Thursday, February 23, 2012

A little bit of everything

Its almost 2 years now.  2 years since I've held my baby girl in my arms.  I'm so so so thankful that the memories of that day has faded.  I'm sure having Amanda helps with that, keeping me busy and my mind off things.   It doesn't stop the fear of seeing Amanda sleeping so soundly.  I fight the screams that want to claw out of my throat every time I see her so lifeless.
It has gotten better.  I do see her as staying around now.  I mentioned that I am starting to buy clothes that are a little bigger than her, its true.  Yet its also true that I will only buy one size bigger, I haven't progressed that much.  I saw the cutest 12 month dress at the GoodWill and just couldn't do it.  Even if it was only $1.99. 

I can't remember the last time I went to bed hoping I didn't wake up and I know that has to do with Amanda.  Babies are so demanding lol, she keeps me busy and more importantly she brings back some of that simple joy.   Emily, oh Emily is just 7 going on 18.   She is so fun, so smart, she comes up with these crazy awesome art projects all the time.  Then she turns around and has a tantrum worthy of a 3 year old.  Comes with the territory I suppose.  Talking with my friends seems to be a age/phase thing, which makes me feel so so much better. 

Sometimes I just stare at her.  She is so pretty and has this smile that lights up a room. 
It is so unfair that  Megan is gone.  Everyone knows how unfair it is to lose a child.  Every parents worst nightmare.  Children are not supposed to die before you.
Yet she did.  She died and we miss her.  We miss her so much.  Emily has been talking about her a lot and in some ways I find myself getting annoyed with her.  She makes up memories.  I want to fix her but she is the only one I can count on to mention her all the time.  It doesn't seem right to tell her no Em your memories are so wrong.  She was just 5.  I try and give her other memories when she is making them up.  I wish I could just make all the pain better for her.

We recently signed up for a contest.  We had to write in 100 words or less why I thought we deserved to win.  That was the hardest thing ever to do.  Why would we deserve it more than anyone else? Everybody goes through hardships and I don't think we deserve to win more than anyone else.  Not that I wouldn't be excited beyond excited if we win.  Emily would be so happy.  She has never been to the Great Wolf Lodge, and it seems like all of her friends have.  In a 7 year olds mind.  You remember don't you?  Your world view is so small and innocent when you are a child.  I will be over the moon if we win.  I can only imagine the excitement of going down her first water slide and Mom will be right next to her. Oh yea.  Last year I was so bummed that I was pregnant because I couldn't take her on the big kids rides and she was finally big enough for them.  Shes just like me, I know she will love it.  Dad...... not really a flip me around, upside down kind of thrill seeker. 

Dad and Emily and Amanda have both been sick.  I have skated by thanking my lucky stars, assuming I was skating by because of my daily apple consumption.  You know, "A apple a day keeps the doctor away" adage.  Dad is sick with a 3 week long sinus infection, baby is sick with a congestion, fussy kind of thing.  Emily had the sinus infection and then got nailed with 2 stomach viruses back to back.  Finally my immune system said, "NO more."  Sick.  The stomach.  Oh so very  miserable and its so unfair how mommy's don't get to give up on the world and have no responsibility's like everyone else when they are sick.  Oh well, whats a mom to do? Suck it up and carry on :)

I also wanted to mention that if you wanted to ask a question an did not get the chance, go ahead and head down to that blog post and ask it.  Once I have a couple more, I will make a new answer thread.  :)
Amanda was baptized on her 5 month (birthday) lol. She did great :) She wore the gown her sister Emily wore.  The gown was also worn by her grandpa and his two sisters.  Very old, very beautiful, so glad that my children shared a part in wearing it.

Like a typical 5 month old.  Everything goes to the mouth.  She loves chewing on apple slices and carrots and peas.

Emily getting ready to hop into the pool
 Sweet baby girl Megan. How I miss you so so much.  That smile of yours, that laugh..  It just hurts so much with you gone.  I love you and miss you.

Saturday, February 18, 2012


Sorry its taken me so long to back here, for a few days I was locked out of blogger and then just didn't have the time :)

From Susan
How do you think Megan's death will affect Amanda (if at all, that is)?

I'm not really sure, I really hope she never thinks of herself as having to take Megan's place. I hope that she will be able to look at pictures and know that is her sister. Its so hard since she will never know her except through pictures and our words.  I want her to know about her sister and I will talk about her.  I have a baby photo album already that has pictures of her sisters for her.

From Anonymous
What will you do to help Amanda "get to know" Megan? What will you tell her about Megan? Also, do you want more children?

 I will just show her pictures and talk about her.  I will tell her that she had a sister that died before she was born.  I will tell her whatever I remember at that point in the conversation.  Maybe It will be about how she loved to smile, how she liked to do the politician/beauty pageant wave, how she hated things on her feet.   She won't be something I keep hidden away from her. 
We don't want any more children.  We were done with Megan, we knew we always wanted two, but I had such a difficult time accepting the permanent nature of a vasectomy that I just couldn't let him do it.  Thankfully it made it so we were able to have Amanda easily.  I had two miscarriages after Megan died and my pregnancy with Amanda wasn't hard but it wasn't as easy as the other two were.  I just feel done, even if something were to happen now.

From Marisa
Was it a hard decision for you to have another child after Megan's death? Did the stress make it harder for you to get pregnant right away?

It took me I think 2  months to decide that I wanted another baby and I wanted one sooner rather than later.  I was lucky enough to conceive  right away but I ended up miscarrying twice.  I had never experienced something  like that so when I got pregnant with Amanda it was even more scary for me.  I spent the entire pregnancy worrying, was never really able to relax.   Its hard to make the decision to have another because you don't want them to be a replacement.  Nothing can replace those we lost, but there is always room in your heart to love another child and they bring so much so joy and happiness.  I was healing before Amanda was born, but after she was born I noticed that I stopped wishing that I could just die in my sleep.  Wasn't something that happened a lot but its something I recently noticed I don't think about when I lay down anymore.  The emotions and fears of having Amanda were so strong, I did kind of keep her at arms length for a few weeks because I just couldn't believe she would stay with us.  She is 5 months old and I'm just now buying her clothes that are to big for her; whereas I was only buying stuff that would fit her in the present.   Sounds sort of silly but for me its a large concession in the belief that hey she might actually stick around.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Lisa's Hawaiian

My friend Lisa is having a give-away on her page.  Come on over and check her out and "like" her on facebook for a chance to win.  She does beautiful work and is one of the sweetest ladies I know :)

It's time for a GIVE-A-WAY again!! Time starts now, ends tomorrow (Thurs) night at 10pm. 3 winners names will be posted & receive an Island Keeper jar & photo. IK jars are described & photographed on my blog. Just click "Like" here & please leave a little note if you'd like. I love hearing from you ~ Lisa


I figured I would do a ask and answer post.  Ask me anything  you want and I will answer :)