Yesterday was 9 months, 9 months since I put my 18 month old sweetheart down for a nap that she never woke from. Yesterday my 6 year old daughter told me how she is scared of dreams, even if they are the good one. I asked her why and she told me its because you can get stuck in your dreams and never get out. I told her you can't get stuck in your dreams and she set me straight. Yes you can, Megan went to sleep and was not able to escape from her dream. So we had a discussion about God and how these things sometimes happen, but it really isn't something a 6 year old understands. All she knows is that she is the only one alive and she doesn't understand it.
Last night Emily had a fever. In 9 months this is the first time she has been sick with more than the sniffles. Figures it would happen after that conversation and on a anniversary day. The last time one of my children had a fever, they died. You know in your head that you are worrying and scared over nothing but how is it truly nothing? My 18 month old daughter had a fever, I put her to sleep alone for nap time and she died. We don't know why she died, we will never know why she died but the fact remains that she had a fever and got stuck in her dreams and died.
So, its understandable that I was upset. I tossed her in our extra bed and I crawled in with her and held her all night long while she shook from being so cold from that fever. I had tears streaming down my face. It was awful. I couldn't let her sleep alone because last time someone slept alone with a fever they died. I didn't know that this was going to be so hard. The emotions and the fears. I did ok though, I reached out to some friends who texted me until I felt that I could sleep. I actually did sleep and it was comforting having her in my arms all night, feeling her chest rising up and down and her little heart beating.
So milestone number 58 down? We survived fever number one 'after'. Today she is still feverish and quite whiny but shes ok. Were ok.