Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I can't write

I want to write so badly, I want to share how crazy and neurotic I feel.  I want to write about the depth of pain and love and sadness and happiness I am going through, yet I can't.

It seems that writing about my grief was easy, didn't care what people thought.  My only goal was to get people to understand the pain as best they could.  Yet now? I feel judged, I feel alone. 

Am I really judged and alone? Probably not, but it feels that way.  I love Amanda so very much and I'm so tired of looking at her and not seeing her.  I look for what is wrong with her.  Something has to be wrong with her and I have to find it.  I have to find it before I have to hold another dead child in my arms.  I inspect the soft spot, I inspect her face, I inspect her breathing.  Her breathing, always with a hand on her chest...

I can't let the fear go.  My husband has been wonderful and understanding but I think he may soon start getting angry with me.  Doesn't understand why I can't realize that Megan's death was a fluke.  It won't happen again.  These things don't happen over and over.  I need to be positive.  The stress of worrying is doing nothing for my mental help.  On and on and on.

If it were only that easy.  If I could turn off the switch that remembers holding my dead daughter in my arms.  If I could turn off the switch that remembers finding her lifeless.  Lifeless on my watch. 

I made this choice.  I made the choice to go through this again because holding a baby is healing.  Its just not healing me quick enough?  I'm not depressed.  I'm just scared and becoming a bit obsessive.  Waiting for this bit of happiness to be taken from me.

Holding her in my arms, its one of the best feelings in the world.  Its indescribable.  She brings so much more joy in our lives.  I just wish I could get away from this anxious feeling.  I just don't want her to leave me to.  I almost wish I could say I was depressed so I could go on medicine.  I'm just scared and anxious and a worrywart times 10. 

I think the main reason I don't want to write is because I want to write about my fears, I want to write about how neurotic I feel.  This isn't my 24/7 life though and whenever I write about it, I can't stop thinking about what others might think of me.  I hate that.  My release has been in writing and I have never been one to write in sunshine and rainbow talk.  I like to get down and dirty, to share my innermost thoughts without shame or guilt.  Now I feel like I'm censoring, If i say this, maybe they won't think I need "to talk to someone" or "need happy pills".  I guess I always think that the happiness is just implied ...of course its there.  Of course I'm not running around like a mad person never letting Amanda sleep.  I clean the house with her sleeping alone in my bedroom for goodness sakes.  The last place I thought I would be able to let her sleep alone.   I live life, I'm no longer just a functioning robot getting things done. 

Why can't I stop thinking that everyone no longer cares how hard it is for me sometimes.  Why can't I stop thinking that everyone else thinks she was my cure all so I should be all better?  Seems like most of my friends that have taken this step .. they all seem so normal.   No neuroses lol.  Just happy go lucky baby posts.  Where is the fear? 


Mary said...

The fear is there, I promise! I definitely worry about my little guy. I pray and pray and pray for him to stay healthy and safe. That is the only way that I can keep the panic from setting in. I don't write about my fear because then it would probably take over.

Please feel free to write absolutely anything you want. I can't speak for others, but I can tell you honestly that I will NOT judge you. Nobody should!! They don't have that right. Not one of them is Megan's mommy and not one of them has gone through the exact thing you did! Not one of them! We are here to be your friends and to stand by your side and remember your beautiful Megan with you, not to judge.

Amanda is a HUGE blessing, but she does not erase the pain that you feel each day that you are not able to hold Megan in your arms. We all understand that. Our stories are different, but we are all moms that have lost at least one child. We feel the same things you do. I promise! Please feel free to write ANYTHING! We are here for you!

michelle said...

I know a few mothers of loss that have gone on to have another little one and they are filled with fear, in fact one is even dealing with post partum depression now.

Its weird but after I lost Jack I always felt that everyone was judging me, the things I did, the things I said. Some blm's with popular sites that I reached out too in the beginning of my blm journey actually did choose to ignore me. I didnt loose my child the same way as them, I 'm athiest, because Jack had Down Syndrome - who knows why.

I found that grief really makes you extra sensitive to these things instead of just shrugging it off and saying "to each there own". You notice it more,you feel you are judged, your more paranoid, and you worry more about everything.

Writing everything you feel will help someone. If I end up having another little one I will be more prepared with what emotions I may feel because of what you write. I will know I am not alone in anything I feel because you didnt smooth over the truth. I thank you for that. xo

Ashley said...

I feel the same way most of the time. I have to say that time with your new little baby does help. At one point my new baby makes me SO happy but he does make me miss his brother more as well. The fear hasn't gotten easier for me...I am to waiting for everything to come crashing down.

Rainbow Moments said...

Reading your blog is actually refreshing, Jennifer. I tend to gravitate to other blm's who tell it like it is, because that is kinda how I am too. I can so relate to the feelings you are having. I would never judge you or anything your feel or think. No one unless they have traveled this journey could ever imagine the rollercoaster that you are on now. One minute feeling such joy with your new baby, the next missing your precious daughter, the next waiting for the other shoe to drop and finally the constant irrational thoughts that creep in because your child died for no reason at all. It makes nos sense at all and to be frank it just completely sucks the fat one!!! I have been a basket case and my poor children will probably need some major counseling after all is said and done. I check on him constantly and so do they. Sometimes I am so scared to actually walk in and check on him I will ask them or my husband. It is kinda sad, but you do what you have to do I guess. You are in my thoughts girl.

Kaci Uipi said...

I appreciate you being honest, because I am completely honest, even though I know it offends people. I'm always asking myself, "ohh should I not say it!?" But if I don't say it, then my feelings get hurt. The truth is, people's feelings just get hurt with grief. It's so misunderstood. Lately I've been a little big of a "downer" with some of my posts, and I know people are telling me that I need to count my blessings and all that.. I want to say, "Let me be upset if I want to be upset okay!" I'm not always upset, and I do have many times when I am so grateful for everything I do have, like right now I've felt blessed, but I will continue to be honest because that's how I am.

Macuil said...

You should write whatever you are feeling. No need to worry about what other people think! The people that matter won't care, and the ones that don't matter, well... Who cares!

Thinking about you and Megan!

Stacey said...

Jenny, I promise no one is judging...and if they are, shame on them.

The fear will always be's there daily for me. it takes all my might to lay Reese in her crib at night. If i could function on no sleep, I would hold her and rock her all night long.

I still feel like I'm just going through the motions. i'm happier, but i'm still just functioning.

It took me a long time before I looked at Reese and Saw HER...I would look at her and only see Blake or be looking for Blake. Now that she is a bit older, I see her and love her for her. that probably sounds bad, but it's true.

I'm finding year 2 to be harder than the first year in a lot of ways. I can't help but feel like no one cares. I think only those who have lost a child can understand this paid will never go away completely and no future children will ever replace our sweet babies. not sure why it's so hard for those who have not lost a child to understand this. i just wish everyone would get it!

I've never been good at writing about my don't beat yourself up over it. the time will come when you feel like writing again.


Maxie's Mommy said...

I am very early on in this journey and I can tell you that I definitely feel like there are people who judge and it has bothered me but most of the time, I really don't care. The people who matter do not judge me, even if they "can't understand". What makes no sense to me is that even before I had my son, Max, I KNEW that the worst pain a person could ever feel would be in losing their child, so what is there to "not understand"? Makes no sense. Everything is scary now so don't judge yourself for feeling exactly what every single person in your position would and does feel.

Anonymous said...

"Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."
                                                                                                         --Author Unknown

I can't seem to write right now either so I am borrowing these words. Take care.

Radiant Readhead said...

thank you for commenting and stopping by my blog!!! oh my! your story is heartbreaking...and at the same time hopeful. I cant say I completely understand the fear...i wonder every sneeze, cough, spit up....if that is the moment i lose my rainbow:-(

Susan said...

I think you can know rationally it is unlikely to happen again, however you also know it is possible - even just as likely as it was before - and it happened then, so it might again. Carrying on is about living with the knowledge that it might and understanding (completely) how bad that would be.

Having said that, I do feel my anxiety waning. I am no where near as bad as I was in the pregnancy, and hopefully we will both keep getting more easy with it all xx