Saturday, February 18, 2012


Sorry its taken me so long to back here, for a few days I was locked out of blogger and then just didn't have the time :)

From Susan
How do you think Megan's death will affect Amanda (if at all, that is)?

I'm not really sure, I really hope she never thinks of herself as having to take Megan's place. I hope that she will be able to look at pictures and know that is her sister. Its so hard since she will never know her except through pictures and our words.  I want her to know about her sister and I will talk about her.  I have a baby photo album already that has pictures of her sisters for her.

From Anonymous
What will you do to help Amanda "get to know" Megan? What will you tell her about Megan? Also, do you want more children?

 I will just show her pictures and talk about her.  I will tell her that she had a sister that died before she was born.  I will tell her whatever I remember at that point in the conversation.  Maybe It will be about how she loved to smile, how she liked to do the politician/beauty pageant wave, how she hated things on her feet.   She won't be something I keep hidden away from her. 
We don't want any more children.  We were done with Megan, we knew we always wanted two, but I had such a difficult time accepting the permanent nature of a vasectomy that I just couldn't let him do it.  Thankfully it made it so we were able to have Amanda easily.  I had two miscarriages after Megan died and my pregnancy with Amanda wasn't hard but it wasn't as easy as the other two were.  I just feel done, even if something were to happen now.

From Marisa
Was it a hard decision for you to have another child after Megan's death? Did the stress make it harder for you to get pregnant right away?

It took me I think 2  months to decide that I wanted another baby and I wanted one sooner rather than later.  I was lucky enough to conceive  right away but I ended up miscarrying twice.  I had never experienced something  like that so when I got pregnant with Amanda it was even more scary for me.  I spent the entire pregnancy worrying, was never really able to relax.   Its hard to make the decision to have another because you don't want them to be a replacement.  Nothing can replace those we lost, but there is always room in your heart to love another child and they bring so much so joy and happiness.  I was healing before Amanda was born, but after she was born I noticed that I stopped wishing that I could just die in my sleep.  Wasn't something that happened a lot but its something I recently noticed I don't think about when I lay down anymore.  The emotions and fears of having Amanda were so strong, I did kind of keep her at arms length for a few weeks because I just couldn't believe she would stay with us.  She is 5 months old and I'm just now buying her clothes that are to big for her; whereas I was only buying stuff that would fit her in the present.   Sounds sort of silly but for me its a large concession in the belief that hey she might actually stick around.


MrsH said...

I agree with the fact that once you start buying stuff for the future it is a good sign that you have come to accept that they will stick around. When Emma was born, I gave away some of the clothes that were meant for 12 months and over thinking that I didn't need to store them for one full year (they were received as handmedowns). I now look for clothes for one year from now in the handmedown pile. Good times...

Tiffany said...

Thank you for being so open and honest and answering those questions. Your answer to the last question really resonates with me. I have found that I also no longer wish to just pass away like I used to. I have my moments but they are much less frequent. Our babies give us a reason to keep going when we just want to be with our angels. I also understand what you mean about buying clothes. I have not been able to buy her any clothes. Luckily we've been blessed with people who bought us tons of clothes for her. But we have a lot of older sized clothes which I haven't even washed and just shoved into the back of my closet because I just can't picture her needing them. I have a few months to get passed the age Julius was when he left us and then maybe I can breathe a bit easier. :(

marisa said...

Thanks for answering such personal questions. Your honesty is always appreciated.

Susan said...

Yes - I initially did the clothes thing too... but it disappeared quite quickly.

I find it hard to get my head around how our children might be bereaved, and what we do about it. One of my friends had a baby after her son died - who is now 3. She's recently started to get upset that she never knew her dead sibling whilst everyone else in the family did. Difficult stuff, ain't it? x