Thursday, May 6, 2010

Sadness

I just spent 20 minutes sitting on the bathroom floor quietly sobbing. Hoping I didn't wake up Michael. Finally smarted up and came out here and decided to get on the computer. Its been a couple of days since I had a good sob i guess.
I really don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel so alone even though I have family and so many friends around me. My little girl is gone. She is gone and the grief is overwhelming me. I cannot even begin to describe how it feels, how much it hurts. No parent should ever ever have to go through this. She was such a joy, she brought me so much joy to me and to everyone around her. She was my ray of sunshine on my darkest days. How does something like this happen? I wanted her so badly, it almost feels like a punishment. Is it karma? Boy I really messed up somewhere. How does this happen, why does this happen to people? It just isn't fair. I should have her in my arms right now, I should be giving her kisses and running my fingers through her hair. The little she had anyways lol. My pretty baldie baby princess.

I keep getting this frantic feeling that people are going to see pictures of Megan and just automatically assume they are pictures of Emily when she was little. I know it sounds silly. She's my Mego, my Megs, my sweet angel. My only brown eyed baby girl.
Aren't you supposed to find comfort somewhere in the whole knowing shes with God? Its not very forthcoming I can tell you that. Lately this prayer just keeps going through my head. If I had known I would never ever put her down for a nap. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; Or if I die before I wake, I pray for God my soul to take.

I've found lots of people who are grieving, I've even found a couple of ladies who are going through exactly what I'm going through, all of us three days apart. One lost her 20 month old on March 4, One lost her 19month old on March 7th and me with my 18 month old March 10th. Our babies one months apart and died 3 days apart respectively. All baby girls. What a coincidence right?
I know we all grieve differently and I know so many people around the world are grieving with me/us but I still feel so absolutley selfish when I think that nobody nobody knows what im going through, nobody can understand this pain, this heartache. But they do and I'm not alone.

Is it destiny that we all find each other? Are our baby girls playing together in heaven? What a pleasant thought right.

I hate belonging the dead child club. I would give anything to have her back. Anybody know where the pet semetary graveyard is? lol. I have tears running down my face, snot all over and I had to put in the pet semetary bit. It made me laugh. I'm lucky that I have my husband with me now, it makes things easier for me, he keeps me grounded and moving forward. But if I could change places, if i could have him gone finishing his tour and have her back with me, there woudl be no question.
I miss her so much. I know missing her will get easier as time goes by, I know nothing will ever fill the voild, the emptiness, the hole that she left but I do know it will get easier.

I'm not needed like i was and its so hard to accept that. Sure people need me but not like she needed me. The house is so empty without her. Staying up late and getting all the cuddles she used to give me. Taking a bath, oh baths are so hard. She was always there with me at bath time, she would always throw herself in with me, she loved baths so much. My water baby.

I have to go through her clothes and her toys and I don't want to but I don't want anyone else to touch her stuff. I have till May 17th to get it done. Just thinking about doing this makes my heart race. ITs going to be so hard.
In my mind I can see her face so clear, I can almost reach out and touch her. I think I've gotten to the point to where I don't need answers as much as I did before. Like my husband says nothing is going to change what happened, shes gone. I think I realize how gone she is a little every day. You know they are gone but its not till all the little things hit you one by one that you really truly understand.

Something as simple as being able to have a candle on my coffee table. I keep wanting to move it because I know its not safe there but it doesn't really matter now because there are no little fingers to bang it on the table. I put some cleaners under the kitchen sink and went to lock the cupboard up and stopped myself because there is no need. Every single time I am in the car I want to put her in her carseat or take her out. But its not there anymore, because she is not here anymore. So many times I've hopped out of the car and turned and for that quick second I'm so happy and content and then I remember.

The guilt, the overwhelming guilt that I feel every single day. I have guilt from not holding her for that nap, for walking away, and I have guilt for smiling and moving on. Every day I move farther and farther away from her. She is destined to become nothing but a memory. A wonderful blessing but just a memory that so many of us share. I keep asking myself if maybe i just wanted her to much. Did I somehow do this with this thoughts of something like this happening? I had the thoughts, the fears but you never really ever expect those to come true.
I'm scared. There are so many things I should be doing right now but im so scared to move forward, im not sure if i can take the steps I should be talking. Shes gone and as awful as it sounds it makes certain things easier right now. Things I should do. I havent' worked since 2003. The big bad world is scary and the mamabear inside me is in hiding. I don't want to lose her but I've already lost her. I can't explain it, i just feel like it will take me farther and farther away. Some of you know what I want to happen by the end of the year and that scares me to. I go back and forth with the doubts. You can tell me all day long that I'm a good mother but the fact is, my kid died on my watch, I don't really feel overly capable right now.
I feel like I need to spread the word about SUDC but what
good is it going to do? Besides make everyone worry.. Its not like SIDS, there is no lay them on their back, there is no have a fan in their room blah blah blah. This happens after they turn one, after they are deemed 'safe'. There isn't a 18 month old around that can't lift up their head so they don't suffocate, there isn't a 18 month old that isn't a pro at ripping the covers off, or moving around. But this happens, it happens more often than you think. Why does it happen? Why are there so many simlilarites between the cases but they can't find any solid concrete answers? Megan hasn't even been diagnosed with this, but the fact is its very likely. Its what I'm expecting even though I would probably get the most comfort out of some kind of undiagnosed congential defect or something. Something that would make it ok for me to have worried like I worried her whole life. Nobody knows about SUDC, its all SIDS SIDS. And advocating for it isn't going to relieve me, it isn't going to make another parent feel better, its going to scare the crap out of them.

I just hate this, hate moving on without her. My cuddle bug is gone. I didn't get to give her a million kisses, I don't get to see her grow up. I never got a drawing from her, I dont' get to see her learn to ride a bike, or even to run. It is so hard to have all your dreams and hopes for your child to just end.
I get sad and i get moody and I lose my patience entirely to quick. I'm going forward whether or not i like it. I'm so thankful for my family and my friends. I'm thankful to have found the ladies I found, to have someone to talk to about everything. To know they are feeling and dealing with the same things, walking in my shoes and I am not alone.

You can ask me all day long how im doing and I will always tell you fine, or alive. To them though I can let it all out because they know. I feel like such a downer sometimes and I'm trying to not be but its hard. You have to wonder why some people get to have kids, why they get to keep their kids when they are abusive and mean and neglectful and etc yet we are the ones who lost our kids. It doesn't make sense.
I looked into her eyes and I told her I would always keep her safe. That I would always love her with all my heart. I feel like I failed. My one job was to keep the kids safe and healthy and happy while daddy was gone and I failed. I falied in the worst way. You can't just walk away from the guilt, I can't share the gult with anyone else it my cross to bare. 2 measly weeks, thats all. I'm a big fat failure.

I'm a strong person. I know I'm doing well under these circumstances. I konw I have to write like this and let my feelings out and have others read it because I have to be held accountable. I have to have other people know what I'm thinking. I do know I am strong because I have had my moments of weakness. Who woudn't? I'm still neeeded, I'm still loved. I can still be happy, I can still make others happy and feel loved. I can find joy and happiness in the little things still and i know thats good. It lets me know I haven't let the grief consume me. Even when I want to let it, I can't fall that far. I'm here. The tears don't come as easily as they used to. I"m slowly being able to look at pictures again. I still feel like someones crushing my chest though most of the time. What I wouldnt give to be able to smell her smell again, to breathe in that baby scent. She was such a good girl. I love her so much.
I hate talking about her in past tense and I find myself doing it more and more. It feels so wrong. It all feels so wrong.

3 comments:

Amy D said...

Even in your pain, your words are beautiful, your love for Megan, beautiful, you, beautiful.

I love you.

Adele said...

Wow I could be writing this right now. My angel is 16 months old and was taken from us suddenly 6 weeks ago. Your words are so true and powerful and sums up exactly how I feel right now.

Thank you for sharing XX

Emm said...

I've lost my little boy who was 20 month old, just the same way. It's only been a month...everything you have written - I feel exactly the same way. I was crying so much while reading it, even 5 years on your words mean a lot to someone. And unfortunately, even 5 years on, we are no closer to knowing why this happens.