Thursday, July 1, 2010

I just want to scream

I want to have a full blown tantrum over the unfairness of everything. I'm tired, I'm sad, and I'm so sick of pretending like everything is ok. I'm tired of not being happy, really truly rewardingly happy. I hurt so much. I feel so empty and I have that right. My daughter died.

I want another baby so bad, my arms ache so much for another baby. I need that healing and I don't know if its going to happen and I'm scared. I need that healing, I need that hope but I feel like I can't hope as much for this as I did with Megan because look at what happened. Look at what happened when I wanted something so badly, she was my everything. I love her so much and Im hurting so much.

I feel like such a fake right now because I'm dying inside with a smile on my face for every one else.

I've wanted to write for weeks and I can't find the words.

I feel like its time for hope, and its time to be more positive but I havent been able to make that leap.

I'm lost and I don't even know If i want to be found.


annie valentine said...

My friend, you have no idea how I ache for you right now. Have another baby, it will bring you love. Be faithful and I promise you that you will see and raise your daughter in the next life. Families are forever, and there are certainly more babies who are anxious for your loving arms.

I am so, so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Watch this video. I hope it helps.