Thursday, February 23, 2012

A little bit of everything

Its almost 2 years now.  2 years since I've held my baby girl in my arms.  I'm so so so thankful that the memories of that day has faded.  I'm sure having Amanda helps with that, keeping me busy and my mind off things.   It doesn't stop the fear of seeing Amanda sleeping so soundly.  I fight the screams that want to claw out of my throat every time I see her so lifeless.
It has gotten better.  I do see her as staying around now.  I mentioned that I am starting to buy clothes that are a little bigger than her, its true.  Yet its also true that I will only buy one size bigger, I haven't progressed that much.  I saw the cutest 12 month dress at the GoodWill and just couldn't do it.  Even if it was only $1.99. 

I can't remember the last time I went to bed hoping I didn't wake up and I know that has to do with Amanda.  Babies are so demanding lol, she keeps me busy and more importantly she brings back some of that simple joy.   Emily, oh Emily is just 7 going on 18.   She is so fun, so smart, she comes up with these crazy awesome art projects all the time.  Then she turns around and has a tantrum worthy of a 3 year old.  Comes with the territory I suppose.  Talking with my friends seems to be a age/phase thing, which makes me feel so so much better. 

Sometimes I just stare at her.  She is so pretty and has this smile that lights up a room. 
It is so unfair that  Megan is gone.  Everyone knows how unfair it is to lose a child.  Every parents worst nightmare.  Children are not supposed to die before you.
Yet she did.  She died and we miss her.  We miss her so much.  Emily has been talking about her a lot and in some ways I find myself getting annoyed with her.  She makes up memories.  I want to fix her but she is the only one I can count on to mention her all the time.  It doesn't seem right to tell her no Em your memories are so wrong.  She was just 5.  I try and give her other memories when she is making them up.  I wish I could just make all the pain better for her.

We recently signed up for a contest.  We had to write in 100 words or less why I thought we deserved to win.  That was the hardest thing ever to do.  Why would we deserve it more than anyone else? Everybody goes through hardships and I don't think we deserve to win more than anyone else.  Not that I wouldn't be excited beyond excited if we win.  Emily would be so happy.  She has never been to the Great Wolf Lodge, and it seems like all of her friends have.  In a 7 year olds mind.  You remember don't you?  Your world view is so small and innocent when you are a child.  I will be over the moon if we win.  I can only imagine the excitement of going down her first water slide and Mom will be right next to her. Oh yea.  Last year I was so bummed that I was pregnant because I couldn't take her on the big kids rides and she was finally big enough for them.  Shes just like me, I know she will love it.  Dad...... not really a flip me around, upside down kind of thrill seeker. 

Dad and Emily and Amanda have both been sick.  I have skated by thanking my lucky stars, assuming I was skating by because of my daily apple consumption.  You know, "A apple a day keeps the doctor away" adage.  Dad is sick with a 3 week long sinus infection, baby is sick with a congestion, fussy kind of thing.  Emily had the sinus infection and then got nailed with 2 stomach viruses back to back.  Finally my immune system said, "NO more."  Sick.  The stomach.  Oh so very  miserable and its so unfair how mommy's don't get to give up on the world and have no responsibility's like everyone else when they are sick.  Oh well, whats a mom to do? Suck it up and carry on :)

I also wanted to mention that if you wanted to ask a question an did not get the chance, go ahead and head down to that blog post and ask it.  Once I have a couple more, I will make a new answer thread.  :)
Amanda was baptized on her 5 month (birthday) lol. She did great :) She wore the gown her sister Emily wore.  The gown was also worn by her grandpa and his two sisters.  Very old, very beautiful, so glad that my children shared a part in wearing it.

Like a typical 5 month old.  Everything goes to the mouth.  She loves chewing on apple slices and carrots and peas.

Emily getting ready to hop into the pool
 Sweet baby girl Megan. How I miss you so so much.  That smile of yours, that laugh..  It just hurts so much with you gone.  I love you and miss you.


Mary said...

Beautiful, beautiful girls!!!! Thank you so much for sharing!!!
Hope you feel better soon:)

michelle said...

Awww what cuties! I hope you feel better soon too.xo

Melissa said...

I'm glad that you're feeling more like Amanda is going to stay.

I hope you win your contest!

Susan said...

Amanda is going to stay. I think we forget just cos it happened before, although it is no less likely to happen than it did before, we were bloody unlucky before.

Anyway, I'm feeling reasonably optimistic. So if you see any more cute $1.99 dresses, you could always buy them for Madeleine :)

Amanda really looks like Megan in those pics, don't you think?

Ashley said...

Time moves too fast.

Amanda is DARLING!

rebecca said...

So beautiful...and so glad to hear the pain is dulling a bit and you're experiencing more moments of joy with your girls. Hope you guys win the contest, you definitely deserve it!

Em said...

You have three very beautiful daughters.