Monday, July 12, 2010

Not sure what to write here

I cannot stop thinking about you tonight. My arms ache to hold you again. My heart hurts and I can't catch my breath. It isn't fair. It isn't fair. I never get to hear you say mama again, i never get to have one of your kisses again, i never get to see your smiling face again. Not in this lifetime. It isn't fair. It wasn't long enough. I didn't know, I'm so sorry baby. I should've done better. What I wouldn't give to go back, to hold you for that nap. I have spent four months without you. FOUR MONTHS and it feels like forever. I have never known pain like this, nobody should ever know this pain. I want to honor your memory, honor you but tonight I cannot stop crying. My grief is overwhelming and you are gone. I don't know what to do or what to say I am so lost without you. These things happen, thats what people say. They shouldn't. Like its comforting or something. Its like telling someone who miscarriages that her baby must have had something wrong with it. THEY shouldn't happen. They shouldn't tell me there are no answer as to why. I go back and forth in the research and I'm making myself crazy. I cannot let it go, she was my baby. My sweet wonderful always happy and such a complete and utter joy baby. Oh Megan I miss you so much, I miss the crying all day every day. Now when I cry people ask me whats wrong. Whats wrong is this is all wrong. Your beautiful smile, I miss seeing it. I wish I'd dream of you. You should be 22 months old, but you will never grow. Your sister asked if you would grow in the dirt, get bigger and bigger. You made me a better person. You made me laugh every day, you made me smile all the time. You are so special, and I love you so much. I know you are with God. I know you are safe and hopefully happy. I know one day we will be together but it doesn't help with the now. I carried you for nine months inside me. My already perfect baby who slept when i slept so unlike other children. OH Megan it wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I wanted to see you grow up, I wanted to see you with hair, see if you kept those brown eyes. I hoped for so much. You still make me a better person. I reach out others and I help them. Even If i can't always help myself. I just don't know what to do, you needed me so much and now nobody needs me like that. I just want to disappear sometimes. Oh Megan when I close my eyes I can almost remmber what it was like to kiss your head and how you'd giggle and give me hugs and kisses back. I love you sweet angel.


Rose said...

I am soo sorry for you horrible loss, no one should have to go through loseing a child.

Anonymous said...

I was sitting here reading your blog and tears just started rolling down my face I have 3 girls and I am terrified that something will happen I have a little girl who was born 8/08 and I cant imgaine what pain you are feeling I coudlnt do it I would be so dead in side with out one of my girls and yet alone to have to find their poor little body there. Im sos orry for your loss I hope you can find peace soon it will be hard it will take a long time it wont ever go away but hopfully you can let some of that pain go.