Thursday, November 29, 2012

Closing up

I have officially become that person I hated when i first started on this grief cycle.  The person who wrote everything that I needed to hear, who felt everything I was feeling and then boom nothing.  Life went on.  Thats me now I guess. 

I miss writing.  Mostly I think i just have turned off because every damn time I write about missing my daughter I get the hearts and the hugs and I can deal with that but its the other well meaning hope you find peace, hope you talk to someone about this.  Maybe its time to go on medications etc etc.

Because you know, losing your living breathing child is  something that you should only be sad about for a couple of years.  Get over it. You're dwelling.

What I'm dwelling? How in the hell am I dwelling.  Life moved on. I didn't get to stop time, I had to move on or die myself.  People depend on me.  My family is everything.  I have quit many things in life but I would never quit living.
Grief comes in spurts.  It is 100 hundred times better now that I have Amanda.  Not because she is a replacement but she is precocious baby girl who like all little children do make you smile, make you laugh, make you appreciate all the little things in life.  Its joy that moves you forward in this grief cycle.  Without my children I would be entirely lost.  Does that mean I don't cry when I think of my daughter? I miss her, I miss everything about her.  I miss her so so so much.  It hurts.  The pain doesn't lessen, it doesn't go away you just find other ways to deal with it.  It is still overwhelming, it is still the worst thing that could have possibly ever happened but there is joy to be found in this life.

Amanda is getting so close to that age and its horrible.  Shes so cute, she just makes my heart melt.  When I start fires I place the kindling by the door and then go crumple newspapers, she proudly brings me each piece of kindling for the fire.  She sits in my lap and we both blow ( I didn't even know she could blow until the other day when she did this) to get it going.  Last night I handed her a light piece of wood and she again proudly carried it over.  I told her HOT when she got to close and she dropped it and went and sat in her chair and watched me finish up.  I walked in on her in the bathroom getting into the cupboard that wasn't locked.  She was having a grand ole time pulling out and playing with all the fingernail polishes.  I looked down at her and asked, "What are you doing?" She looked at me and smiled this big ole smirk and put it in her mouth.  I said, "I think you need pick up your mess and put that away."  She quickly stood up, grabbed a handful and threw them into the cupboard.  It was hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing.  Amanda is 14 months old now.

She is just so smart and Megan was just like this.  This was Megan a couple years ago.  My little girl was running around acting crazy like Amanda, giving kisses and blowing on things and being ornery.  Do I sleep better? No not really, its better than it was but its not what it once was.  I am not the person I was.  You don't just wake up one day and say, "you know what, not gonna worry about my kid dying today."  It doesn't happen.  Because I know that at any moment in this life something could happen.  You could lie down for a nap and never wake up again and while I will never be the person I once was it doesn't mean that I'm not better. 

We are moving next year, here is Amanda and Trixie with a clue.
 My beautiful 8 year old who is so full of mouth.  Mouth mouth mouth mouth.  Seems to the age of mouth... LOL
 Quite possibly the cutest coat and hat ever.  To bad Amanda won't actually wear hats longer than 2.4 seconds

This is what I lost. This constant joy that a toddler and baby bring.  This kind of love that should melt the coldest of hearts.  Its devastating to remember.  She was here. Doesn't feel like she was anymore, its getting harder to remember.
Megan and Emily, thankfully Amanda will keep shoes on her feet, not socks but shoes are perfectly ok.
In the picture with Amanda and Trixie, Amanda is wearing Megan's dress as seen here. For the most part I love putting her in Megan's clothes.  I have found 2 things though, that she wore one time and I just couldn't do it.  I hated seeing her wear something that was so Megan to me. 


Em said...

Wow, I was so happy to hear from you. I miss your voice. I love seeing pics of your three girls. You're the second blogger that I follow that wrote this week that their child's life was starting to feel like a dream...I'm feeling that way too some days. How is this possible when I just want her so so so badly?

Glenn said...

I too was happy to see your recent post. I wasn't sure about commenting in the past but feel compelled to do so now. For I lost my 17 year old daughter this past year. She was two weeks shy of graduating high school with two full scholarships ahead of her. I don't have any other children and at 45 don't think I will. I went through this alone as I am not married. She was my world. I miss her more than most people can imagine but somehow feel you have an idea of the immense pain I carry each and every day of my life.

Thank you for making the comment "I would never quit living." I have recently had some rather "Dark Thoughts" In todays weekly therapy my therapist said, "If this is how I feel then it may be time for a visit to the hospital voluntarily or time for medication." That scared me.

That after almost a year of grieving I had not gotten any better but in fact slipped into further depression. Reading your posting today helped a little. (thanks.)

I just don't know how to move on without the close support I really need. :-(

I have no other family and very limited friends. The ones I do have still tip-toe around the subject.

Grief does come in spurts. I'm currently going through some long cold sleepless nights which has the therapist concerned. *sigh*

I look forward to hopefully reading more soon. Much luck in your travel to Alaska! Brrr...

Many Blessings.

Mary said...

I have missed you and have been thinking about you and your girls a lot. Thank you so much for the update and for sharing all those beautiful pictures.

I just want you to know that I appreciate how real and honest you are every single time you post. I think it really shows others that they are not alone in how they feel.

I also just wanted to let you know that eventhough I never got to meet your precious Megan, I think of her often because through you she has truly touched my heart. You have done such a wonderful job of sharing your memories of that beautiful little girl that sometimes it feels like I did know her.

Glenn said...

Sent you an email to your Yahoo account the other day. Not sure if you got it. figured it might be easier than commenting on each others BLOGs. -Glenn

michelle said...

The girls are so beautiful, I am happy you have shared so much of Megan.

I think we all close up for a time then open up then close up; it's just another facet of our grief and our grief is part of who we are now and will always be. I wish others could understand that too.

Alaska wow, someday I want to see it, I think we could drive there once I eventually get my passport.
ps your dog is real cutie too! xo

mrsnice777 said...


Thanks for your post! Glad to hear from you again!!


Jenny said...

Sent a email back, yours was in my junk folder

Lisa Brautigam said...

Thanks for sharing on your blog again. I am only 7 months in after losing my 18 month old son to SUDC and while it scares me to hear how this just goes on and on like you describe, it helps to know, particularly when I am having a day where I am contemplating just going home to bed until my older kids come home, that I am not crazy for feeling this way.

Mikey Bravo said...

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. The loss of child is a really hard thing, and I still have a quiet place in my heart that I remember. I have lost siblings, and that is really hard as well.

MarcoYuliaJesseBella said...

We have so much in common it is like reading my own thoughts.. I posted on motheringdotcom about losing my 18m old daughter to a blind cord. Its been over 2yrs since I held her.. seen her' smelled her.. Just had her near! It is hard. The pain doesn't get any less. I too have since had an amazing surprise of finding i was pregnant again and if was a girl. She is 10 months now. She brings me the joy your Mandy brings you! That fresh new innocence and reminds of of memories that have become hard to remeber. I have emailed you. I used to feel so alone.. maybe i wanted fo isolate? But seeing you know some of what i feel makes me want to reach out.. this is my email name.. so please email. Anytime. Courtne

Glenn said...

Jenny you around? You have email. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenny

Thanks for sharing your story.

We too lost our son and my story about our journey is below. You may find some peace reading it.

I wish you hope and peace for the future.