Wednesday, January 18, 2012


We have so much snow.  We don't usually get more than a couple of inches and when we do its gone by noon.  Western Washington is getting dumped on.  We have like 12 inches right now.   I woke up 3 times last night to peek out the window, I feel like a school girl.   I jumped on Emily this morning to wake her up.  I thought it was pretty funny since usually she is the one waking me up. 

I am waiting for the baby to wake up from her nap so I can put her in her snowsuit and drop her in the snow!  Going to be so much fun lol!   Unfortunately this is powdery snow so snowmen yet.  Poor Emily was outside for much to long and came inside just bawling.  She really needs snow clothes but there isn't much purpose to it when we barely get it.  I currently have her in a nice warm bath. 

Last night while I was lying in bed I was just having so much fun with Amanda.  She was kicking her little legs and cooing up a storm.  Then she grabbed onto my finger and just slowly drifted off to sleep.  I was reading facebook on my Ipod and the light of it really just lit up the little fuzzy hair she has and it just melted my heart.  I just love this little girl so much. 
Yesterday we just had a tiny bit of snow. Amanda wasn't overly impressed with it, but didn't mind it either.

The dog is so funny, she just loves the snow.  Running around all crazy and digging in the snow for her toys and rolling in it. 

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Feeling better

Around dinner time yesterday i just felt this huge weight lift off of me.  Just a huge sigh of relief, everyone is still here and alive and the worry is over.  I know that sounds silly but yesterday while I was trying to be nonchalant and not worried I still was.  I'm not a dreamer and after losing Megan, I can't just look at things simply anymore.  I can't just enjoy Amanda like i did my other two.  Its different.  It will always be different.

I made a mountain of a mole hole.  You know what? That's ok.   To me the fears were real and scary and while I kept it at bay it was there pecking at me.

Then dinner time happened and I realized hey, we are over the time limit because all unfounded fears have time limits you know. 
I slept so well last night. 

I also dreamed again.  One of those dreams where you wake up and then fall right back into it.  Very strange, end of the world kind of dream.  People trying to kill us, killer viruses on the loose.  Very entertaining, my own personal little movie haha!  Why am I dreaming all of a sudden though? 

Friday, January 13, 2012


Let me start by saying that I don't dream very often.  There are very few times in my life that I can remember dreams and they stick with me because they happen so infrequently. 
I can remember having the same dream over and over as a child.  I was at my house and I was alone and I get the feeling that something is coming, something scary.  I don't know where to go, so I grab a straw and I climb into my kiddie pool and I lay there with my eyes open waiting.  Eventually something comes, two somethings.  Alligators or Crocodiles.  They crawl in to the pool and I'm sandwiched between them and I would wake up screaming. I had this dream over and over.

Two days before Megan died I had a dream.  I dreamed that my friend and I were going on a picnic.  There was this huge cavernous hole and  it had ladders going up and down it.  We wanted to picnic on the other side so with 2 strollers we go down and up these ladders to get to the other side. I can remember looking down and pulling this stroller with Megan buckled in facing down to the ground and just climbing and climbing.  We finally get to the other side and spread out our blankets, while we are sitting there eating, the brakes on my stroller fails.  She starts heading towards this hole we just climbed out of, my friends son runs after her but trips.  He is the same age as Emily.  Down she goes.  The next part of the dream, I'm down there holding her all of a sudden extremely bloated body just screaming, she was so bloated and looked nothing like her.  Then all of a sudden were at the doctors and they keep telling me, "Its all your fault, Its all your fault."  "You did this to her."
This dream was so real, so scary that i immediately told my friend and husband about it.

Two days later she dies.  Can you imagine my guilt with this dream in the background? It haunts me to this day.  Why would I have this dream days before she died?  Why?  How could I not be full of doubt and guilt?

Wednesday night I dreamed again.  For some reason my bed was in the living room and Amanda and I and Emily were sitting on it.  My husband was on the other side on the couch on the computer.   Amanda had some snot coming out of her nose, so I grabbed a Kleenex and I pinched her nose and all of a sudden shes soaking wet with this yellow mucus matter.  I look up at her head and her heads caved in on itself.  She looks like a baby with anencephaly.  I remember screaming call 911 and then I wake up. The dream has stuck with me all day, all night and now all morning today.

I know its unreasonable but the fear is eating me alive.  I just have this worry, I probably won't be able to let her sleep alone at all today.   I told my husband about the dream and he just told me that is physically impossible to happen.  Well I'm pretty sure that my cavernous hole with a ladder and what not was pretty impossible as well.  How am I supposed to let her nap today? A nap took Megan away from me forever.
She's been extra fussy the last few days.  Its taking everything in me not to rush her to the doctor, but again... Megan went to the doctor the day before she died so what would that accomplish?

I'm scared. 
I can't lose her.  Why do I have to dream when I never dream?  Last night I had another dream, this one of my husband.  Cheating on me.  I woke up so very angry at him. Took me a while to realize that it was a dream.  Another dream for someone who rarely dreams.  What is going on?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


I had a friend recently tell me that I am selfish.  Selfish because I disturb Amanda's sleep all the time at night.  I disturb her sleep to make myself feel better.
We have both lost children.  She understands that its scary.  I need to be the bigger person and let her sleep on her own, without poking and prodding her all night.  Bedsharing isn't safe anyways, right.... She would never ever compromise the safety of her child.  *Our children were born within 3 weeks of each other*  Everything she says, sounds so condescending to me.  I'm completely fine with the fact that you are against bedsharing, but please don't tell me I'm a bad mom because I do, and because I do check on my child many times during the night doesn't mean I'm disturbing her necessarily.  She is actually a fabulous sleeper, only wakes maybe 1x a night to nurse.

I'm trying to be the bigger person and not tell her to "Shut her piehole."
It is taking everything in me not to bring up the differences in our child loss.  My child died in their sleep.  My child, a thriving toddler, went to sleep one day and never woke back up.  Her child was born still.  Did  we both lose children? Of course.  Is it heartbreaking no matter what? Yes of course.
Its still different.  Why would she have this insane fear that I and other sids/sudc moms have?  It is different, but I feel bad saying that.  Like somehow I'm dishonoring her child, belittling her loss.  It feels like she is belittling my fears.  I am trying to show her compassion and not shake her.
Loss is loss.
It is different though. 
Her child had a infection.  Her child has a cause of death.  Mine does not.
That right there makes me jealous, whereas I know she is jealous that my child lived for 18 months.  I know this because we have talked about it.  It is human nature.

Am I selfish? I have always believed in bedsharing and breastfeeding and attachment parenting.  I imagine that I always woke up to check on Emily and Megan, the only difference is .... I didn't wake up with the fear, with the choking god awful fear that I'm going to have to hold another child... another dead child in my arms. 

Immunizations, she can't understand whatsoever why I might have a fear of giving Amanda vaccinations.  I'm just following blindly into the propaganda and scare tactics of people who are uneducated and etc.  Hello?! My child died the day after receiving her 4th dpat shot.  I do not have a reason for her death.  I will never know why she died, but you damn well cannot blame me if I choose to delay vaccinations.  Amanda will still receive some vaccinations, not the dpat.  Not for awhile anyways.  They will be done one a time.  I'm not in a big hurry.  I'm not freaking out over them, but I am keeping my options/opinions open. 
I imagine if anyone tried to give one of my children the antibiotic that Megan took shortly before her death, I will have issues with that as well.  My kid died.  Unexpectedly, with no rhyme no reason for it.  Yeah, I'm hesitant and scared.  I'm not stupid.  I do know that some of my fears are just ridiculous.
Emily was baptized, Megan was not....... I feel like i desperately and quickly need to have Amanda baptized.  Ridiculous fear, I know this.

Amanda is 16 weeks old now.  She just started giggling and loves to give up big cheesy smiles.  They just aren't that easy to catch on camera.  This was the tail end of one.
  Emily received her very own Ergo! Love Ergos in this family :)

 Yep, my 7 year is still full harnessed in a car seat :) isn't she just the prettiest?!

Last night Daddy gave Amanda a bath. She is not a big fan.  She is the first child of ours to wholly dislike water.

 This is what happened after ^ the bath.   I was doing dishes and found them <3