Not only have we lost our children, not only do we get to spend a life time with our grief and what ifs, we also have all lost our innocence.
For awhile I started thinking that children past 18 months don't live. I waited every day for the call that something happened to my nephew. Every time I see a child that should be her age now I just think, "how did this happen, how did these children grow?" I am saddened that I don't get to experience any more life with Megan. It still doesn't always feel real.
A friend of mine that lost her son, recently wrote and told me the older her daughter is getting the more its freaking her out. I can totally understand that. There is going to be this bridge we have to get over. That magical age that our other children didn't pass. While I spend many moments obsessively worrying over Amanda its gotten much better as the months go by. I have a feeling though that closer to 1 year I will start living like every day may be her last. I don't think its something I will be able to stop.
I want my innocence back. I want to be able to look at Amanda and look away.
I can't. I look at her, then I look at her chest. I look for the rise and the fall and the rise and the fall. Then I look again to make sure it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me. It isn't simple. It isn't a quick glance. I am always remembering looking up from where I was sitting and seeing Megan. Seeing that her back was not rising and falling. Knowing that I turned away and told myself to stop being paranoid, then looking again and again not seeing the rise and fall. Its something I never want to see again.
I like it when she has her pacifier in her mouth because its easier to just move the pacifier and if she starts sucking... well I know she's alive then.
I bought something for her today that is 12 months. I kept seeing all of these 18 months old clothes today and I just can't do it. I can't really envision her at Megan's age. I don't know if I want to. I think that January/February/March 2013 is going to be extremely hard on me.
It also means she will no longer be able to wear Megan's clothes. She will have surpassed her sister in everything. Right now I can still compare. All moms compare their children even though you really aren't supposed to. Both Megan and Emily were late sitters. They would just not sit still to sit. Amanda is already sitting better than they did at 5 months. The emotions sometimes are just so unforgiving. I just want to scream and there is just no point in it anymore.
I thought I wouldn't want to share Megan's clothes with Amanda but I have found that to be completely opposite. I simply cannot wait to put Amanda in Megan's clothes. I love it. Then I feel guilty because there should be things off limits. Special things that I keep protected and safe and in memory. I feel so guilty for wanting her to wear these things, whether Megan wore them or not (because there a a lot of things I had that were older or brand new). I read on another friends blog that its ok. Sisters share clothes.
How true is that? How comforting is that?! Sisters share clothes. It is ok.
I do still feel like certain things should be off limits so I'm not sure how I will work this out. Luckily I only have a few things that are Amanda's size right now. One of them is a onesie. Thing 2. That I cannot put on her. She is not Thing 2. She is Thing 3. Do they even make that as a shirt lol?
I envy my friends that are able to be calm during a cold. A simple cold. Nothing is simple in my mind anymore. A cold can be a warning sign, is she this? Is she that? What about this? What about that? It isn't simple. There are times where my mind is screaming, and I just repeat to myself. She is ok, it is a simple cold. She is ok. Megan had colds. Megan had so many colds at the end. Megan had so many fevers at the end. OMG Megan died and now Amanda has a fever. OMG Amanda has a cold.
Its a battle that I know I'm not going to win.
Someone asked me if I felt like she was going to have something happen to her like I did with Megan. I don't. I really don't but that doesn't alleviate my fears or anxiety at all. This is my reality. This is my normal. Nothing is simple.
These are things that go on in the back of your mind. Its just like the grief, were still functioning, still even somewhat enjoying life but my worries and fears are multiplied and I'm always pushing them down and away.
My girls are sisters. I have 3 girls. I am not looking forward to the 10th of this month.