Thursday, February 28, 2013

why

Why I can't I write anymore? It is so frustrating. I understand that it feels like I'm writing the same thing over and over but this is my life after...

There is still life. When the overwhelming utter sadness that swallows you whole lets you accept a little sunshine in your life...acceptance and hope enter.  Does the pain leave? No, the only thing time does is let you learn how to grieve easier, how to handle the sadness is a different way.

I recently had a mother ask me why? Why do you want to have your personal information out there?  Why share with all those people who just want to read about another persons sadness?

That person was me once upon a go.  I like many others read the misfortune and sadness that happened to other people, we kissed and hugged our children a little closer and thought, "that couldn't happen to me".   It is human nature.  It is one way to let others know that life isn't a sure thing.  Take the time to hold your babies a little closer even if other things have to pile up.
Smile, laugh, chase them around making noises, shower them with kisses because one day they may not be there anymore.  Nothing is certain.

It doesn't matter how much I worried about Megan being sick with colds and fevers.  It doesn't matter that I had the fear that I did.  It doesn't matter that she was still breastfeeding, still cosleeping, none of it mattered because she still died. Don't you get it? None of us are safe.  Its been almost three years and I still cannot bring myself to write about the hope and the  happiness because while I may accept the happiness and hope and love... My heart still misses her  unbearably and that is not my way.  I feel like If I start talking about all the hope and happiness  that the pain of missing her seems diminished, like its ok shes gone and its not ok.  Its not ok at all.

So many mothers and one father have written me and told me how much my brutal honesty have helped them, that is all I need that is why I do this.  It killed me when all I read was the hopeful posts because I felt abnormal.  I couldn't even grieve properly. What was wrong with me? Was I not religious enough? Did I not have enough faith? Did I have that much bad karma?  Why don't I feel comforted when I see rainbows? I don't feel that is Megan looking down on me, its a rainbow. Truthfully it breaks my heart thinking she might be here, watching me.  I imagine her as a toddler and not understanding my pain.  Shes just gone. She's ashes.  All I have is her memory.
How I wish I could just spend an entire day crying.  I just want to cry and cry and cry like I did and I can't anymore.  Time heals.

Eff that, Eff time.  The only thing that i appreciate is that I can tell people about Megan and not break down crying. 
Everything happens for a reason. 
Kids die.
I feel hopeless right now and I actually meant to write a happy post but as I come up on three years soon that anger and the pain is just so strong.  Lonely.  I miss her.

8 comments:

Maxie's Mommy said...

I relate to this so much. My "new normal" is just surface in so many ways so, when people relate to me like I am the old me, I want to scream "Don't you know I am dying inside!". But I don't. I write it instead. Sometimes I write "happy" posts but then I worry that I am misleading people into thinking I am happy. It's complicated. I am so sorry. It's frustrating how people think that it will never happen to them. But, again, I thought that once too.

Lots of love to you. This anniversary will be hard I am sure. Of course you miss her - I know you always will.

Lorraine said...

Hi, I have been reading through your blogs and you are an inspirational lady! I lost a twin at 21 months 3 years ago and have spent so long scouring the internet for answers! This toddler sudden infant death just doesnt seem like an answer to me, maybe in time we will have another answer, I dont know! This happens to babies, not toddlers that are well!!

Lots of love to you xxx

Em said...

Just wanted to say that it's nice to hear your voice again. And to say that I totally understand the happiness within the sadness. But I am loath to write too much 'happy' because then it feels like the sad is trivialized. But sometimes (rarely) I write the happy too. Cause there is happiness but so much sadness alongside it, it's incomprehensible.
Much love, Em

Jennifer Dugan said...

I found your blog and I am struggling reading it. I lost my daughter also whose name was Megan February 24, 2013. She was a few days shy of turning 21 months. My name is Jenny... so this is hard to wrap my mind around. I found Megan in her crib last Sunday morning. So far no explanation. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you know that your blog actually does help.

I have been struggling with not wanting to forget my beautiful Megan but when I think of her, it hurts too much.

Janneth said...

Hi,

I lost my 2 year old daughter last January 3, 2013 and everyday is a struggle. I read most of your posts and this is where I am taking my strengths. I don't know how to start my life again but I hope that one day I will understand why things happened.

Jordan said...

I love your brutal honesty and I am so so sorry. Life is effin hard and I am about sick of it.

James O said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
James O said...

Thank you for you raw, heartfelt honesty.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. No parent should be left with the empty arms and shattered hearts that come with the loss of a child.

My daughter is a terminal heart patient and I can whole heartedly relate to so much of what you speak of.

My thoughts are with you.