Monday, July 30, 2012

Its been awhile

I stepped away from my blog for awhile.  I stopped visiting blogs all together.  Just needed a breather I guess.

Its hard to realize that it is ok for me to take a step back from my grief posts and posts about Amanda and life now.  This blog is about my life, not simply about my grief though my grief is a large part of it.  I strive to be honest and truthful and in hopes to give others comfort.  So many things we think to ourselves and know these are things we can't say out loud. 

My grief hasn't left, its huge hole that will forever be there.  My daughter died.  I miss her so much.  I punish myself by thinking that no one wants to hear about how sad I am, how much I miss her and thats not the truth. The truth is... I don't know what to say anymore.  Its just seems like its the same thing over and over.  Its frustrating.  I should be talking about her, I should be writing things down and I don't.  It almost seems like she was just a figment of my imagination. 

She wasn't of course.  She was here, and she was perfect as all children are. 

Amanda is 10 months old now.  She is now the age that Megan was when dad left to Iraq.  Thats hard, to realize that dad doesn't have any of these memories of Megan.  He remembers so little. 

I have started buying Amanda clothes that are 18 months and 24 months.  Very impressive for me.  Then in the same moment I realize that  in just a short while I will no longer have "Megan" clothes to share with her.  It sucks.

I have also had a few nights now where I woke up, looked at Amanda and went right back to sleep.  Just knew she was ok, that I didn't have to touch her.  Another huge improvement for me.

I've also been jealous lately.   Jealous of a few mamas that I know that have their "rainbow children for lack of a better term" and they are calm.  I'm jealous they don't have my crazy I guess.  It isn't that I run around all day paranoid and freaking out.  Far from it, but there are moments every single day where my heart stops.  She is so still and I just am scared that is is that the moment again.  I can't help it. I want that calmness, I want that peace again. 

Amanda is finally cutting some teeth.  She is getting her top 2 teeth in first.  Just like big sister Emily.  When I realized that she was getting those I immediately sighed, "Yes, another way she is taking after Emily and not Megan."  She sat before either of the girls did.  She crawled before either of the girls did.  She is getting her top teeth in just like Emily instead of the bottom teeth first like Megan.  So many differences and the more alike she is to Emily the more relaxed I feel.  Like getting your teeth on the bottom first is a precursor for death.  Who knew.  Brown eyes to, I've been so thankful that Amanda has Emily's blues instead of brown.  I want her to be like Megan but not at all..  Sounds stupid I know.

I'm going to try and be around a little more.  I'm very behind in my friends blogs and lives if they are not on facebook lol.


brigette said...

Glad your back! Big hugs sent your way!! I totally get what your saying in this post. I'm so sorry!

Susan said...

Welcome back.

I think it sounds like you're doing well. OK, you're nervy - but it is moving in the right direction. I am terrified of chicken pox - it makes no sense. I know most people get better. It's just how I feel. Sometimes I think our job is to embrace our nut-job-ness, and not beat ourselves up too much. We are doing good xx

marisa said...

Welcome back,

I think that we all need a break from "this life" sometimes or even a break from dwelling on it.

Thinking of you,

Mary said...

It is so good to hear from you! I have been thinking about you and your girls a lot. Thank you for being so honest and real. I know it helps other people to not feel alone in their grief. Hugs to you my friend!!!!

michelle said...

I agree with Marisa sometimes we need a break from dwelling on it and blogging can sometimes do that. I am glad your doing better,I understand the whole not not being calm thing.xoxoxo

Ashley said...

So glad to see you post!!

I totally understand everything you wrote ((hugs))

Dorthy Packer said...

It is good to take a break so don't feel bad about that. I'll tell you that I know what you're going through and that's only because I too lost a child. He was 4 years old and his death was a tragedy. I miss him too, but I promise you that there comes a time where you won't feel this grief you speak of everyday. Someone told me about a loss of child program in marion nc. You may want to check it out.

Toddler Boy said...

Welcome back, i can understand your feelings. Sometimes break is working on mind to do more activities.

Toddler Boy said...

Welcome back, i can understand your feelings. Sometimes break is working on mind to do more activities.