Friday, May 21, 2010


"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

~Washington Irving

I'm sitting here wondering what to write. I'm at a loss, I want to write about my sadness but I also want to write about my happiness. I have a wonderful family, I am incredibly blessed. My husband is my best friend, he still makes my heart go pitter patter and he can still make me laugh like a school girl. Emily is almost 6 and she is turning into such a kind caring little person. Very opinionated and the drama never stops. Everything has to be perfect all the way down to her toes. She's a funny girl and likes to talk and talk and talk.

I have married into the best family I could have ever imagined. Without a moments glance they accepted me, loved me and supported me. There has never been a time where I have wondered if I was where I belonged because I know I belong. Im here and I'm blessed. We are all blessed to have had such a sweet beautiful angel in our lives. It was much to short of a time but she left her footprints on all of our hearts. She left a legacy, a smile and laugh, she showed us love and patience. A childs love is so forgiving, so overwhelming it literally wraps you tight and lets you know all is right with the world.

The moment Megan entered this world I loved her with all of my heart. Megan was so special, she was such a easy baby, a easy toddler. Seeing Emily hold her sister, love her sister , play with her sister, and share her dreams with her sister has forever changed me. How does a parent go on, when all of your hopes and dreams have been robbed. When an entire childhood, adulthood, parenthood has been taken away. Things like this aren't supposed to happen. Emily is supposed to have her little buddy with her, she had so many things she wanted to teach her. I had so many things to teach her.

Oh i love her so much, I get so mad each and every time i talk about her in past tense. My baby girl shoudln't be past tense, she should be in the present and its just not fair.
Waiting for answers that may never come. Such a cruel thing, you want there to be something wrong even though the guilt of why wasn't this caught will happen, but the alternative of SUDC and not knowing, not having any answer is just as awful. SUDC, sudden unexplained death in childhood. Death after age 12 months, SIDS the one everyone knows of is classified 12months and under. Why are our children dying? Why are there so many similiarites that I and other ladies have talked about. Why our angels? Why?

I'm supposed to accept that God won't give you more than you can handle. I'm supposed to accept that she was just to perfect for this world so she had to go to heaven. I'm supposed to accept that this was God's will. I'm supposed to accept that I will eventually be ok. I'm supposed to accept that this is fate, that was in the grand plan, that she is no longer suffereing, that she is with me always even if she isn't here in person. These are things I'm suposed to blindly accept. I'm supposed to have faith that everything will be ok.

What I know is that my heart hurts, that at times i can barely breathe. I know these tears that are running down my face burn, I know people think I'm strong but Im' weak and scared. I know that she was perfect and that I miss her so much. I know this pain will lessen with time but I don't believe it.
Everything is a memory.

I wanted her so much, my little miracle baby. She grew in me for 9 months, she made me so sick for at least 5 of them. She slept when i slept, what more could a parent wish for. She was supposed to be a boy lol. She was something special from the moment she was concieved. She was always so happy, so engaging, so loving. Would go to stranges and just love on them, how special that is, to make someones day by just a little smile and laugh. She kissed on command, literally gave so many kisses to anyone who asked. Perfect little close mouthed kisses.

She was always happy. She would fall asleep the moment she got in the car, everytime it seemed like. She hated anything on her feet, I was that mom who would have a sockless/shoeless baby out and about in the middle of winter. She was such a good eater. She hated to sit in restaurant high chairs but in my own she loved it. It was also a great place for her to fall asleep.
I never got to see her run, but dad never got to see her crawl, walk, pull up to standing, first tooth. She liked to help put the dishes away, she would happily hand sister a dish/silverware over and over and over until every dish in the dishwasher was put away. They loved it and what mom doesn't love to get out of a chore?
She loved water. So many times I would take her out of the tub while sister stayed in, Id get her dressed and id go to get something and I'd hear MOM and splash. Fully clothed Megan back in the tub with sister.
I have wonderful friends and I have a wonderful family. I can't thank you all for all the love and support you have shown me.

My princess Megan Olivia McPhee.

1 comment:

April said...

Your baby girl is absolutely precious. ((Hugs))