Saturday, March 3, 2012

Never Simple Again

Not only have we lost our children, not only do we get to spend a life time with our grief and what ifs, we also have all lost our innocence.

For awhile I started thinking that children past 18 months don't live.  I waited every day for the call that something happened to my nephew.  Every time I see a child that should be her age now I just think, "how did this happen, how did these children grow?"  I am saddened that I don't get to experience any more life with Megan.  It still doesn't always feel real. 
A friend of mine that lost her son, recently wrote and told me the older her daughter is getting the more its freaking her out.  I can totally understand that.  There is going to be this bridge we have to get over.  That magical age that our other children didn't pass.  While I spend many moments obsessively worrying over Amanda its gotten much better as the months go by.  I have a feeling though that closer to 1 year I will start living like every day may be her last.  I don't think its something I will be able to stop.

I want my innocence back.  I want to be able to look at Amanda and look away. 
I can't.  I look at her, then I look at her chest.  I look for the rise and the fall and the rise and the fall.   Then I look again to make sure it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me.  It isn't simple.  It isn't a quick glance. I am always remembering looking up from where I was sitting and seeing Megan.  Seeing that her back was not rising and falling.  Knowing that I turned away and told myself to stop being paranoid, then looking again and again not seeing the rise and fall.  Its something I never want to see again.
  I like it when she has her pacifier in her mouth because its easier to just move the pacifier and if she starts sucking... well I know she's alive then.

I bought something for her today that is 12 months.  I kept seeing all of these 18 months old clothes today and I just can't do it.  I can't really envision her at Megan's age.  I don't know if I want to.  I think that January/February/March 2013 is going to be extremely  hard on me. 
It also means she will no longer be able to wear Megan's clothes.  She will have surpassed her sister in everything.  Right now I can still compare.  All moms compare their children even though you really aren't supposed to.  Both Megan and Emily were late sitters.  They would just not sit still to sit.  Amanda is already sitting better than they did at 5 months.  The emotions sometimes are just so unforgiving. I just want to scream and there is just no point in it anymore. 

I thought I wouldn't want to share Megan's clothes with Amanda but I have found that to be completely opposite.  I simply cannot wait to put Amanda in Megan's clothes.  I love it.  Then I feel guilty because there should be things off limits.  Special things that I keep protected and safe and in memory.  I feel so guilty for wanting her to wear these things, whether Megan wore them or not (because there a a lot of things I had that were older or brand new).  I read on another friends blog that its ok.  Sisters share clothes.
How true is that? How comforting is that?!  Sisters share clothes.  It is ok.
I do still feel like certain things should be off limits so I'm not sure how I will work this out.  Luckily I only have a few things that are Amanda's size right now.  One of them is a onesie.  Thing 2.  That I cannot put on her.  She is not Thing 2.  She is Thing 3.  Do they even make that as a shirt lol?

I envy my friends that are able to be calm during a cold.  A simple cold.  Nothing is simple in my mind anymore.  A cold can be a warning sign, is she this? Is she that? What about this? What about that? It isn't simple.  There are times where my mind is screaming, and I just repeat to myself.  She is ok, it is a simple cold.  She is ok.  Megan had colds.  Megan had so many colds at the end.  Megan had so many fevers at the end.  OMG Megan died and now Amanda has a fever.  OMG Amanda has a cold.
 Its a battle that I know I'm not going to win.

Someone asked me if I felt like she was going to have something happen to her like I did with Megan.  I don't.  I really don't but that doesn't alleviate my fears or anxiety at all.   This is my reality.  This is my normal.  Nothing is simple. 

These are things that go on in the back of your mind.  Its just like the grief, were still functioning, still even somewhat enjoying life but my worries and fears are multiplied and I'm always pushing them down and away. 

My girls are sisters.  I have 3 girls.  I am not looking forward to the 10th of this month. 


Tiffany said...

i understand completely. Julius never took a pacifier, but we gave her one right away. and i really like that she is so dependent on it when she sleeps because that means she moves around alot if she doesn't have it in her mouth.

i also like putting her in some of his outfits. though there were some clothes that i had to put away because i didn't want anyone else to wear them.

i wish we had our innocence back too.

Susan said...

It is hard, isn't it? I do odd stuff - some of it the same as your odd stuff, some of it different.

Part of me wants to do things appropriate for a 3 year old turning 4. I went to the store where I bought C a lot of party dresses the other day. I mentioned the last occassion we went in her eulogy. She was buried in one of those dresses. So you'd sort of think I'd never want to go back there again - but I did. And I ended up buying a dress for M aged 2 years. LOL I mean, how crazy is that - I think it allowed me to pretend I wasn't weird it was for M next summer - and it was a good bargain - and it is of course, ok to do that - very organised, but not mental - but it was the style of dress that C could wear - I mean, not a baby dress at all. That is why I think I wanted to do it.

So, anyway, what I mean is - we are both blinking deranged - well all of us - you too Tiffany LOL You can't buy ahead, and I'm buying things for years away...

I think it might be because I miss her - I want an almost 4 year old back - then I feel crap, because it seems unfair to wish M's life on FF, when she is entitled to be a baby and a toddler and so on....

It is really hard - I think we all worry about the point when our children will get older than the age our children were when they died. I wonder if it is different for you, as Emily has already passed that age. I sort of wonder if I will become a virgin parent iyswim, as I have no idea how to parent a 6 year old. Catherine would have been 6 in June - I just can't imagine how she would have changed.

I wish things were simpler too. It's exhausting xx

michelle said...

I understand the paranoia, with Jack's heart condition I was terrified he would stop breathing in his sleep. Now I am paranoid about everything that could go wrong with my new pregnancy. As for the nursery, so far I am conflicted as to how I will set it up and what of Jack's I will share. I wish we didnt have to think about all this stuff.xo

Stacey said...

I love what your friend said, sister share clothes! so true! I have actually found myself pulling out shoes and sweatshirts of Blake's that Reese can wear. I didn't think i would want to. I hope if we have another boy down the road that I will feel comfort having him wear Blake's clothes.

Love you my friend!

Em said...

Hi, I just started following your blog but I know what you mean about sick kids. My son had a mild fever today. A mild fever and part of me was ok, it's a mild fever, he's fine. Another part of me was like, let's go to emerg. What if he gets worse and I didn't take him to emerg when the fever started. I know I'm crazy fearful...I just wanted to tell you that I get the fear.
Also, I hope the 10th was not too awful.