Saturday, December 11, 2010

A fever and whirlwind of emotions

Yesterday was 9 months, 9 months since I put my 18 month old sweetheart down for a nap that she never woke from.  Yesterday my 6 year old daughter told me how she is scared of dreams, even if they are the good one.   I asked her why and she told me its because you can get stuck in your dreams and never get out.  I told her you can't get stuck in your dreams and she set me straight.  Yes you can, Megan went to sleep and was not able to escape from her dream.   So we had a discussion about God and how these things sometimes happen, but it really isn't something a 6 year old understands.  All she knows is that she is the only one alive and she doesn't understand it. 

Last night Emily had a fever.  In 9 months this is the first time she has been sick with more than the sniffles.  Figures it would happen after that conversation and on a anniversary day.  The last time one of my children had a fever, they died.  You  know in your head that you are worrying and scared over nothing but how is it truly nothing?  My 18 month old daughter had a fever, I put her to sleep alone for nap time and she died.   We don't know why she died, we will never know why she died but the fact remains that she had a fever and got stuck in her dreams and died.

So, its understandable that I was upset.  I tossed her in our extra bed and I crawled in with her and held her all night long while she shook from being so cold from that fever.  I had tears streaming down my face.  It was awful.   I couldn't let her sleep alone because last time someone slept alone with a fever they died.  I didn't know that this was going to be so hard.  The emotions and the fears.  I did ok though, I reached out to some friends who texted me until I felt that I could sleep.  I actually did sleep and it was comforting having her in my arms all night, feeling her chest rising up and down and her little heart beating. 

So milestone number 58 down?  We survived fever number one 'after'.  Today she is still feverish and quite whiny but shes ok.  Were ok.


Anonymous said...

I noticed your blog in your signature on BBC.. and I clicked on it because I also saw that you had lost your daughter... I read the post from today and it is a beutiful reflection. I admire your strength. xo

mrsnice777 said...

I'm glad you made it through that, Jenny! (((hugz))) Emily is beautiful - I hope she feels better soon so you can relax.

Praying that for you all!

rebecca said...

What a terribly scary milestone on a day already filled with so much emotion. Glad to hear you both made it out okay and she's doing a bit better today. Thinking of you guys and hoping she feels better soon!

Tiffany said...

((hugs)) life after the death of a child is just so rough. i'm sorry. it's not right that either of us have to go through this. but i'm glad you got through that milestone.

Amy D said...

I'm glad you were able to get some sleep. I was thinking about how you have all these firsts. Megan had a whole bunch of firsts and you never knew they were actually her lasts. And now again, you are going through firsts again, like you said "first fever since Megan died".

I hate that everything has to be measured like this for you.

I know how much I panic when my kids are sick. Jack has a high fever and wanted to sleep in the living room, but I didn't want to. So I told the girls they had to. I can't imagine what it is like for you. <3 Love you. Again. Over and over.

Susan said...

I'm glad Emily is feeling a little better.

It will be 8 months for us tomorrow. I think what most people can't grasp is how complicated it is to live when your child has died - how many hurdles there are to transgress.

It is exhausting, isn't it?

Poor Emily - she is dealing with such difficult things. Catherine's friend is also asking searching questions about death, and has fears of dying too. We can only carry on, trying to breathe, trying to reassure...

Sending you both big hugs and love. It must be hard dealing this alone, without your husband. xx

Lisa said...

I am so sorry for your loss! Your little girl is beautiful.

Organized Chaos said...

I am so sorry. I just found your blog through Tiffany's blog about Julius. I lost my daughter April 11, 2010. It has been 8 long brutal months. She had just turned 2 on April 9. She brought us so much life and I miss her more than I can say. I know you know that overwhelming ache. She was hit by a car. It was sudden, unexptected, much like yours. I just wanted to say I understand and I am sorry.