Sunday, September 25, 2011

Birth, pain, joy, sadness

Where do I even start? I'm so torn between everything that is going on in my life. 
Emily and Megan are big sisters.  September 19th we welcomed another girl into our family.  Amanda Marie was 8lb 7oz and 20.5 inches.  She is healthy, cuddly as can be and looks so much like her big sisters its incredible.

I would like to make the claim like so many others have told me.  I loved her instantly, I may not have really bonded with her during the pregnancy, always so scared to let myself get to close.  Yet the moment I held her in my arms, this squalling, starving little girl (can't believe its another girl) I just knew.  No matter what happens, shes mine and I love her. 

My fears are 'there' but they are not as overwhelming as I thought they would be.  I can let her sleep and walk out of the room, but we also have not slept in the bedroom yet.  Recovering from a c-section its easier on me to sleep on the couch.  Plus just  the beginning of breastfeeding its nice being somewhere I can get on the computer or watch tv to keep myself awake.  
However, I often have to poke her, pick up her arm and drop it, anything to get a response.   I often look at her sleeping and think "OMG she is dead, shes to peaceful, shes to quiet, is her face purple?"  I'm pretty sure its a normal reaction/fear for someone in my position.  As the days have gone by it seems to be letting up a little.  

She seems so perfect, but so did Megan.  So was all of my friends children.  The paranoia is so fresh, everything seems so bad.  I don't want others holding her, touching her, I can't sleep if shes not right next to me and that means I'm not sleeping because I'm now I'm completely overwhelmed with baby loss stories. 
If I could hear I think she would be sleeping in her own bed, I try to do it and the only way I am able to let her sleep an hour or so at night in her bassinet is if I sleep with my hearing aide in.   Doesn't matter if shes right there, go into a deeper sleep and without the hearing aid, without her right on me, I don't hear her until shes so upset.  I hate that. Always have, which is why they have all slept with me so that I know right away when they are upset.

Emily told me that she often has to pick up her arm and drop it and make her move as well.  A 7 year old feels the need to make sure her sister hasn't died yet daily.  How sucky is that :(
I told Emily that Amanda will be here tomorrow the other day.  She didn't want to go to bed, she wanted to keep holding her for just awhile longer.  She looked up at me and said, "You don't know that."  "Nobody knows that for sure."   What can I possibly say to that?  She went to school expecting her sister to be ready and willing to play with her when she got home and instead she got a dead sister.  Yeah, shes right, we will never know that we will be here tomorrow.

Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Mandy, Mandy Mandy.  We love your name and yet we continue to call you Megan.  I've been saying maybe we should change your name to Meg-andy.   I'm sure its something we will stop pretty soon.  It bothers me but it doesn't.  They look an awful lot alike. 

I miss Megan so very much.  Holding Amanda in my arms helps.  It really does.  I'm still so scared, I whisper to her, "Please don't die, please don't leave me. I love you so much" 

Amanda is just the sweetest little thing, has been a great little nurser, a decent sleeper.  Shes actually pretty boring right now with doing nothing but sleep and eat.  The cuddles though, nothing beats baby cuddles.  So very hard to get used to doing that much work again.  So much harder to leave the house, so many things have to be done and brought with you and its difficult and frustrating when its not something you have had to deal with for awhile. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Sad and teary

Sometimes I feel like everywhere I look I see her looking at me.  The places her pictures sit pulling a "Mona Lisa".  Some days I can just glance at them and walk away and then some days I can't walk away.  I stand mesmerized unable to turn away, unable to not touch her face and I am overwhelmed with my loss.  Overwhelmed with the knowledge that I will never hold her again, I will never hear her earthly laugh again, I will never see that impish smile of hers except in pictures.   A few more days and she will be gone as long as she lived.  A year and half.  I've been grieving for a year and half and some days it seems so easy and days like today I am overwhelmed. 

As I stood there staring at her pictures on the fridge I couldn't stop saying I was sorry.  Sorry that I failed her, sorry that I couldn't make it all better.  So so sorry that I didn't know.  Sorry that I walked away from her when she wanted me.   Sorry that this wasn't something I could fix. 

Then when after the never ending guilt hits, I got angry.  Angry that I don't get to see her 3 years old.  Angry that she isn't here, angry that life is so much easier without a toddler.  Angry that so many people seem to forget.  Angry that everyone assumes that this baby is my second child and angry that I don't want to explain it.  Angry that it doesn't make me feel any better when I say, NO I have a 7 year old girl named Emily, and I have a 18 month old who will forever be 18 months old named Megan. 

I just miss her so much.  Picturs below are how we celebrated her birthday.

Friday, September 2, 2011

One of those days

Today is her birthday.  Today she would be turning 3, but no instead she is forever 18 months.

September 11, is the last big milestone I have, I suppose.  That is the day she has been gone longer than she was alive.  After that I guess its just birthdays, holidays, death day etc.

The lead up to the second birthday without her has been a lot easier than it was last year.  Someways thats a blessing and someways its pisses me off.  It shouldn't be easier, I should still be a crying sobbing mess because my child is gone.  Do you know how big a 3 year old is? How much hair she probably would have?  The things she could probably do?  I know we all say it "it isn't fair" and after awhile its like thats all I really have to say.  Its not fair.  I want my 3 year old. 

Watching your older child deal with the pain of no longer having their sibling sucks.  The other day Emily said to me, "Mommy, If i ever die in child life, do you promise to bury me next to my sister? " She breaks my heart sometimes. ♥  What am I supposed to say? She also said she hopes that she does not die in child life and then I said "I hope you never die."  To which she said, "we all die sometime."  Something we tell her all the time, you just don't expect them to say it back. 

Emily: Mama I really miss Megan

Me: I know you do, I really miss her to.
Emily: *sobbing* mama, sometimes when Megan made me really mad I would pinch her.
Me: Laughing and crying at same time. OH honey I would get mad at her to sometimes.
Emily: I just have always felt so bad about it :( I wish she was here so we could share a bedroom and that she was still alive.
Me: I know, I wish it to honey.

She misses her so much.  She shows it in different ways and most of the time I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks of her, but then we have these conversations and I just know that shes not forgotten. 

We will be celebrating her birthday the only way I can think of.  Balloon release, chalk art on her grave, pretty flowers,  and dinner.  One day later, but thats ok.   Its so frustrating that its all I can do. 
I'm trying to be excited over this new baby who will be here Sept. 19th, but its hard.  Still so many doubts, so much pain, so much disbelief and so much not being able to connect with this baby.  I know its normal for us loss mothers but its still hard to handle sometimes.   I'm tired and I feel so drained and I feel like I'm closing myself off to everyone.  I don't want to write here, I don't want to write out what feels like more empty words.  It just feels empty.  Were all hurting, saying the same things over and over and I just feel like I can't do it right now.  I just feel blah. 

My sweet childhood friend Ashlee's work had a free CPR class yesterday.  I figured that It would be a good idea to brush up on my skills.  I thought I was fine and then the memories kept hitting me.  The instructor is telling funny stories about doing respiration's and the patients puking and it just brought me back to that day.   I had to walk out and regroup.  Embarrassing to be crying in front of all these people I don't know, but I couldn't help it.  I did CPR on my daughter and there was no happy ending.  I had to go through with the class though, for this new baby.  I had to step up and make sure I still knew everything I needed to know.  I did it and I was ok in the end.  I know I was probably a little extra emotional since I knew the next day was her birthday.

Well thats the update for now anyways.  Thanks for reading.