Thursday, June 3, 2010

Did this really happen?

There are moments where I sit here and think "Did this really happen to me?" It did, it did happen to me, to us. It is so hard to accept that. My little girl is gone forever. When I want to visit her, I get to go sit at a grave. A precious perfect little gravestone, but its little and it shouldn't be needed. It breaks my heart to know her little body rest below it.

There are times where I wonder if I'm really here, If I'm sane. Sometimes I clench my eyes shut and pray and hope that when I open them that I will find this all to be a bad dream. It doesn't work though. It happened. My toddler, my 18 month old daughter is gone. Sometimes I get so angry and I lose my temper and I act like my 5 year old. Sometimes I can't breathe because it feels like a 500lb weight is laying on my chest. Sometimes the memory of that day will not leave no matter how hard I try to shake it off. You try your hardest to remember the good things but her face, face down, parts of her skin purplish, the noise her little body made when I moved her, when i touched her, it haunts me. The frantic phone call, carrying around her absolute dead weight, knowing that it wasn't good that she was purple. But I kept telling myself she was warm and maybe those noises was her trying to breathe. I can remember her on the table and attempting the cpr and being so utterly calm. I just did what i had to do even though In my head I knew without a doubt that every single damn fear I had ever had about her dying on me had came true.

I couldnt' cry, it was hours later when I started to cry. I know it was shock but all I could think of was how everyone must have thought I was horrid for not throwing myself on the floor and having hysterics.
How do you come back from this? It haunts me every day. I want a new mattress so badly but then I don't know that i can part with it. I lay my head where she died every night. I want to kiss her head so much.

I hate putting laundry away, I've always hated it but now every time I do it I think of how I happily put my laundry away while she laid there. While I sat in that damn room and I talked to her and I shook the damn bed and tried to jostle her awake. How I never gave it one moments notice that her face was head down into the bed, that her little arms were under her. I just went about my business in the same room while she lay there. Sitting down on the floor and putting her clothes away, talking to her and having that same old fear I've always had come rushing in. The frantic "is she breathing" and then pushing it away and putting her favorite monkey pajamas away. Then turning my head back and looking and looking and the fear it took hold and i reached and touched her back. I shook her slightly, calling her name. I grabbed her arm and once i saw the color i knew. The dread that goes through your body you can't even imagine. I've done this before, I was nurses aide for 5 years, yo udon't forget what mottling looks like on a dead/dying person. That doesn't leave you. It was the sounds she made that gave me hope. I just couldn't believe that the sounds I heard when i moved her meant she was gone.

I can't sit at the spot on the table where her head was. I see her lying there all the time when i walk by. I hate that she never even got the chance to go to the hospital. Not that it would have made a difference. She was gone when I found her and there was no bringing her back. I hate that i was so calm, that i didnt' have the hysterics I still wish I could have. Why do I want to be hysterical I don't know, it makes me almost laugh.

Holding her after they had done all they could. I couldn't look at her face because it was so hard. I just looked down at her like i would if she had been sleeping on me. I wanted to hold her forever but there were moments where i just wanted her gone because I knew she was gone and holding her reminded me that she was gone but I knew that once I let go of her that was it. No more kissing her head, running my fingers through her hair. My sleeping beauty.

I had girls once. 2 girls that were supposed to grow old together, to be playmates forever. To be close and to have each other through thick and thin. My girls. I had that once and now I'm just an empty shell of that person.
Life is so unfair, you are always told how life is so unfair but every little thing in my life seems so trivial compared to this. Shes being erased. I look around my house and there are a couple pictures here and there, I still have a toy drawer but thats it. There is nothing here that screams out 'hey i had a baby' Its all being put away. Shes just a lovely memory. Its inevitable.

I feel like a monster sometimes with the thoughts that go through my head. The jealousy is bad but not nearly as bad as you would expect. Mostly its just pain. I'm doing well. Really. I write here because Its a way for me to release what I'm holding inside. But Im' doing well. I'm moving forward. I smile and I laugh every single day. My memories cause me pain but they also give me immense joy. I cry every day but some days its just a light eye watering where others its heart breaking sobs. I don't want to reach out to everyone that wants me to reach out to them. Im content in my own little world right now.

I want another baby, but I don't. I do but going through everything you have to go through again sounds like work. I want my baby back, i want my toddler. I want to be thinking about potty training not getting pregnant. I didn't deserve to have her robbed from me like this. How can you ever be normal after something like this happens? How am i supposed to have another baby and act normal? Im going to be petrified but I also cannot imagine my life without another baby. I know it would never take her place thats not what I'm trying to do at all but babies are so healing. I need to be needed again. Can you imagine having someone who needs you 24/7, who counts on you for everything. Someone who is always right under your feet and then just rip them away. To be alone during the day even when your 5 year old is here. She doesn't need me like I was needed by Megan. Emily is bright and intelligent and independent. I would give anything to change Megans diaper again, to clean up a mess she made at a meal time or to have her dump out all of the cereal in the cuboard again. To have her plop her butt in my face to wake me up and tell me to change her. To hear her sweet voice say Mama.

I'm so scared of moving forward without her but I have no choice. IT is so unfair to not let someone have a choice in this matter. I can be a worthless mother/wife/friend or i can move forward. I can't sit in sadness all the time. I get it. But it doesnt make it any easier.

I miss my daughter so much. My life will forever be changed because of her. Because of this, so many of you have told me you think of us daily and that you remember, that you take that extra time and that really makes me happy. It wasn't long enough but I would have been lost without her, to never have known her. She made a impression on me that will never be forgotten. Shes my angel and my heart and my arms will always ache for her. Oh the ache in my arms is so hard. She was such a new walker that I still carried her more than she walked and walking into a store or wherever without her weight is so hard sometimes.
Its all hard what am i saying.

I love you sweet baby girl.


Denys said...

Hello Jenny. I happened upon your blog through Regarding Annie. I don't know if you even want anyone to post anything, but I thought if so, here it is. I dont' know you, but through your words some of your pain comes through. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I think every once in a while that I couldn't handle it if it happened to me. So, your blog has given me a renewed appreciation for my family. Thank you. If you want to read my blog or communicate with me that would be great. My prayers are with you, from a mother to a mother.

Stacey said...

Dear Jenny,

I hope I am not overstepping, but I came across your blog on babycenter. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I wish I had something better to say than that, but their are no words for tragedy like this. You and I are in too familiar of a place right now. Our son passed away in his sleep April 5th. The cause is still unknown. If you ever feel like emailing me, please do. it might be good for both of us.

much love,