Thursday, May 6, 2010


Today, I have regrets. I'm looking at pictures from a lady who does excellent work in my hometown. I talked to her a few times and she was always in the back of my mind. How I really wanted her to do my girls pictures. I just kept putting it off and off and off. Now its to late.

Today I have regrets, I never took her to the zoo, I never took her to the ocean, so many things that are going through my mind right now. I'm a procrastinator, always have been. I always put things off and now i feel robbed because I don't get to do those things with her anymore. I don't get to make new memories with her anymore. How do I know that the memories I do have won't fade? How do I make sure that I will never forget?

Today I have regrets and It hurts so much. I don't have regrets in the way I took care of her, just in the things we missed out, will miss out on. All my life my biggest desire was just to be a mom. Its all ive ever wanted. I know some people don't understand that, but for me that was the biggestt most important step in my life.

I hate feeling like I've been robbed, I hate feeling jealous of others. I'm not comforted that shes with the lord, shes my baby and she should be with me. I looked at her grave the other day, its so small. Nobody should ever have to lay flowers on such a small grave. It isn't fair.

I feel sometimes like i'm healing to fast, like im moving on to fast. I feel guilty when I'm having fun and then i get mad at myself when i cry and I can't stop. When the pressure on my chest feels like a thousand pounds and I can't take in a deep breath and my heart starts pounding. I hate that my family is broken, that a part of me died with her. I hate that we must move on and that we can't stay here in this utter sadness.

I did everything right, but maybe i didn't adovate strong enough for her. I look back and think of all my fears and the things ive told people and I still dont know if what i did was enough. I think it was, it feels like it was. How do you differentiate between a mothers paranoia and actual sickness. Especailly when she never seemed that sick.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye like I woudl've wanted to. How my arms ache for her every day. How do you go on after something like this? My heart feels so empty but its not enitrely because I have him, and i have em. I have such good friends and I have such a wonderful family. Yet my arms are still empty and i hate it. What i woudlnt' give for just one more kiss, for one more hug. To hold her close, kiss the top of her head, nuzzle the back of her neck. Make her laugh and giggle. To hear her say mama.

I feel like I'm supposed to be lost in the sadness but my family and my friends won't let me. I'm thankful for that to a point but sometimes i still feel that overwhelming despair and I want to be lost in it and its so hard. The memories aren't always comforting. Walking into a place and knowing the last time you were there, you were happy and you were whole and then walking in there again now. Its different and wrong. I know I'm rambling but oh well, i cant remember my password/email for my blog lol.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

1 comment:

debra said...

So sorry for your loss. I can relate to some of the things you shared, and how awful to have those feelings of what you 'didn't do, like the zoo, etc. I know we all feel that guilt but in your case, it's unfair. It's multiplied a million times.

Also, I've never thought about how there is no word for a parent whose lost a true.

your baby was a beautiful sweet doll.

Another thing I can relate to is wanting to just be left alone to be sad. You can't just 'get over it' you ARE so so sad, it needs to be felt. But I had 3 other children that I needed to care for so I was forced to just 'go on' and cry in the shower and i cried myself to sleep every night for along time.

I lost 2 babies. Newborns. One died shortly after birth, the second was stillborn, so different, I didn't know them like you did, but very sad. Our last loss was Oct. '09 so it's been a while and time does certainly help ease the horrible heartache.

I'm so sorry. Bless you.