Sunday, September 25, 2011

Birth, pain, joy, sadness

Where do I even start? I'm so torn between everything that is going on in my life. 
Emily and Megan are big sisters.  September 19th we welcomed another girl into our family.  Amanda Marie was 8lb 7oz and 20.5 inches.  She is healthy, cuddly as can be and looks so much like her big sisters its incredible.

I would like to make the claim like so many others have told me.  I loved her instantly, I may not have really bonded with her during the pregnancy, always so scared to let myself get to close.  Yet the moment I held her in my arms, this squalling, starving little girl (can't believe its another girl) I just knew.  No matter what happens, shes mine and I love her. 

My fears are 'there' but they are not as overwhelming as I thought they would be.  I can let her sleep and walk out of the room, but we also have not slept in the bedroom yet.  Recovering from a c-section its easier on me to sleep on the couch.  Plus just  the beginning of breastfeeding its nice being somewhere I can get on the computer or watch tv to keep myself awake.  
However, I often have to poke her, pick up her arm and drop it, anything to get a response.   I often look at her sleeping and think "OMG she is dead, shes to peaceful, shes to quiet, is her face purple?"  I'm pretty sure its a normal reaction/fear for someone in my position.  As the days have gone by it seems to be letting up a little.  

She seems so perfect, but so did Megan.  So was all of my friends children.  The paranoia is so fresh, everything seems so bad.  I don't want others holding her, touching her, I can't sleep if shes not right next to me and that means I'm not sleeping because I'm now I'm completely overwhelmed with baby loss stories. 
If I could hear I think she would be sleeping in her own bed, I try to do it and the only way I am able to let her sleep an hour or so at night in her bassinet is if I sleep with my hearing aide in.   Doesn't matter if shes right there, go into a deeper sleep and without the hearing aid, without her right on me, I don't hear her until shes so upset.  I hate that. Always have, which is why they have all slept with me so that I know right away when they are upset.

Emily told me that she often has to pick up her arm and drop it and make her move as well.  A 7 year old feels the need to make sure her sister hasn't died yet daily.  How sucky is that :(
I told Emily that Amanda will be here tomorrow the other day.  She didn't want to go to bed, she wanted to keep holding her for just awhile longer.  She looked up at me and said, "You don't know that."  "Nobody knows that for sure."   What can I possibly say to that?  She went to school expecting her sister to be ready and willing to play with her when she got home and instead she got a dead sister.  Yeah, shes right, we will never know that we will be here tomorrow.

Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Mandy, Mandy Mandy.  We love your name and yet we continue to call you Megan.  I've been saying maybe we should change your name to Meg-andy.   I'm sure its something we will stop pretty soon.  It bothers me but it doesn't.  They look an awful lot alike. 

I miss Megan so very much.  Holding Amanda in my arms helps.  It really does.  I'm still so scared, I whisper to her, "Please don't die, please don't leave me. I love you so much" 

Amanda is just the sweetest little thing, has been a great little nurser, a decent sleeper.  Shes actually pretty boring right now with doing nothing but sleep and eat.  The cuddles though, nothing beats baby cuddles.  So very hard to get used to doing that much work again.  So much harder to leave the house, so many things have to be done and brought with you and its difficult and frustrating when its not something you have had to deal with for awhile. 


Anonymous said...

She is sooo precious!!! Keeping you in my prayers. :)

Mary said...

Congratulations!!!! She is absolutely gorgeous!!!

Your right, there is nothing sweeter than baby cuddles.

I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Congratulations to big sisters Emily and Megan too!!

Happy Birthday sweet Amanda Marie!!!

Geves said...

Amanda is beautiful, and how you've described your first few days with her is so touching and poignant - that big mix of grief and joy, I remember so well when our Celeste was born. Sending love to your family.

lissasue3 said...

She's beautiful, congratulations. :)

michelle said...

She is so cute! Congrats!



I think things get a little less stressful as time goes on. I am still a freak when my son sleeps but not as crazy as I was in the beginning.

Thinking of you AND so excited!!

Mommyroo said...

Congratulations! She is just beautiful! Have you ever considered getting an angel care monitor? It measures their movements and an alarm goes off if it does not detect their breathing. My daughter was in the NICU for the first few weeks of her life and I was so afraid of her heart rate dropping and me not being there to stimulate her to bring it back up so I got one of those monitors and it works. I watch it when I am falling asleep so I can relax enough to sleep. Just a thought?

BellaSteph said...

She is so beautiful, congrats Jenny! Everyone calls this baby Gavin by mistake and he's not even here yet. I hope things get easier for all of you. Your little girls comments break my heart. So sad she already has such worry at such a young age.

Jo said...

I too second the monitor, just to reassure you. Thinking of you and the family with love. Congrats on your 3rd baby girl!

Macuil said...

She's beautiful! Congrats!

Mommy 2 A Miracle said...

Congrats Jenny! I <3 her name! :)

marisa said...

Congratulations to you and your whole family. She is so beautiful as is all of your daughters. I can only imagina all of the different emotions that you must be feeling. Your daughter is very wise for her age, unfortunatly she has had to experience so much for such a young girl.

Thinking of you all.

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

Congratulations. I'll be praying for you to have peace. She is GORGEOUS :0)

I found you through Faces of Loss. I'm hosting a blogfest for mothers who have lost infants or children. I would love it if you could join us and share your story. Thanks for your time.

Here's that link:

MrsH said...

Congratulations, she is very cute! I think Emily is copying your own anxiety to some extent. Of course she has her own, but she is still at a stage where she will let herself guided by your emotions. As you see Amanda staying, you will gradually relax and Emily will too. lt is all natural, and it will not harm anybody. It is just the way things are, and they cannot be different.
thank you for your kind comments on my blog :)