Tuesday, July 27, 2010

one hundred thirty nine days

Every day I want to write but I find myself falling into a rut and I can't get the words out. Today marks 139 days. One hundred thirty nine days since I last saw my little girl. Since I hugged and I kissed her. Some days I don't understand how I will ever find joy again. I wake up every day just wishing I could turn over and find her laying there, smiling and ready to start our day. She will be turning two soon but thats a lie since she will forever be 18 months old. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle her birthday. Will I celebrate her life and the happiness she gave me or will I do nothing but cry all day.

When a child dies a part of you dies with them. Its a completely different reality that we have to face, as members of a group we never wanted to be a part of. We will never see our children again in this lifetime. There will be no watching them breathe, laugh, smile, enjoying life. We will never again hear their sweet voices say I love you. As a parent you are always trying to fix things, to make things better. I cannot fix this, I am helpless, I feel like I have no control. The guilt is so overwhelming sometimes. Every day I try and remember something. I do not want to forget a single second of her life. As time passes though, we will forget. Can you imagine what that fear is like. How horrifying it feels to know that they are slipping away, that those memories you hold dear will at some time become just memories, some of them forgotten. You want to hold on to everything but
its not going to work. My child died, she is gone forever. I will never again in this world see her. Day after day, month after month time is slipping by and she going farther and farther away.

A part of you dies when they die. Its a part of your soul that just no longer exists. Its scary, its empty and its lonely. With no warning a part of you is just gone. No one truly understands, there are no magical words you can say to someone grieving. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for emptiness you must feel, the undescribable pain you must be in, I'm sorry that I do not have the words that will fix this. I'm sorry is all you can say. "I don't know how you go on, I could never do it" I hear that so often and its a comment that I'd like to slap you for. Don't you think I one time said the same thing? Do you really think that I was chosen to have this loss because I alone could handle it? I want to die sometimes because theh grief is so hard. I know that if I don't embrace the grief though I will never heal. If i turn away from my grief and push onward it will kill what is left of me. I may feel like a shell of a person sometimes but I am still me, I am still here. Waking up everyday is a acomplisment because it is hard but I do it for me. There are people who need me and for whatever reason I feel the need to reach out other to other moms who are going through this pain. If i can help one person with my words, If I can reach one person and make them understand that you can go on. That it will never be easy but you can go on and that you will feel joy again then I can close my eyes at night and have some peace in my heart.

1 comment:

Stacey said...

Jenny, you are amazing. Thank you for being able to put your feelings into words. I struggle so much with that right now. i simply cannot even explain the pain and emptiness I feel. I am so glad to have you in my life. We will get through this, and we will be able to live a happy life...I have to believe good things are coming in our future and we deserve to enjoy them to the fullest.