Monday, May 7, 2012

I had to post

I have not been able to write in so long.  I have all of a sudden become a shut in with my emotions.  I talk to nobody, share with no one. 
I am losing my mind.  It is not healthy road I am on.  I still talk about Megan of course but my emotions, my pain, my suffering, my worries, and my fears are weighing heavily on my mind.  I find myself desperately wishing I had someone to talk to, but everyone that I talked to is gone or I no longer wish to share with them any longer. 

I don't want to write.  I don't want to talk.  I even thought to myself, maybe its time to go see a counselor.  Least I'd have someone who would want to listen to me, and anyone who knows me or read this blog knows that I'm not at all for therapy lol.  I'm not trying to sound cryptic or depressed just trying to be honest. 

I miss Megan so much.  Its like she was never here, just a figment in every ones imagination.  I keep finding myself, telling myself, yes she was here.  She was here.   I have 3 girls.  I never have to worry about the dreaded middle child syndrome because she is already gone.  2 years later it still hurts so much.  Its better.  Still hurts though. 

In other news Amanda is 7 months.  She is growing like a weed, getting so big.  She isn't crawling yet but finally able to sit up on her own.  She gets on all fours and pushes backwards.  I enjoy watching her do her push ups, and she has pulled herself up standing 3 times now. 

Amanda pretty much gets whatever she wants, whenever she wants.  Its pretty hard to deny her anything.  The saying, "They are only little for so long" runs through our mind all the time.  Would not want to have any regrets if the unimaginable were to happen again right.

A sleeping baby, I miss how that was a comfort.  Now that she is 7 months old its easier but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at her and wonder.  "Is she breathing?"  She has taken to sleeping on her stomach, no matter how hard I try to keep her on her back, on her her side.. none of it works.   I find myself unable to sleep at night because shes on her stomach.  It takes every bit of will power that I have to close my eyes and find sleep again.  It isn't like it was in the beginning.  I don't wake up in a cold sweat with the knowledge she is dead anymore but there is always that moment when I wake up that I immediately go to her back and if I don't immediately see a movement, I touch her, I move her, anything for a response before I am able to relax again. 

It isn't every single time, there are some wake ups that I look at her and push down those fears and just fall back asleep.  Sometimes I just look to make sure she is in a safe position and fall back asleep.  Some nights are worse than others.   It is just the road that I am on now.   Amanda keeps me busy, she brings me immense joy, she is healing and she is also terrifying.   I imagine that as she gets closer to Megan's age the fears and desperation will get worse but for now I will take these better wakening, these times where I can take a breath and relax.

There are so many things that worry me and without a answer to Megan's death it just jumbles in my head.  I'm being very selective and delaying immunizations for Amanda.  She received hib, pcv and I think that is all she is going to get at least for awhile. 

 February 9, 2010 Megan received her MMR.  March 9, 2010 she received her DPAT.  A 'side effect' of DPAT is SIDS.  So many things were just wrong.  She shouldn't have been given a vaccination so close to being as sick as she had been.  A week prior she had double ear infections, and possible  pneumonia.  That initial autopsy, where the coroner called me after she performed it, she said she had cloudy fluid around her heart and her brain was slightly enlarged.  The cloudy fluid around her heart was never mentioned in the final autopsy report.  I don't know why and have been wondering about it in the last few weeks.  I have to do what feels right to me, thankfully everyone has been supportive. 


Cheresa said...

I feel your pain my heart is broken and I don't know if it will ever be able to mend. I miss my daughter do much I never knew you could miss someone so much. I'm so sick of people saying they are praying for me and they miss her too I guess that's me being selfish because I'm like really do you guys really miss her as much as I do???!! Of course they don't but people jut don't know what to say I guess.....sometimes I don't even think its real and I wait for her to come in my room dancing or saying mom Mikey hit me oh how I would give anything to hear her raspy voice again or hug her and kiss her. It's so hard for me to blog because the tears just pour down my face. My only baby girl taken from me why???!!! I just want to call God and say give her back to me please!!!! So many children are beaten and mis treated and they have to stay in that home with these crazy parents my daughter had a super life why was it cut to only 8 years???!! Just know your not alone......

Rebecca said...

I'm sorry for both of you ladies. I lost my son Toby in August 2010. I also feel like I have few people left to talk to. Many people I don't want to share with anymore because I feel like they twist what I say or just want to play therapist.

@Cheresa- I understand this about feeling a little selfish. There are people in my life who say they love and miss my son and they only met him once or never at all. It makes me angry sometimes.

Tiffany said...

((hugs)) i understand.

Angela said...

Thinking of you.

When B was a few months old - in January - I went to counseling. I didn't think it was for me, but it's helped so much with my anxiety and sadness. I go every week, wish I would've started sooner.

Ashley said...

My baby had shots the morning he died, not sure what ones though. but I do believe they had SOMETHING to do with...whether the government/doctors/whomever doesn't agree.

Thinking of you ((Hugs)) I know the loneliness feeling. i think people just move on and get sick of hearing me complain or talk about Beckett...I am not ready to move on and nor will I ever.

I understand all this completely.

michelle said...

I dont talk to other people that much either about my grief or what happened -in fact not at all in real life just on blogger. There isnt anyone in my real life that can really listen without feel extremely uncomfortable, even those close just want to put it behind them. I am so tired of the silent pause when I say Jack's name. As mothers we cannot, we will not deny our children or their memmory. Every experience even the traumatic ones with our child counts and is important to us. xo

Mary said...

Thank you for sharing how you feel with us and thank you for sharing the photos of your beautiful girls.

I have been thinking about you and your girls a lot and praying for you. I am so very sorry.

I don't have the right words, but I am so very sorry that your beautiful Megan is not here with her beautiful sisters.

I want you to know that if I was near you, I would be there in a heartbeat to listen if you wanted.



marisa said...

I can relate to the not wanting to talk to people or even write about your feelings. I almost want to put them in a box that I can open at my own time. My husband and I saw a greif therapist when Bella first passed. She was a bereived parent as well and I feel that it made it easier for me to open up to her. I have not seen her for a while but think that I am in need of going back.

I am sorry that these days have been difficult and I can only imagine the fear that you have with when Amanda approaches that age. As for spoiling your children, I think that is to be expected. I am always here if you need someone to listen.


Susan said...

Oh well, at least we're either normal - or all as crazy as each other :) I had been thinking maybe I ought to see a therapist too - even though I found it pretty useless before, and can't imagine it will help much now either.

I think most people are accustomed to Catherine being dead now - even immediate family (with the exception of her Daddy of course) - and that does leave you pretty much on your own. I think the other problem is - what can I say - I've said it all before. The words feel tired. The answers are all the same.

I reckon we need a change of tact - lets go out drinking instead :)

Jayden's Mommy said...

Im sorry. I feel the same way its only been 3 months and it feels like it was yesterday. Right now i cant even blog because i posted those pictures and just looking at them I start crying. I have Kylie who is older at 20 months but she sleeps so soundly i have woken her up some many times but im so terrify and worry. People say oh it cant happen but there is no guarantee. There was nothing with my baby that the ME could blame it on. The doctors told me he was on the least risk pool and still it happens. Im sorry.

Stacey said...

Jenny, I'm exactly where you are...I feel like i have nothing left to write about or talk about...and really no one offers to talk about Blake. I mention him non stop, but I rarely get the "how are you really doing" question anymore. I wish I could open up more, but for now i feel myself completely bottling all emotions.

You are not alone in your feelings...


I love seeing Emily & Amanda together...their smiles make me smile every time :)

I'm a far better listener than talker...Would love to pick up the phone for you!

brigette said...

I'm so sorry!! I totally get this!! I hate that you know this pain! I'm here to listen you can vent any time!! My email is if you want to chat. I can give you my number also. Praying for you!!

Laura said...

I know I don't have the right words, but just wanted to let you know that I am here and reading, if you ever want to chat. I'm sorry you have to go through this pain. I am beginning to realize how fearful I am going to be when I have a baby, but confronting those fears will be easier than not having another child at all. It is good that you have so many people here who understand what you're going through.