Thursday, May 6, 2010


Someone asked me how I do it, How I survive each day. I'm not strong at all. I'm functioning. No one could ever comprehend what this is like till you've walked in my shoes. Its just not possible.

Many of you know that I've always felt like I just knew this would happen, that it had always been such a huge fear of mine. I used to think about it, how would I do this? Back then there was no hope, you saw no way to function, that there would be no sunshine in your life anymore. You can't even come close to imagining it because when you have them in your arms you aren't supposed to imagine things like that.
Now that I've been there I realize that life does move on no matter how often I wish it would stand still. I have another child that needs me, I have a husband that needs me. It gives me someone else to think about, someone else to make me happy. The pain hasn't lessened at all, its so sobering. walking into Walmart or other stores.... it is so painful. There are always little girls her age and oh so cute around. I find myself just staring longingly at them, jealous of them. I walk into a store and everyone is so happy and I find myself just wanting to shout "HEY my kid died" so maybe they wouldn't be as happy. I find myself wanting to go up to perfect strangers and tell them to hug their little ones close, to find that extra time to give them love. Life changes so fast, in a instant all your dreams and your hopes for the future can be gone. It doesn't mean they are all gone forever, you will climb out of that hole and realize you can make new hopes and dreams but it will never ever be the same.
I coudlnt' do this without my family, I can't even imagine it. I love them so much. The support I've received from them is wonderful. Having my husband home again its such a relief and he is such a help, without him I'd probably be a blubbering mess all day.

Its been over 3 weeks since i got to kiss/hold love on my baby girl. I'm scared to death for my husband to go back to work because I can't stand being alone. I want to start going back to the gym and I need to start it up soon but the thought of going to the daycare is like a stab in my heart. Not only will i have to see all the other kids Megan played with but I'm sure some of them will ask where she is. I could wait till Emily is back in school but that is just that much longer i have to wait to get myself onto some kind of routine. I hate it all. I hate that I don't have the patience i had with Megan with Emily, that she can drive me so insane.

She brings laughter but she brings pain to, they are so honest and straightforward and when I imagine the future of us without Megan it kills me. Parenthood is not for the weak lol. I'm not strong, I'm functional.
I miss my baby girl so much. Life will never be the same without her.

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