Sunday, June 30, 2013

Moving on

I am getting nervous about this upcoming move. Alaska is going to be so much different than what we are used to.   That darkness and then the neverending light...  The -50 degree weather.  I'm nervous.  I have been told that the mosquitos there are mutants.  They call them the state birds.  Have you been there? Good? Bad?

I keep trying to tell myself that to many people live there, they wouldn't live somewhere that's inhabitable lol.  You get so used to certain creature comforts, ya know like not running out of bread or milk in the winter.  I know its not going to be all bad but I'm nervous and a little scared.

I'm leaving Megan's grave to the care of someone else.  I know they will take good care of her but it still sucks.  Hopefully we will be able to find a cute moose ornament for her gravesite. 

Amanda is 21 months now and is super addicted to the show "Doc McStuffins".   I made the mistake of buying her a few items of clothing with her on it and she tosses huge fits when you try to take said clothes off or refuse to put them on.  Its kind of funny but not.  I do know that the 30 minutes of doc means she won't move from the tv so I can get the house clean which is always nice.  She doesn't say many words, but they are slowly starting to add up.  I'm sure that doesn't make much sense, but I know what her words mean, but they are just now turning into  actual undertstandable words.   She is doing really great, loves to play in the dirt.  Oh boy does she love dirt.  I think we need a sand box because that has to be cleaner right?

Emily is doing wonderful, she is the best big sister ever.  She is almost 9.  She is my built in awesome babysitter.  She wants to do things with her all the time and Amanda of course just wants to be with big sister.  She has started potty training her.  If Emily sits on the toilet, Amanda has to sit on her toilet as well.  Its all fun and games till the baby pees or poos on the floor.  Then its "MOM".   I really can't say much though because I'm betting having Amanda want to copy Emily so much will really make potty training easier. 

We are just enjoying our last summer here, we were supposed to be moved already.  In with the inlaws to save some money for the move, but we are now waiting till August.  Should be a lot of fun to with family all the time, but poor dad will have to do lots of commuting and staying with his brother during the week.  It will be worth in the long run though to be able to move to Alaska and not have to worry about purchasing expensive winter gear and deposits etc etc. 
 Wild Amanda, sand has to be easier right?
Beautiful Emily at the zoo
 Must have Doc Mcstuffins on at all times

Friday, June 28, 2013

Last one i hope about IAAMTAA

On June 27, 2013 I finally received the order from Oct 6, 2012.
No its not covered in gold and rainbow dust.  It is exactly what I ordered. *With a extra little cross as a sorry you had to wait gift*

8 months for a ten dollar bauble.  My friend Dana, who ordered same day has not and is frankly just done with this.  I have reported her to a few things but she is pretty silly to think I am the only one doing the reports. She has hurt many woman.  A few of us decided to come forward, tired of not being heard.  A small group on facebook was created so everything we could find on IAAMTAA owner and her other businesses.  I was unfortunately stupid enough to make it public when I thought it was closed so all the incriminating stuff was deleted.  I've been told that items were just" ready" so that is why they shipped. Over 100 orders.  Shipped after I called her a scam where others can read it.  Coincidence? Maybe so.  Maybe she was just finally ready to do the job she was paid for.
I put this out here because other people will search this and they will realize they are not alone.

The one piece I really thought was funny/ironic was finding the complaint she laid on the person who made the bracelets for her.  See, we ordered in October and November yet she didn't even commission the bracelets till end of January.  Maternity leave and holiday leave ok, but who leaves their customers in the dark?   Who doesn't take the time to let people know, none of my emails tell me, "Hey I will not even be making these till January, is that to long? Can I offer you a refund?" Tell me is that unreasonable to expect?

She commissioned the bracelets and then its ok for her to complain about not getting things in a timely manner, she only waited two months before leaving bad feedback.  There is no way for me to leave her feedback on her site, she and her co owners delete everything.  You might be thinking to yourself, well if you cuss at someone and go over the top then that's your fault.  Fortunately we are all woman who are able to act like grown ups.  No threats were sent out.  Simple questions about why she was starting new companies, taking in new orders over and over and over while not fulfilling her backed up extremely over due orders.  Sorry for the confusion on this matter, she paid the lady end of January, beginning of april she posted pictures of our bracelets on her website.  That's what I went off of when I said two months.  Sorry for the confusion. Should have clarified more. It is correct that it was actually 4 months that she waited till she had the blessing to leave feed back.

Yes her page is full of support.  Wonderful stuff, I don't know what I would have done without the I found online in various places.

You cannot take peoples money and  not deliver products in a timely manner. 
People tell me she just got in over her head.  Took in to much. Ok.
Then I started researching her and found out that her customer service and delivery has been this way from the start.  Whatever.  Beware.  Think twice about donating and think twice about ordering.
She could have handled things in much better manner, end of story. **

Thank you for finally getting the product to me that I ordered 8 months ago. Thumbs up. Good job, this is how a responsible business owner does business. 
Now its time to get this blog back to where it should be. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Its sort of crazy (iaamtaa scammer)

The drama of facebook.
So not me.

There are some things I need to clarify.  I am not against the support that IAAMTAA page gives.  There is nothing wrong with that support, what I have a problem with is the fact that she has been taking peoples money and not giving those people the said product.  I know this because multiple people have told me so. 

End of story.  Think of this as a bad review.  Her support is right on, great place for her followers to get the support moms need.  They however do not need someone taking their money.  There is nothing negative on her page because she deletes it all.  You pay for her these products. 8 months? not ok. I am not some overly emotional cyber bully.   I am just trying to make sure others do not get hurt.

I found multiple boutiques she runs, along with multiple complaints (same as mine)  on said boutiques.  Once she found out that I found those, she deleted it all.  There is even a blog where she talks about having to refund a bunch of customers because they just couldn't understand that she has health problems and is going through so much...  In 2011.  Come on, open your eyes and your hearts.  I am not a vengeful spiteful cruel person.   I could have even let it go, It was only ten dollars.  Then I did my research and found that shes been doing this to people since 2010.  Treating people this way for this long, I can't just sit idly by.  No she doesn't do it to everyone.  Think about it.... If you stole everyones money you would be outted as a fraud before you could blink.  This is someone just siphoning from the top.
 What can I do? I can't talk on her page.  None of my friends can talk on her page.  I raised a stink and voila, 100 orders were mailed out.  Are you kidding? This is someone scared.  This is someone who has something to hide so she deleted her things.  

I am a person, I stick up for the little guy so much I make my husband mad all the time.  I stuck up for her over and over and over and then I started thinking wow, she wants everyone to email her but shes snappy in her emails and tells us that taking time to email you is taking away from the time she could be working and its just excuse after excuse.  You can judge me if you want to.  I know the truth.  She knows the truth.  I'm not slandering her, i'm not calling her bad names.  Someone that takes your money and doesn't give you a product or give you a refund is a thief. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

I am a mother to an angel is a scam part 2.

I have been debating on sharing emails and other places I have found that speak about her simply because its so messy and hard to read copy and pasting.   I'm going to do some  though, I'll copy and paste and then add the link.

See today I found out that Kerin owner of I am a mother to an angel, Is also the owner to "Twinkle baby boutique".   Link to her etsy

Detective work.
Here is one person who ordered from TBB and the comments are eerily similar to my displeasure. you must
Skip to 2012, February. to see the comments..

I found this gem concerning Twinkle baby boutique from 2010.  Are you serious, she's been doing it that long?

"July 19, 2010 at 6:28 pm

I got permission to post the WAHM from the OP on DS. It is Twinkle Baby Boutique on Facebook, she has both a fan page and a regular page, it states she is 5 to 6 weeks behind but is still running First Comment Games AND taking new orders. She gets mad if you ask her about an order status (I was told I would get it when I got it) Oh yeah she also throws fits if you call her out on her being behind saying we don’t know what she is going through." this where that quote comes from.


I have 2 emails from people who read the before blog and said , "Hey me to!"

I have 6 people on Facebook who have communicated with me, on the lack of service Kerin has provided. I know I have more, but apparently facebook has deleted emails? I'm finding that I can't go back very far looking for messages.

Things happen.  I'm not heartless.  This however is not how you run a business. You don't take peoples money and refuse to refund them or get their product to them.  8 months. 
I bought this bracelet for Emily.  For Christmas 2012.  Not once was I told this would be a long time coming, like she says she did.  She didn't mention anything till January when I wrote asking about my bracelet.  Two more weeks, hun. 
February, she still doesn't have them. 
March, she will get them to me when she can.
April, posts pictures of said bracelets on her website.  Its JUNE. Come on.  Come on.  COME ON.

She has apparently seen my blog and commented on her page about it.
Here is a comment concerning me,  I deleted the womans last name she was talking to but its visible on the facebook page. 

**I Am A Mother To An Angel Lochlain I was referring to her friend's blog which was posted by someone who does not even know me and who slandered my name despite that. I have apologized to your friend many times and always been very kind to her despite what her blog says. Nobody has been left out in the cold. She doesn't tell the whole story. The bracelets were not even due until January and I paid someone else to make them, who did not even send them all until April. Since April both my children, husband, and I have all taken turns in the hospital. All of this was explained very kindly to your friend in an update again with repeated apologies. Before you come here judging me you should know the whole story. She has caused unneeded drama in our peaceful loving community**

My friend and I were never told that they were due in January. We would never have ordered. We weren't even told that she was sending them out to someone else to do the work until February. Not one time has she slowed down her business and said hey, I'm going to get this caught up.  No its story after story after story about her life.  Put the bracelet in a envelope and mail it off.  This is not my bad, this is her bad and she really needs to learn how to run a business properly.  This Is not cuddly hearts anymore. 

People that emailed me say they are scared to comment on her page because they to have seen people comment and then deleted.  There is still this small hope we may get our items I suppose. Don't make waves.. maybe this was all a bad dream.. Oh wait no.  Our kids are all still dead.  This woman is still not giving people the things they paid for.  

Oh look she's had problems keeping her customers happy since 2011

Thursday, June 6, 2013

I am a mother of an angel (stay away from this facebook page)

I am generally a nice person.
I am generally very understanding.
I am not posting about my life right now, but instead a warning about a very shady person who takes advantage of those who've lost children.

Lets say on October 6, 2012 you ordered something from person who makes grief and remembrance stuff.  Lets say on June 6, 2013 you still didn't have that item.  How would you feel?

I got ripped off by someone on facebook and all I want to do is get the word out.  There has always been some sort of excuse as to why she couldn't get this product out to me.  2-8 weeks is the normal shipping time.  Oh, but then she had a baby so add in maternity time.  Oh but then there was holidays, here is me<<< hmm ok, I understand, things happen I get it. Then as the months go by and I'm watching her take in new orders and do specials over and over I start becoming concerned.

You would think, a normal person would go, hmm I am really behind.. NO more orders until I get this stuff out.  Normal person behaviour.  What does she do instead? Specials after specials.  I send email after email being very respectful many of which were just not answered. Another close friend is in the exact same boat.  When the owner actually replies the emails are just snappy.
  I am a customer, I paid you for a product and its been 8 months.

Every single time we email her she goes on to her facebook page and is, "woe is me. People are so mean, they don't understand I'm doing this out of the bottom of my heart."   If you write on her page asking about your stuff and you are not in the 2-8 week window your comment is deleted.  If you get at all self-righteous and actually question her, not even rude just, "Hey this has been long time now what is going on". Immediate banning of your comment privilege. You can now read but no longer able to comment on her page.  Immediately everyone on her page is comforting her, how dare they not understand.  We are so mean, so hurtful, she is so kind, she is so sweet.  No one can say anything because they no longer have the right to have a differing opinion.

I'm sorry but I see no other way around saying this.  She is a thief.  She took our money and won't give it back.  Won't give us our item.

She even went so far as to put pics up of our items in March. Its June, they are little beaded bracelets.  They would ship in a small envelope for 50 cents.

She has never stopped taking in orders.  She even started a new business.  She asks for donations over and over.
It is only ten dollars.
It's not about the money. All I wanted was her Megan's name.  All I wanted was the bracelet for my collection.  It was never about the money.  It was about taking care of your customers, being respectful and not stealing from people who only want their childs name on things.
In the long run of things, I never expect to see the money nor the product. I am however concerned that others might be in this same boat.  I am concerned that others will be ripped off by her as well.

I am a mother of an angel.
Please be vigilant and aware before you order from her.

My email
** edit
I have had a few people ask why I don't have paypal take care of it.  She smartly makes it known there is a 2-8 week shipping window.  Paypal will only let you make claim within 45 days. 

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


I feel stuck back in that day... today. I just keep flash backing to that last moment, that last time I held her on my couch.  Held her for the last time.  The weight of her in my arms, knowing the finality of what handing her over to the coroner meant.  Never again.  Never again would she nestle deep into my neck and hug me so tight.  Never again would I hear her giggle or call for me.  Never again would I see her look up at me with that gorgeous smile and love shining in her beautiful brown eyes.  I can't get the image out of my head, her wrapped in that white sheet while we all held her and said our goodbyes.  Goodbye, to my daughter.  OH I miss her so much :( Its already been to long. My heart aches so much for you today Megan. I miss you so much, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, you are always on my mind and I just miss you.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Its a new month

March was difficult.  April is going to be better.  I've committed myself to getting healthier and I'm hoping and praying that I follow through.  I know from experience that I need 2-3 weeks of being consistent for me to stay on this path.   Exercising 2-3 times a month just wasn't cutting it.

I'm going to go and cancel my gym membership that I restarted in January.  I love the gym I just cannot take Amanda there and feel good about it.  Plus I have a 400 dollar damn BOB.  It was one thing to not use it when it was freezing but its warmer now.  Amanda of course likes to scream for the 1.5 miles and then will usually settle down and be happy.  Usually it means I have to give up my phone so she can watch "Doc McStuffins"

I just emailed 20 people, my mind is mush.  I ignored pretty much any email I got concerning my blog, whatever for the month of March.  I think I'm all caught up but if you are reading this and saying hey you  never emailed me.  Let me know.  I was even emailing people from last year lol.  I have not been the best communicator but hey I'm getting old. I turn 34 on the 8th.

Well that's it for now.  Nothing to do with Megan, I realize that If I only write about my feelings with her, I'm not going to write as often.  Well see if this keeps me focused.  Would like to have one blog entry a week.  Tall orders I know.

Oh, would you like to laugh at me?

Last night while holding our ancient cat, I told my husband her eyes were as black as saucers.
He made sure I knew that the saying was, WIDE as saucers.  Then he went on ebay and looked up black teacups/saucers for me.  Probably won't hear the end of that for awhile.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

How do you come back?

How do you come back from the depths of hell?  From the darkness and the despair and the longing for death.  How much pain and sorrow can one person take?  How many times can someone stare you in the face and tell you, "they are in a better place" "these things happen for a reason" "they were to beautiful for earth" "god only gives you what you can handle"....

Losing one child is  devastating, a mind numbing choke the life out of you experience.  You have no idea how you are still breathing, still walking, still functioning when your child is no longer here.  The pain is unbearable.  How does this happen? It has been three years since I lost Megan and the pain is overwhelming still.  The fear of losing Amanda is never far from my mind.  I am in a constant state of fear even if it doesn't seem like it.  You cannot heal from this pain unless you allow yourself to live again.  You can't lock  yourself away. 

There were so many days I begged to leave this earth, I'd bury my face head first into the mattress and breathe and breathe and breathe and will myself to sleep and not wake up.  Losing your child is a losing a part of you.  My life, my heart, my joy, my everything.  Yes I have other children and yes I love them as much as I love her but this pain doesn't play fairly.

I wake up because I must.. there is no other option and three years later it is easier.  You handle things better, the pain is there but time has smoothed off some of the edges. 

Three years later I am still reeling from this nightmare.  I am surviving.   Amanda recently surpassed Megan's age of 18 months and 8 days.  She is still alive.  My husband says I need to stop worrying so much.   She is fine.  These things, they can't possibly happen twice.  No one is that unlucky. 

If I think about it, thats exactly what I said before she died.  Those things can't possibly happen to people like me.  This kind of stuff happens to other people.  I'm a good mom.  This kind of thinking is how our minds protect itself.  You cannot possibly imagine this sort of pain until its you, and the pain is real.  We are not strong because we are strong, we did not have a choice and no one ever thought to themselves... Hey I would be just fine if my child died.  I could handle it, God trusts me that much. 
No, you do it because its your life, its the only choice you have.

What happens when the unimaginable happens again?  What happens when another child dies?  How do you accept that?  Another death? How do you go on? How can you possibly find the strength  I've lost a child and my mind is numb and heartbroken and there is no way I can possibly imagine what my friend is going through right now.  Two children. 

I met Jordan as one of my baby loss mamas.  Her daughter Tess died three years ago on my wedding anniversary.  April 21.   She is among a group of ladies that I love and admire that all lost children March/April 2010 that kept me strong.

Her daughter Tess was 10 weeks old.  SIDS.  No answers, just that bandaid they put on us when they can't find a reason.   Jordan had two older girls, and she had a little boy in 2011.  A rainbow baby after the unimaginable loss.   She had another little boy, Jonesy 4 months ago.  Yesterday he went to be with Tess and preliminary autopsy reports are saying nothing was wrong. 

Of course we know final results will take a lot longer but come on, how much can one person take?   My dear sweet friend is in a dark, dark place and I wish I could pull her out of it.  Then I think to myself, if this was me, if this was Amanda.    I can't do this.  How can she? Of course she knows that everyone needs her.  We all know this but this pain this darkness this anger.  Why?

My heart is in so much pain for her.  Two children gone just like that in a span of 3 years.  How can this be?

Thursday, February 28, 2013


Why I can't I write anymore? It is so frustrating. I understand that it feels like I'm writing the same thing over and over but this is my life after...

There is still life. When the overwhelming utter sadness that swallows you whole lets you accept a little sunshine in your life...acceptance and hope enter.  Does the pain leave? No, the only thing time does is let you learn how to grieve easier, how to handle the sadness is a different way.

I recently had a mother ask me why? Why do you want to have your personal information out there?  Why share with all those people who just want to read about another persons sadness?

That person was me once upon a go.  I like many others read the misfortune and sadness that happened to other people, we kissed and hugged our children a little closer and thought, "that couldn't happen to me".   It is human nature.  It is one way to let others know that life isn't a sure thing.  Take the time to hold your babies a little closer even if other things have to pile up.
Smile, laugh, chase them around making noises, shower them with kisses because one day they may not be there anymore.  Nothing is certain.

It doesn't matter how much I worried about Megan being sick with colds and fevers.  It doesn't matter that I had the fear that I did.  It doesn't matter that she was still breastfeeding, still cosleeping, none of it mattered because she still died. Don't you get it? None of us are safe.  Its been almost three years and I still cannot bring myself to write about the hope and the  happiness because while I may accept the happiness and hope and love... My heart still misses her  unbearably and that is not my way.  I feel like If I start talking about all the hope and happiness  that the pain of missing her seems diminished, like its ok shes gone and its not ok.  Its not ok at all.

So many mothers and one father have written me and told me how much my brutal honesty have helped them, that is all I need that is why I do this.  It killed me when all I read was the hopeful posts because I felt abnormal.  I couldn't even grieve properly. What was wrong with me? Was I not religious enough? Did I not have enough faith? Did I have that much bad karma?  Why don't I feel comforted when I see rainbows? I don't feel that is Megan looking down on me, its a rainbow. Truthfully it breaks my heart thinking she might be here, watching me.  I imagine her as a toddler and not understanding my pain.  Shes just gone. She's ashes.  All I have is her memory.
How I wish I could just spend an entire day crying.  I just want to cry and cry and cry like I did and I can't anymore.  Time heals.

Eff that, Eff time.  The only thing that i appreciate is that I can tell people about Megan and not break down crying. 
Everything happens for a reason. 
Kids die.
I feel hopeless right now and I actually meant to write a happy post but as I come up on three years soon that anger and the pain is just so strong.  Lonely.  I miss her.