Friday, January 13, 2012


Let me start by saying that I don't dream very often.  There are very few times in my life that I can remember dreams and they stick with me because they happen so infrequently. 
I can remember having the same dream over and over as a child.  I was at my house and I was alone and I get the feeling that something is coming, something scary.  I don't know where to go, so I grab a straw and I climb into my kiddie pool and I lay there with my eyes open waiting.  Eventually something comes, two somethings.  Alligators or Crocodiles.  They crawl in to the pool and I'm sandwiched between them and I would wake up screaming. I had this dream over and over.

Two days before Megan died I had a dream.  I dreamed that my friend and I were going on a picnic.  There was this huge cavernous hole and  it had ladders going up and down it.  We wanted to picnic on the other side so with 2 strollers we go down and up these ladders to get to the other side. I can remember looking down and pulling this stroller with Megan buckled in facing down to the ground and just climbing and climbing.  We finally get to the other side and spread out our blankets, while we are sitting there eating, the brakes on my stroller fails.  She starts heading towards this hole we just climbed out of, my friends son runs after her but trips.  He is the same age as Emily.  Down she goes.  The next part of the dream, I'm down there holding her all of a sudden extremely bloated body just screaming, she was so bloated and looked nothing like her.  Then all of a sudden were at the doctors and they keep telling me, "Its all your fault, Its all your fault."  "You did this to her."
This dream was so real, so scary that i immediately told my friend and husband about it.

Two days later she dies.  Can you imagine my guilt with this dream in the background? It haunts me to this day.  Why would I have this dream days before she died?  Why?  How could I not be full of doubt and guilt?

Wednesday night I dreamed again.  For some reason my bed was in the living room and Amanda and I and Emily were sitting on it.  My husband was on the other side on the couch on the computer.   Amanda had some snot coming out of her nose, so I grabbed a Kleenex and I pinched her nose and all of a sudden shes soaking wet with this yellow mucus matter.  I look up at her head and her heads caved in on itself.  She looks like a baby with anencephaly.  I remember screaming call 911 and then I wake up. The dream has stuck with me all day, all night and now all morning today.

I know its unreasonable but the fear is eating me alive.  I just have this worry, I probably won't be able to let her sleep alone at all today.   I told my husband about the dream and he just told me that is physically impossible to happen.  Well I'm pretty sure that my cavernous hole with a ladder and what not was pretty impossible as well.  How am I supposed to let her nap today? A nap took Megan away from me forever.
She's been extra fussy the last few days.  Its taking everything in me not to rush her to the doctor, but again... Megan went to the doctor the day before she died so what would that accomplish?

I'm scared. 
I can't lose her.  Why do I have to dream when I never dream?  Last night I had another dream, this one of my husband.  Cheating on me.  I woke up so very angry at him. Took me a while to realize that it was a dream.  Another dream for someone who rarely dreams.  What is going on?


michelle said...

I can understand the anxiety and the guilt. I had alot of scary freaky dreams before Jack's surgery, I thought at the time it was hormones due to my body getting back to the way it was before pregnancy. Those are beautiful pics and I like the new blog. I know its hard not to imagine it happening again as the understandable and very natural feelings of paranoia creep in but remember you are doing the best you can, you are a great Mommy!

Melissa said...

I'm sorry - if that happened to me I'd be thinking the same as you. So I'll just send some hugs your way. ((hugs))