Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Life will never be the same

When Megan died, I realized my life would never be the same. How could it, with such a vital part of my life missing? Its a change that I've had to accept in order to wake up each day. To smile and laugh again. I have an amazing family that without them, I'm not sure how I would have been able to keep moving forward. I am a strong person, circumstances forced it upon me. Sometimes I have dark days and dark moments and some days I am ok, even more than ok.

My life without Megan will never be what it was, the absolute joy she brought into my life will never be replicated. Other joys however will come and I'm ok with that. Megan spent her blessed 18 months here with us being the happiest little girl I had ever known. After knowing her I am a better person; having kids, it changes you. For the most part it changes you to be a better person, to be strong where you once might have been weak. To learn to put others before you, to be selfless. To speak up when you once would have kept quiet. You watch them sleep and you pray that they will never know pain, that they will grow up to be strong, respectful, loving and kind. When something happens to one of them it shakes you to your core, you wonder what you did wrong. You wonder if its karma, you wonder if you could have done something to change things. Its what will happen, you can't escape it.

Megan was a beautiful little girl. My heart breaks that I will never see her grow up but I am thankful for the time I had with her. I'm thankful for how she changed me and in doing so will help me while I tackle this journey again. Babies are such incredible little beings, you can't look at them and not feel protective, you know that you will do anything in your power to protect them for the rest of their lives. Its learning to forgive yourself when things don't go the way you thought they would that is hard. So very hard. You doubt everything, maybe I didn't do it right? I must have done something wrong, how can I be trusted with another life? Am i worthy? Do I want to be worthy? A new baby will help us all heal because while it isn't a replacement its new hope, new joys. I'm terrified of what this will mean. What If I have another brown eyed baby girl? Are people going to look at pictures of Megan and assume its this new baby? I'm so scared yet hopeful, thankful for this second chance.

Somebody recently told me If people start not wanting to hear our stories about our little girls then they are not people we need to be around. I had told her that I sometimes didn't know how to answer the question of "how many kids do you have". Sometimes I don't want to tell people the story, sometimes its easier to say one. Yet it hurts to even think that because I will always have two girls. I'm always so scared that when I share my Megan stories people will feel awkward. But she was a part of me and will always be a part of me and I have to share her, I have to keep her memory alive.

I'm pregnant. I'm so happy to have this chance again. I know I will never feel complete without Megan by my side but maybe this baby will help us through the grieving process a little easier. This baby will know all about their sister. I'm so scared as well, everything is so much harder. You question everything, every cramp, every twinge I run to the bathroom. While Ive had two very easy pregnancy's I'm absolutely terrified that this time It won't be. That I truly don't deserve this chance again. How am I ever supposed to let this baby live a normal life if I'm going to be scared each and every moment it sleeps? What if I have that fear again? What If I hold this baby in my arms and it dies to.

Of course I'm scared and of course I will do what needs to be done. I have to confront my fears sometime and I will. Its unreasonable to think that I won't be scared, that I won't second guess everything. I had a child die, I had a child who was supposed to past the safe mark die. For no reasons that anyone can find. Her autopsy results leave me questioning so much. I understand the results didn't contribute 100% to her death but they are there for a reason. They point to something and I want more answers than I've been given. Its the unanswered questions that I just can't let go of.


Emily said...


What a bittersweet post. Having such heartbreak and such joyous news at the same time. I know my situation is nothing like yours, but I can completely relate to being asked how many kids I have. I use to struggle with the anwser and now I say three. However, if Sage is with me, it really upsets her if I say 3 and not 4, and then proceeds to explain about Savannah to people we don't know who were just making small talk. Love you.

Geves said...

Hi Jenny, I've read a few of your posts about your darling Megan. I'm just so sorry that you lost her. I can imagine that this pregnancy is tinged with so many emotions it's hard to know what to feel. My little girl, Celeste, was born thirteen months after her sister Juliette died, and so many people seemed to think that she would erase the sadness. That hurt me. Celeste brought her own joy, but her sister was still there. Is always there. I hope you're ok.


Geves said...

Oh Jenny, I've read forward and I'm so sorry. What an idiot I am. xx