Thursday, January 27, 2011


I have this picture on my phone right now.  Every single time I open my phone this is what I see.
I see a beautiful little girl who takes my breath away.  I see a beautiful little smile that lights up a room.  I see a child so full of life and love.  Can't you see the joy in her eyes?  Why?  How did she become this?

So full of joy, so full of happiness to nothing.  Death.  My child is dead.

You can say its not fair over and over.   You can scream and cry and nothing matters.  Nothing changes.  My brown eyed girl is gone forever.  My child who was so full of life, so full of happiness.  My heart bursts with pride every time I think of her. She was perfect and I'm pissed that shes gone.  I'm so angry.  I'm so tired of people telling me I should talk to a grief counselor.  I should do this, I should do that.  I should be more optimistic.  You can't ever imagine the pain I am in.  I talked with my grandmother today about her 46 year old daughter who died probably 10 years ago.  She couldn't talk about her, immediately teared up and said I just can't.   It doesn't get easier.   Not the missing them, not the pain, nothing.  Full of life and happiness and joy to cold concrete slab. 

You think about your kids growing up so fast, blink your eyes and they are just gone.   I blinked my eyes ...........and she really is gone just like that.  In just one moment, gone forever.

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,

but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

–Author Unknown

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I have been there.

I have been the person who reads about another persons misfortune.  Wondering how I would handle such a thing.  If my child died, I could not go on, I would surely die.  How could you not die when your child dies?  How could you possibly want to go on living?  You think about it for a few minutes, you may shed a tear or two.  Then  you grab your children close and hug them tightly.  You kiss their heads softly and you tell them you love them so much.  

Then you might go on to  think, hmm maybe "they" missed something, maybe "they" did something.  Maybe "they" missed a vital clue, "they" weren't vigilant enough.   Maybe it was karma.  These things don't happen to good people... not really.  Bad things, like my child dying won't ever happen to me.  I'm a good mom.

I have been there, I said those same things. You know in your heart that things happen, that nobody is invincible but you can never really understand until something this devastating has happened to you.

People that have read or know my story.. know that I always thought something was wrong.  So many doctor appointments and every single one nothing was wrong.  All in my head; overprotective mom.  Lingering fears that you have to push away because you can't live your life in fear of what might happen.  Besides frequent fevers and cold after cold with the occasional ear infection nothing was out of the ordinary. Nothing that said "hey your kid is going to die on March 10, 2010".  She had a sister in kindergarten, she went to the daycare at the gym, she was exposed to germs.  Common colds were to be expected.  Maybe I didn't try hard enough, but how do you fight something you don't know is there.  A feeling that something isn't right but yet your child is growing and thriving and is the happiest little being you have ever met. 

I've been there.  I know what its like to read someone elses words, someone elses pain, to be on the outside looking in.  I would give anything to be that person again.  I know that it doesn't matter what I did right, she still died.  What was the point to keep her safe by extended rear facing or extended breastfeeding, or cosleeping.   She still died alone, all alone. She still died.  I don't want to be this person, the one that you are now reading about.  Reading my pain and anguish and knowing that at any time you can get up, wipe your tears and pick up your little ones and kiss their heads.  

You get to walk away from the pain and the suffering and the guilt.  The guilt, because no self respecting parent could ever not have guilt.  I like to think that I did everything right, that she was well cared for, well loved.  Yet, she died.... on my watch.  In my care, she died.  I had to have done something right? How do you forgive yourself for something you have no idea what you did.  All I did was love her with all my heart, but it wasn't enough to keep her here.   Why that day?  That moment?  Why the dream?  Why the fears? Why why why? I never get answers, all these unanswered questions just fester inside of me till I feel like I might burst. 

I have been there and I am glad that you are here reading my words, sharing in my pain.  I am glad that some of you do not know this pain.  I am glad that my words reach out to some of you and help you make different choices. 
I have nothing else but my words to share.  I so often think that maybe nobody wants to hear my input on their children's lives, my opinions on certain things because my child died.  Its always there.  I catch your looks and I wonder if its sympathy or do you just not want me to close.  Its not catchy.

I miss her so much that I can't bear it tonight.  The tears are streaming and I am a blubbering mess.  I miss her, everything about her and I wish I could bring myself to start writing down her memories so that I don't forget.  I just can't bring myself to do it.  I can't bring myself to print out pictures, I can't bring myself to get pictures just for Emily to have.  Its getting so close to the year mark.  I miss her and that smile and that laugh.  How she would run to me and throw herself into my arms.  My little cuddle bug.

I have been there and I am living it now.  You go on because you will.  I've quit many things in my life but quitting life isn't an option.  I am not whole, I will never be whole again, a part of me died when she died.  A part of me will always be dead but theres a part of me that still wants happiness and joy.  I still laugh and smile, and I can still cry at the drop of a hat.  She will never be forgotten I know this and because of this and my family and my friends I go on.  There isn't a choice.  You go on.  Does it hurt? Oh gosh it hurts so much, but some days, some times it isn't so hard.  You put one foot in front of the other.  You cry when you need to, you scream when you need to.  You do go on and you will find peace again.  You will never be the same.  Not now... Not when you know that good things do happen to good people. 

Monday, January 3, 2011

300 days

I know I should probably get rid of my countdown but that would require getting rid of my old phone and that is just not going to happen.  I plug it in once a month and see where we are date wise and today was day 300.  Kind of snuck up on me even though I know March 10 is just around the corner.

I have so many emotions, they are different than when I first wrote 139 days I have one that is not finished for a 100 days.  They are different, as in that I don't feel that same pain but that the pain has dulled some.  200 days just made me smile because I see I started that one out exactly the same as this one.  Unfortunately I'm not at a place where I want to reread what I  have written yet.

This journey I have been on has led me down some really twisted roads.  I'm not always sure where I'm headed but I know no matter which way I turn I have someone.  Someone is there to listen to me, finding the Baby Loss Community is more than I could have ever hoped for.  So many woman out there going through exactly what I'm going through.  They understand.  Friends and family are there of course and always will be... they are my rocks... but sometimes its easier to talk people that have been there. 

Its like the farther out I get the worse the memories of that day are. I have a couple pictures of her sleeping that remind me so vividly of finding her. So many regrets, so many signs i ignored. I had a nagging feeling that I should check on her but i ignored it because i knew shed 'wake' up and her nap was already going to be cut super short. Sister had early release that day and wed have to go to the school to  pick her up.

 I was in the room with her, putting clothes away, talking to her, and she was already gone.  I was so happy full of joy... thinking about Michael coming home soon. I was laughing because of how tired she was, and then when i realized. As soon as I held her, touched her and she was so floppy, I just knew.

I sleep where her mouth took its last breaths.

I'm haunted by these memories lately. Holding her in my arms. I remember thinking we should take pictures of her but I couldn't even look down at her face to face. I couldn't look my at my own child in the face though I wanted to memorize everything about her one last time. I held her close and that was all I could do. It was like she was sleeping on me and thats all i saw just her eyes closed. Her body slowly losing warmth. Her lips... blue. They were the reason I could not look at her face. Those blue lips so unnatural.  What am I saying? Its unnatural no matter how you look at it, having a child die. 

I want to do so much to honor her and spread awareness about sudc but I don't know what to do. Nobody around me seems to understand how important it is to me to do something, and I am not a go getter. Plus I don't know who to talk to about it. I am not organized, I do not know what to do, I feel so utterly lost in this.  I'm not creative, I'm not much of anything anymore.

The pain definitely comes in waves. Missing Megan never stops but I feel like I'm writing the same thing over and over. The pain does get easier but now it seems that I am alone with my memories. That my friends and family are tired of hearing about her. I know its not true but people don't share their memories of her with me anymore.  Maybe they are worried I will cry but I would rather hear memories, know that you still care and love her than your silence.  For that I will always shed tears.  I  mention her as much as I can, things she did and etc. Lately when I'm sad, when I'm crying, i try to keep that to myself now. I often picture the penguins from Madagascar.  "Smile and nod, smile and nod".

I don't get any new pictures of Megan.  Well maybe I do if family/friends go through pictures and send me whatever they might have (hint hint).    I don't get any more firsts with her.  I don't get to see her grow up.  When I visit her grave I don't get a calm relaxed feeling.  I don't enjoy it, I have no peace at all doing it.  I get angry, I get upset because her stone is dirty.  I get upset because she is dead and buried under a stone.  I get upset because I don't go see her enough.... but it hurts. It isn't somewhere I feel close to her, its not her there. 

In my quest for knowledge I've forced myself to watch Dr. G the Medical Examiner any time she does a autopsy on a child.  Can you even imagine what its like? Knowing that someone did this to your child, its hard.  Its hard to breathe when I watch.  I keep it clinical but its still a terrible thing to learn.  
I rarely dream of Megan and I keep remembering the dream I had that Monday.  Two days before she died.  In my dream it was prophetic I guess,  something was wrong and it was all my fault was the gist of the dream.  It was a dream that had me in full fear the moment I woke up.  I  immediately wrote to a friend and told her about it.  It was one of those dreams that lingered, kept creeping back into my thoughts.  It was just a dream, wasn't it?

Not having an answer is like rubbing salt on a open wound.  They think by slapping a diagnosis on her death certificate fixes everything but how can it when its just a  band aid? Why don't they call it natural causes? Why does nobody know about SUDC?  Why couldn't there have been a reason?  How are you supposed to heal when there are no answers?
What If you don't want to heal anymore?  What if you want all the pain and the suffering you felt in the beginning?  When I'm a sobbing crying mess, why do people ask me whats wrong? They used to just know.  Time is turning into the enemy.  My life will never be the same because of losing her..

I am not alone but there will always be moments where I feel it.  There will always be moments where I will think nobody in the world has it worse than me.   Moments where I think no one will possibly ever understand my grief even if you have been there.
I am strong and I am kind and I am a good mother.  I love my children with every beat of my heart.  I love my family and I know that moving forward means putting certain things away, not dwelling on the past so to speak.  It doesn't mean I have to forget she existed, not that its possible but there will come a time when I won't say Megan did this, Megan did that.  There will come a time that I will think before I speak.  There will come a time that when that moment comes up I won't even think to say Megan did this or that.    Its true, I already see it happening as horrifying and sad as it sounds.  You lose them slowly, the memories fade.  I'm hoping one day when I look back I'm no longer haunted and only remember the good things.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

For my fellow BLM.

I wanted to share different places that I have come across that do special things for our little angels.  Many of these places I got from my friend Tiffany through her blog.

First is Micahs Gift.   This is a mama who lost her little one and then one day wrote his name on a blade of grass. In her words, she could watch Micah grow on this blade of grass even though she can't actually watch Micah grow. When she saw how comforting it was to her, she started taking requests and now has quite a garden of names. I imagine it is quite a sight to behold.

The next one I would like to share is Molly bears.  This mama lost her sweet angel at 34 weeks.  She was given a weighted teddy bear and it gave her an idea to make her own teddy bear the same weight as her child.  When she realized how comforting it was to have something to hold onto that is the same weight as her little angel, something tangible she could hold, molly bears was born.  This mama takes requests for bears for angel mommies.  She does this all for free, she completely works off donations.  I have not received my molly bear yet but we have emailed about it because I was unsure if she would be able to make me a molly bear that weighed 20lbs.  She told it would not be a problem so onto the waiting list I went.

Another one I would like share is Heaven's Doves another mama who has multiple miscarriages and really wanted some way to remember them.  She always thought of them as birds flying high in the sky, so she chose doves,  because they reminded her so much of her sweet angels.  

To write their name in the sand.  To make a request for them to write your child's name is completely free, but if you want the picture without the water mark it will cost.  I had Megan's name done and a friend purchased the picture for me.  Its beautiful, I want to cry when I see all these names of all these angels though.  Beautiful.

I have many pictures of Megan's name in the sand from friends who write her name all over.  One of these days I will try and share them all.  It is so sad that this is all we have left, we find these little ways to memorialize our children, to keep their names alive.  It shouldn't be this way though, we should have them in our arms.  I miss her so much, I miss everything about her.

A friend of mine who has been a wonderful person to talk with and Im so grateful that we were able to meet up and share stories, she bought me this beautiful rock with Megan's name on it.  I adore it.  Treasure Beans is another mama who suffered loss and wanted to reach out and do what she could to help others in her same position.  She designs these pretty little stones and then will take pictures among pretty backgrounds.  Very special. 

I have more to share but I will have to finish this another day. 

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011 is here

Its here, it is no longer 2010 and well to tell you the truth it feels no different than it did yesterday.  Its just a day, an annoying one because It will take me months before I remember to write 2011 instead of 2010. 
I'm hoping this year is better than 2010, but in spite of what happened to us, I find myself wondering if it really was that bad of a year.  Yes my daughter died, yes I miscarried, yes we have had lots of family issues that make us just shake our head and say is this year ever going to be over. 
 2010 will always be a hated year, its the year I lost my sweet precious little girl to SUDC.  Its also a year that I found out so much about myself, about my strength, about my family.  Its a year that so many people came together to support me, to give me things in memory of my daughter.  The support has been amazing.  I hate that 2010 was the year my daughter left me, but like today its just a day.  It feels no different than yesterday the pain doesn't magically dissipate and my heart isn't overjoyed with the thought that this year will be better.  Everyone has told us that its time for us to have some luck for things to start going right, but it just hasn't happened.  At least it doesn't feel that way.
Ive been promising to write for days, I have drafts saved that I just don't want to share.  I'm feeling closed off and its probably not a good place.  Hopefully Ill be able to share more of my thoughts and feelings soon.  Until then, I'm doing ok :)