Sometimes I feel like everywhere I look I see her looking at me. The places her pictures sit pulling a "Mona Lisa". Some days I can just glance at them and walk away and then some days I can't walk away. I stand mesmerized unable to turn away, unable to not touch her face and I am overwhelmed with my loss. Overwhelmed with the knowledge that I will never hold her again, I will never hear her earthly laugh again, I will never see that impish smile of hers except in pictures. A few more days and she will be gone as long as she lived. A year and half. I've been grieving for a year and half and some days it seems so easy and days like today I am overwhelmed.
As I stood there staring at her pictures on the fridge I couldn't stop saying I was sorry. Sorry that I failed her, sorry that I couldn't make it all better. So so sorry that I didn't know. Sorry that I walked away from her when she wanted me. Sorry that this wasn't something I could fix.
Then when after the never ending guilt hits, I got angry. Angry that I don't get to see her 3 years old. Angry that she isn't here, angry that life is so much easier without a toddler. Angry that so many people seem to forget. Angry that everyone assumes that this baby is my second child and angry that I don't want to explain it. Angry that it doesn't make me feel any better when I say, NO I have a 7 year old girl named Emily, and I have a 18 month old who will forever be 18 months old named Megan.
I just miss her so much. Picturs below are how we celebrated her birthday.