Saturday, June 2, 2012

PTSD

I was doing so good.
I was sleeping so well.  Both myself and the baby were completely sleeping through the night and then happened this little mishap.  I drank too much water.  I drank 130oz of water for a couple of days and in doing so, I made my milk production dramatically decrease.  Yes I know.  You're supposed to drink water to make milk, but turns out that if you drink more than 90oz of water a day you can actually decrease your milk.  Crazy right.   One of those damned if you do, damned if you don't deals. 

It took me a couple of days to figure out what was going on, 24 hours of fenugreek and I was back in business however my sleeping through the night child was now waking up 6-8 times a night.  Slowly we start getting things back to normal and what happens?

She decides that she is now a stomach sleeper.

Are you kidding me? I just spent the first 6 months of your life freaking out over every little thing especially when you are sleeping.  I finally get those crazy overwhelming "OMG SHE'S DEAD" feelings out of my head when I wake up for the 20th time to check on her and now she wants to make me even crazier?  Thats what its done.  It is like flashback city, all night long.  Megan died during a nap in the afternoon.  Why am I so "relatively" calm during nap times but so manic at night time?

I can't sleep. 
I want to so badly lay her in her crib and just sleep and I cannot.  My heart starts racing and I can't breathe and the overwhelming guilt starts weighing me down and I physically cannot do it. 
However, her right next to me is making me crazy.  I am waking a few times a hour and 1 out of 2 times she is on her stomach and she is so still and her head is placed just like Megan's and I am over come with the emotions.  I grab her and I hold her and I say "wake up wake up" " I can't do this again"  "Please"

It doesn't matter that  both Emily and Megan slept with me with no issues.  It doesn't matter than that Megan died ALONE at nap time.  I am not handling her little, "I want to sleep on my tummy phase" at all well.

2 1/2 years later and I am seriously contemplating talking to a grief counselor because not sleeping makes a not patient loving mama.  Amanda is 8 1/2 months old, she is crawling and pulling up on things and smiling and laughing and her little nose crinkles when she smiles so big that she has to closer her eyes.  Yet this, I just don't know how to do this.  I am so tired.

13 comments:

Monica said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I've been following your blog for quite a while and I never understood why you were so against talking to someone about what you're dealing with. People talk to professionals about MUCH less significant things every day and even if you get the smallest help from it, it would be worth it right? I've talked to counselors before. There is definitely no shame in it. I hope you can find some way to sleep better soon, because I agree with you - it's so hard to function when you have young kids and you're not getting enough sleep. Good luck!!

Susan said...

Oh Jenny - so sorry to read you're having a rubbish time.

As you know, I've just been back to the doctor to see about the possibility of speaking to a professional. I think it is probably common to think of it at around our stage - the thing is, I think it is normal at this point (or typical, if you like) to still be having significant problems with our children dying. I actually don't think either of us are as troubled as we were - but it is exhausting that it keeps on going on and on. Am off back to the doctor to see what professional help he has figured out on Thursday - as you know, so far, our "chats" haven't really been helping things!

Being tired is awful. You need to bear in mind that it alters your perspective, and you might feel things are worse than they really are. You've been doing really well till so recently - I think we both have. This is just a hiccup - and I am convinced things will fall back into place soon.

I would try and focus on finding some practical solutions that help until your head settles down. If you are more relaxed in the day time nap, can someone else take Emily and let you sleep then? If I was close by, I would offer to come over and watch Amanda sleep, so that you can relax for a while. Is there anyone nearby who could do that?

I think it is natural that you're freaking about the front sleeping. After all, for the first 6 months you were really focused on this good advice to minimise her SIDS risk. Now she can turn over, I think you need to train your brain to the idea that it no longer applies - it is fine for her to sleep on her front.

I think what people forget is - we are not dealing with something that happened 2 years plus ago - we have had so much to deal with since then. Having a new baby and being filled with anxiety that they wouldn't make it is a terrible thing for us to have lived through. I remember in the early weeks, not wanting to buy next stage up clothes, in case she died before she got to wear them. I remember you had similar thoughts. That, just that in itself, is a bloody horrible thing to live through. No wonder we are still a bit screwed up!

Anyway that was a bit of ramble..

Jayden's Mommy said...

Im sorry, after loosing our boy during a nap. For the next 3 months I will wake up and shake my girls because they sleep so deeply it seems like they are not breathing I have a 18 month and 3 year old. My husband is completely against looking for help but everyone copes differently. Your feelings are normal. My friend who loss her daughter at 2 years old tells me all the time that your fear for your other children never goes away its just learning how to live with it. I have zoom cameras in my girls room now and I can see if they are moving because Im terrify. Specially with the doctors telling me my son was at the bottom list of risk for SIDS. Many huggs and hopefully it gets better.

Monica said...

I'm sorry you are struggling so much! I wish you peace and hope you can be lead to the help you need.

Much love,
Monica

marisa said...

Jenny,
I think that what you are experiencing is normal and to be expected. Even though two and a half years seems like an eternity without our children, I think that you have come a long way. Be kind to yourself and what you are feeling. If you do decide to speak to somone, I hope that they can give you some techniques or strategies to get throug those tough days, minutes or even seconds.

Thinking of you,
Marisa

mrsnice777 said...

((((hugz))))

Jamie

Tiffany said...

thinking of you. i understand. our little one has decided that she loves rolling onto her stomach when she sleeps. so i refuse to let her sleep alone right now. i have had a few moments where i have walked out of the room for a sec, and come back to see her face down, and panic. :(

michelle said...

I think I will always be terrified my child may die now. It is just a harsh reality for us. Even if I make it through to a healthy rainbow I will be peranoid now of everything else like SIDS, strepdicocal pneumonia etc etc I wish you some peace and comfort and a way to battle these fears everyday.xo

Jordan said...

Reading this made me so sad. Saylor only sleeps on his stomach too and at first I was a complete nervous wreck. I will think I am doing really good too and then something will bring back all those fears and feelings. With me I think he is so big, so healthy, I shouldn't be worried. Just a couple of night ago he had fallen asleep on the couch and I was on the computer and doing laundry. I looked over at him and he looked dead to me. I almost threw up and started just bawling my head off. I am so sorry. This stuff is dang hard. I am terrified how I will be with the new baby too. I feel the same way. I am so tired. I don't know if I have it in me again, to constantly check and worry about an infant. The flashbacks are the worst. Hang in there sweetie.

Ashley said...

I was the exact same way. I finally went on meds to help because i was not sleeping at all (for 8 months!). Now I still think about what would/could happen but I don't check on him consistently throughout the night.

I feel your pain, it is horrible. those moments in the night where you think you are finding another child lifeless is scary and terrible.

Thinking of you ((hugs))

brigette said...

Im so sorry! It makes perfect sense why you would feel this way though. I hope you can find some peace and some sleep very soon!! Praying for some calm days for you! Big hugs

Kathy said...

My saving grace.. The angel care monitor.. I swear the only thing that actually gives me some peace of mind, and at least partly erases that blinding fear each time you walk into the bedroom. I still have it and I'm on my third baby since my Bella died, almost 10 years ago. I still need it.

Constance said...

Firstly, I am so very sorry about your daughter, Megan. So very very sorry. 

Secondly, perhaps the item below could give you a little peace of mind. 

C. 

http://www.amazon.com/Snuza-Halo-Baby-Movement-Monitor/dp/B002ITOC7S

Product Description
Peace of Mind at the Press of a Button
Superior Sensor: Placed next to baby's abdomen, detects even the slightest irregularity in breathing
Snuza Halo detects even the slightest movement and will alert you if your baby's movements are very weak or fall to less than 8 movements per minute. 
If no movement at all is detected for a period of 15 seconds, Halo will vibrate gently. Often this vibration is enough to rouse the baby, and Halo will revert to monitoring mode. 
After three vibration/rouse incidents, the Rouse Warning will alert you to the fact that your baby's movements have stopped for 15 seconds on three occasions. 
If no further movement is detected for another 5 seconds, an alarm will sound to alert you.
-Small - fits onto baby's diaper
-Portable
-Easy-to-use
-Vibration stimulation after 15 seconds
-Rouse Warning
-Audible alarm after 20 seconds
-Movement-rate Indicator to warn about weak or infrequent movement
Snuza safely and conveniently monitors your baby's every movement. 
Clip the Snuza onto the waistband of your baby's diaper and switch on. 
The flexible sensor detects your baby's tummy movement. 
A built-in vibrating stimulator on the Halo model gently rouses baby 15 seconds after movement stops. 
If there is still no movement after 20 seconds, an alarm will sound to alert you to take immediate action. 
Snuza can be used in conjunction with a baby sound or video monitor so that it can be heard in another room. 
Snuza monitors are particularly useful for co-sleeping twins and multiples, where an under-mattress monitor is not effective. 
Snuza is the only type of movement monitor that can be used if baby is sleeping in your bed.
Kit Includes:
SNUZATM Halo baby movement monitor with award-winning infant health care information 
Instruction manual
1-877-737-9677
Made in South Africa
Please Note: This item has been built to U.S.