Thursday, September 8, 2011

Sad and teary

Sometimes I feel like everywhere I look I see her looking at me.  The places her pictures sit pulling a "Mona Lisa".  Some days I can just glance at them and walk away and then some days I can't walk away.  I stand mesmerized unable to turn away, unable to not touch her face and I am overwhelmed with my loss.  Overwhelmed with the knowledge that I will never hold her again, I will never hear her earthly laugh again, I will never see that impish smile of hers except in pictures.   A few more days and she will be gone as long as she lived.  A year and half.  I've been grieving for a year and half and some days it seems so easy and days like today I am overwhelmed. 

As I stood there staring at her pictures on the fridge I couldn't stop saying I was sorry.  Sorry that I failed her, sorry that I couldn't make it all better.  So so sorry that I didn't know.  Sorry that I walked away from her when she wanted me.   Sorry that this wasn't something I could fix. 

Then when after the never ending guilt hits, I got angry.  Angry that I don't get to see her 3 years old.  Angry that she isn't here, angry that life is so much easier without a toddler.  Angry that so many people seem to forget.  Angry that everyone assumes that this baby is my second child and angry that I don't want to explain it.  Angry that it doesn't make me feel any better when I say, NO I have a 7 year old girl named Emily, and I have a 18 month old who will forever be 18 months old named Megan. 

I just miss her so much.  Picturs below are how we celebrated her birthday.


7 comments:

michelle said...

Its crazy, I know. Somedays all I can do is look at pics of Jack and other days I cant bear it and seeing him racks me with all those feelings,remorse, hopelessness, sadness, guilt, anger etc etc It will always be a struggle. Alot of days I wake up and feel like this. There is no step by step grieving process when it comes to losing a child. Thinking of Megan

Diana Doyle said...

Happy Birthday to your angel...

Birthdays and special days are extra hard, but then sometimes every day is difficult.

Anger and guilt are such a part of the territory with having to bury your child.

So I'm sending you a hug in this message and hope your days soon will get better...even a glimmer of hope for a good day kept me going sometimes. It is unfair and there isn't any other way to describe not having your baby with you. I'm sure she'd be beautiful!

with love
Diana x

Macuil said...

Always thinking of Megan! Praying for you!

marisa said...

I have those same moments when I cannot rip my eyes away from her pictures. Then other days I cannot bear to look any longer.

Thinking of you,

Marisa

ASHLEY ELDER said...

I'm so sorry. I could have written this post. I hate these feelings that we have to go through and it is definitely NOT fair!! ((Hugs))

mrsnice777 said...

I love the pic where the sun is shining down on you three... like she's right there with you!

((hugz))
Jamie

Stacey said...

I feel your pain and anger...thank you for expressing yourself...once again, you have hit the nail on the head. xoxo