFMj0TMDi4mc4vO6RnEK0OVsYdN3WG2MEjSMj8cS5t7qZZtbSkNUddUBB_ZTyPSPDbRDq5fZorAC39CBq8QOiw4xAqCpgCFI/s1600/DSCN3692.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" lda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinx676wVxd94uw6xzEbcadXeShoUPd29-TRdtqg6Wf9TwdFMj0TMDi4mc4vO6RnEK0OVsYdN3WG2MEjSMj8cS5t7qZZtbSkNUddUBB_ZTyPSPDbRDq5fZorAC39CBq8QOiw4xAqCpgCFI/s400/DSCN3692.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">Emily getting ready to hop into the pool</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbaJFiMuwKvA1uaW5bGAl3GekVS3VbdmkfRLpIxhuG6X7QaqxHZ2aKd5JwsYmKYwmNviMZMxeefjB_sggto3ZoSXlK41YlSwy8_vmc-JmfGt1m7S2ANJUYGSJdta0qy1EHnkitKzDglY0/s1600/DSCN3670.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" lda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbaJFiMuwKvA1uaW5bGAl3GekVS3VbdmkfRLpIxhuG6X7QaqxHZ2aKd5JwsYmKYwmNviMZMxeefjB_sggto3ZoSXlK41YlSwy8_vmc-JmfGt1m7S2ANJUYGSJdta0qy1EHnkitKzDglY0/s400/DSCN3670.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> Sweet baby girl Megan. How I miss you so so much. That smile of yours, that laugh.. It just hurts so much with you gone. I love you and miss you. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWsOXLdBXPlgkMmoTZ9teB0SrEWvq8TuFkUSTPOko8Ldeayc5fgFy3M_YTkXox2BsiJz32UbPECOfjslANYYWC60i6CL_vJAS_thyphenhyphenNLQnep5T4KkbgROcNONu3Gx4F5LBA5da3QBB2Ius/s1600/DSCN1599.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" lda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWsOXLdBXPlgkMmoTZ9teB0SrEWvq8TuFkUSTPOko8Ldeayc5fgFy3M_YTkXox2BsiJz32UbPECOfjslANYYWC60i6CL_vJAS_thyphenhyphenNLQnep5T4KkbgROcNONu3Gx4F5LBA5da3QBB2Ius/s320/DSCN1599.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-42517603414078431922012-02-18T09:52:00.000-08:002012-02-18T09:52:40.073-08:00AnswersSorry its taken me so long to back here, for a few days I was locked out of blogger and then just didn't have the time :)<br />
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From <a href="http://susansobspot.blogspot.com/">Susan</a><br />
<strong>How do you think Megan's death will affect Amanda (if at all, that is)?</strong><br />
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I'm not really sure, I really hope she never thinks of herself as having to take Megan's place. I hope that she will be able to look at pictures and know that is her sister. Its so hard since she will never know her except through pictures and our words. I want her to know about her sister and I will talk about her. I have a baby photo album already that has pictures of her sisters for her. <br />
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From Anonymous<br />
<strong>What will you do to help Amanda "get to know" Megan? What will you tell her about Megan? Also, do you want more children?</strong><br />
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I will just show her pictures and talk about her. I will tell her that she had a sister that died before she was born. I will tell her whatever I remember at that point in the conversation. Maybe It will be about how she loved to smile, how she liked to do the politician/beauty pageant wave, how she hated things on her feet. She won't be something I keep hidden away from her. <br />
We don't want any more children. We were done with Megan, we knew we always wanted two, but I had such a difficult time accepting the permanent nature of a vasectomy that I just couldn't let him do it. Thankfully it made it so we were able to have Amanda easily. I had two miscarriages after Megan died and my pregnancy with Amanda wasn't hard but it wasn't as easy as the other two were. I just feel done, even if something were to happen now. <br />
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From Marisa<br />
<strong>Was it a hard decision for you to have another child after Megan's death? Did the stress make it harder for you to get pregnant right away?</strong><br />
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It took me I think 2 months to decide that I wanted another baby and I wanted one sooner rather than later. I was lucky enough to conceive right away but I ended up miscarrying twice. I had never experienced something like that so when I got pregnant with Amanda it was even more scary for me. I spent the entire pregnancy worrying, was never really able to relax. Its hard to make the decision to have another because you don't want them to be a replacement. Nothing can replace those we lost, but there is always room in your heart to love another child and they bring so much so joy and happiness. I was healing before Amanda was born, but after she was born I noticed that I stopped wishing that I could just die in my sleep. Wasn't something that happened a lot but its something I recently noticed I don't think about when I lay down anymore. The emotions and fears of having Amanda were so strong, I did kind of keep her at arms length for a few weeks because I just couldn't believe she would stay with us. She is 5 months old and I'm just now buying her clothes that are to big for her; whereas I was only buying stuff that would fit her in the present. Sounds sort of silly but for me its a large concession in the belief that hey she might actually stick around.Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-732774325516406842.post-9056827062898091812012-02-01T21:18:00.000-08:002012-02-01T21:18:30.088-08:00Lisa's HawaiianMy friend Lisa is having a give-away on her page. Come on over and check her out and "like" her on facebook for a chance to win. She does beautiful work and is one of the sweetest ladies I know :)<br />
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It's time for a GIVE-A-WAY again!! Time starts now, ends tomorrow (Thurs) night at 10pm. 3 winners names will be posted & receive an Island Keeper jar & photo. IK jars are described & photographed on my blog. Just click "Like" here & please leave a little note if you'd like. I love hearing from you ~ Lisa<br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Lisas-Hawaiian/196146250410722">FACEBOOK</a> PAGE<br />
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<a href="http://lisashawaiiannames.blogspot.com/2012/02/give-way-for-3-winners-starts-feb1-feb.html">http://lisashawaiiannames.blogspot.com/2012/02/give-way-for-3-winners-starts-feb1-feb.html</a>Jennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13964282196898709053noreply@blogger.com0