Friday, August 7, 2009

I am a terrible blogger

I really am, Im constantly forgetting that I'm supposed to be doing this! Things are going ok in our little world. Megan is in that you shall never put me down stage or I'll cry and drive you to insanity. I'm not really enjoying it at the moment. Emily has totally stepped up and been my little helper, she has just been wonderful lately, I'm so proud of her!
Since we have the big exciting kindergarten coming up, we've been talking about bedtimes. I've been awful about bedtimes I really have so we are going to buckle down and 'get er done'. I want to get the baby in a bedtime schedule as well which means I need to get a crib, enough with the sleeping with me all night. I swear it makes her want to nurse more having me close. With her in this little stage of hers nursing constantly seems to be another aspect of it.
11 months old and this kid can finally sit up, even puts herself in a sitting position, I was seriously starting to worry that I would end up with this kid that refused to sit.

I was doing so great at keeping the house clean, we are back home so the family can stop by anytime they want, it has to be presentable. Yet, i've found myself letting things go here and there, dads gone why bother kind of attitude and I really want to get myself out of it. Things are so much calmer when the house is clean, it puts everyone in better moods. I still have laundry from when he was here 2 weeks ago that needs to be put away. I think mentally though once i put it away I know that's it for a year unless I decide to pull out some of his clothes once in awhile to throw in the wash. But who does that, add clean clothes to the dirty laundry, hello that's more work!

I'm also really wanting to put us all on a schedule, last deployment I became an insufferable insomniac and I'm bound and determined to keep that under control this time. I want to be one of those woman that gets up, cleans, showers and gets ready for the day early in the morning even if there is nothing going on. I've heard its great for the soul, makes you feel better about yourselves and its true, when you get up early and get ready you have more energy. So that's the plan, whether or not I follow through is another blog.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Things change so quickly

Here it is 4am and I'm wide awake with tears streaming down my face. Both of my girls are asleep, content with all in the world. No real idea what this year wll have in store for us. Michael has left for deployment number 2.

I spent the entire night watching him breathe, knowing it was the last time for a long time that I'd get to cuddle with him. Running my fingers through his hair, just touching him as much as I could. Barely closing my eyes because I just couldn't miss a second, hoping just maybe that if I didn't close my eyes this perfect day would never end. It was a perfect day, full of hugs and laughter.

It is so unbelievably hard to comprehend that yet again he will miss everything. There will be no first tooth from Megan, no walking Emily to her first day of kindergarten, no watching Megan take her first steps. They grow so fast and its just heartbreaking to know that he has to miss it all. Sure I can take pictures, I can email but its not the same. It will never be the same, you can never get those moments back.

I am lucky that this time I'm close to family, means I won't be able to hermitize myself to much. This is my best friend, my confidante, my hero, my love and I can't imagine how tough this year will be. Already the well intentioned " I don't know how you can do this" comments have started. You do it because you have to do it. What are my options? I don't have options, I do it because it must be done, because its the cards we have been dealt.

My best friend, we've been through so much together. 13 years. We got together so young and we've never looked back, who will i talk to now? Who is going to step in and take over when I need a break. Its going to be a lonely year, because even though we will be able to talk some, you can't talk about downers, you can't talk about things that have gone wrong because what they do over there? Nothing, it'll just make them feel worse so you keep it, you cry to your girlfriends and you shout and scream in to your pillow hoping your children don't hear you and ask whats wrong.

How do you make sure that a 10 month old isn't going to forget her father? This isn't going to be like it was last time, last time the kid was older and could look at pictures and understood but didn't understand at the same time of what was going on. This time, this time I have to hear the heartbreaking sobs from a 5 year old because she doesn't remember waking up and telling dad bye. This time I have to experience every single one of Megan's majors firsts all by myself. I have to think of ways to tell Michael about them that won't make him to upset. How do you make sure a 10 month old doesn't forget?

I don't want him to go...