Thursday, December 2, 2010

I miss her

Sometimes I just need to say that, out loud, where others can hear me.   I write so much of my feelings that I feel like I am losing that part of my pain, the part where I tell people standing in front of me how much I miss my daughter.  I miss her, its heartbreaking to be without your child.  Its hard mentally to go on every single day knowing you will never in this lifetime see them again.  I go through pictures and I look, I say look but really its more of a eye sweep.  I can't linger on those pictures because they make me cry.  Staring at her face makes it all so real, and it brings that pain crashing down around me.  So most of the time I just quickly look without really looking.  Just long enough that I can remember her face.

How horrible is that? I cannot stare at my daughters face because it hurts so much, I want to, I want to spend hours looking at pictures of her and remembering each and every memory but right now I can't. 

Life isn't supposed to be easier without her.  You want to get up and go sure why not.  You want to go for a run sure no problem.  Want to go shopping, sure no problem just be back by 3.  Its so much easier.  I can leave dangerous items all over the house and not worry about a toddler getting into things they aren't supposed to.  I can have burning candles on my coffee table, I can leave scissors on the floor.   I don't have to even think about baby proofing things, but occasionally i will catch myself and say "Oh don't put that there" and then realize its doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter at all and its not supposed to make things easier.  Its hard enough dealing with the fact that I am no longer needed, not like I was anyways.  Its hard and it sucks and there really isn't anything I or anyone can else say about it.  It doesn't get better time wise, its always going to hurt.  The only difference is that I can actually talk about her sometimes, I can tell people what happened sometimes and only get slightly watery eyes.  Whoopee doo, so maybe In a couple years I will just be dead inside to it and will be able to talk about it (if people still even want to hear about it) without a problem.  I just don't see that happening.

I miss her so much, I miss her voice, I miss her hugs, I miss seeing her playing with Emily.  I miss having little feet running around the house.  I miss not having a baby.  I miss not having people say "Oh isn't she just the cutest"  I miss buying cute little baby stuff.  I miss looking at my favorite baby sites and I miss her, everything about her.  I miss her so much that I wish one day I would just not wake up.  It doesn't work that way though and I am still needed and I do still have hope for my future but it doesn't make it any easier.  This pain is so overwhelming.  I'm only a little over 3 months away from her 1 year death anniversary.  I hate this.  I miss her.


Amy D said...

:-( You told me once that I always know just what to say, so why is it that I am sitting here feeling like I don't know what to say?

I hate that it's a process. I hate that you have to go through every step of it. I hate that you can't even enjoy what's good, because it feels like you are betraying her memory. I hate that anyone has experienced the loss of their child. I hate that my friend is hurting so much and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

I love you, Jenny.

mrsnice777 said...

I miss her for you too!


Susan said...

I really relate to this Jenny. My life has got "easier" too. No children to run around after at all. I remember my head playing tricks on me once - thinking I feel so bad, I don't think I could manage to do bedtime - at least I don't have to do it. Of course, I wouldn't feel bad at all if I had my daughter to put to bed.

The missing is very, very hard.

Tiffany said...

(((hugs))) jenny thank you so much for stopping by my blog. i'm so so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. this is absolutely the most unfair and terrible thing to have to deal with. the pain for me still feels so unbearable. pls know that i am here for you if you should ever need someone to talk to. my email is on my blog. hopefully we can better navigate through grief with each other. ♥