Sad and teary

Sometimes I feel like everywhere I look I see her looking at me.  The places her pictures sit pulling a "Mona Lisa".  Some days I can just glance at them and walk away and then some days I can't walk away.  I stand mesmerized unable to turn away, unable to not touch her face and I am overwhelmed with my loss.  Overwhelmed with the knowledge that I will never hold her again, I will never hear her earthly laugh again, I will never see that impish smile of hers except in pictures.   A few more days and she will be gone as long as she lived.  A year and half.  I've been grieving for a year and half and some days it seems so easy and days like today I am overwhelmed. 

As I stood there staring at her pictures on the fridge I couldn't stop saying I was sorry.  Sorry that I failed her, sorry that I couldn't make it all better.  So so sorry that I didn't know.  Sorry that I walked away from her when she wanted me.   Sorry that this wasn't something I could fix. 

Then when after the never ending guilt hits, I got angry.  Angry that I don't get to see her 3 years old.  Angry that she isn't here, angry that life is so much easier without a toddler.  Angry that so many people seem to forget.  Angry that everyone assumes that this baby is my second child and angry that I don't want to explain it.  Angry that it doesn't make me feel any better when I say, NO I have a 7 year old girl named Emily, and I have a 18 month old who will forever be 18 months old named Megan. 

I just miss her so much.  Picturs below are how we celebrated her birthday.