Monday, January 3, 2011

300 days

I know I should probably get rid of my countdown but that would require getting rid of my old phone and that is just not going to happen.  I plug it in once a month and see where we are date wise and today was day 300.  Kind of snuck up on me even though I know March 10 is just around the corner.

I have so many emotions, they are different than when I first wrote 139 days I have one that is not finished for a 100 days.  They are different, as in that I don't feel that same pain but that the pain has dulled some.  200 days just made me smile because I see I started that one out exactly the same as this one.  Unfortunately I'm not at a place where I want to reread what I  have written yet.

This journey I have been on has led me down some really twisted roads.  I'm not always sure where I'm headed but I know no matter which way I turn I have someone.  Someone is there to listen to me, finding the Baby Loss Community is more than I could have ever hoped for.  So many woman out there going through exactly what I'm going through.  They understand.  Friends and family are there of course and always will be... they are my rocks... but sometimes its easier to talk people that have been there. 

Its like the farther out I get the worse the memories of that day are. I have a couple pictures of her sleeping that remind me so vividly of finding her. So many regrets, so many signs i ignored. I had a nagging feeling that I should check on her but i ignored it because i knew shed 'wake' up and her nap was already going to be cut super short. Sister had early release that day and wed have to go to the school to  pick her up.

 I was in the room with her, putting clothes away, talking to her, and she was already gone.  I was so happy full of joy... thinking about Michael coming home soon. I was laughing because of how tired she was, and then when i realized. As soon as I held her, touched her and she was so floppy, I just knew.

I sleep where her mouth took its last breaths.

I'm haunted by these memories lately. Holding her in my arms. I remember thinking we should take pictures of her but I couldn't even look down at her face to face. I couldn't look my at my own child in the face though I wanted to memorize everything about her one last time. I held her close and that was all I could do. It was like she was sleeping on me and thats all i saw just her eyes closed. Her body slowly losing warmth. Her lips... blue. They were the reason I could not look at her face. Those blue lips so unnatural.  What am I saying? Its unnatural no matter how you look at it, having a child die. 

I want to do so much to honor her and spread awareness about sudc but I don't know what to do. Nobody around me seems to understand how important it is to me to do something, and I am not a go getter. Plus I don't know who to talk to about it. I am not organized, I do not know what to do, I feel so utterly lost in this.  I'm not creative, I'm not much of anything anymore.

The pain definitely comes in waves. Missing Megan never stops but I feel like I'm writing the same thing over and over. The pain does get easier but now it seems that I am alone with my memories. That my friends and family are tired of hearing about her. I know its not true but people don't share their memories of her with me anymore.  Maybe they are worried I will cry but I would rather hear memories, know that you still care and love her than your silence.  For that I will always shed tears.  I  mention her as much as I can, things she did and etc. Lately when I'm sad, when I'm crying, i try to keep that to myself now. I often picture the penguins from Madagascar.  "Smile and nod, smile and nod".

I don't get any new pictures of Megan.  Well maybe I do if family/friends go through pictures and send me whatever they might have (hint hint).    I don't get any more firsts with her.  I don't get to see her grow up.  When I visit her grave I don't get a calm relaxed feeling.  I don't enjoy it, I have no peace at all doing it.  I get angry, I get upset because her stone is dirty.  I get upset because she is dead and buried under a stone.  I get upset because I don't go see her enough.... but it hurts. It isn't somewhere I feel close to her, its not her there. 

In my quest for knowledge I've forced myself to watch Dr. G the Medical Examiner any time she does a autopsy on a child.  Can you even imagine what its like? Knowing that someone did this to your child, its hard.  Its hard to breathe when I watch.  I keep it clinical but its still a terrible thing to learn.  
I rarely dream of Megan and I keep remembering the dream I had that Monday.  Two days before she died.  In my dream it was prophetic I guess,  something was wrong and it was all my fault was the gist of the dream.  It was a dream that had me in full fear the moment I woke up.  I  immediately wrote to a friend and told her about it.  It was one of those dreams that lingered, kept creeping back into my thoughts.  It was just a dream, wasn't it?

Not having an answer is like rubbing salt on a open wound.  They think by slapping a diagnosis on her death certificate fixes everything but how can it when its just a  band aid? Why don't they call it natural causes? Why does nobody know about SUDC?  Why couldn't there have been a reason?  How are you supposed to heal when there are no answers?
What If you don't want to heal anymore?  What if you want all the pain and the suffering you felt in the beginning?  When I'm a sobbing crying mess, why do people ask me whats wrong? They used to just know.  Time is turning into the enemy.  My life will never be the same because of losing her..

I am not alone but there will always be moments where I feel it.  There will always be moments where I will think nobody in the world has it worse than me.   Moments where I think no one will possibly ever understand my grief even if you have been there.
I am strong and I am kind and I am a good mother.  I love my children with every beat of my heart.  I love my family and I know that moving forward means putting certain things away, not dwelling on the past so to speak.  It doesn't mean I have to forget she existed, not that its possible but there will come a time when I won't say Megan did this, Megan did that.  There will come a time that I will think before I speak.  There will come a time that when that moment comes up I won't even think to say Megan did this or that.    Its true, I already see it happening as horrifying and sad as it sounds.  You lose them slowly, the memories fade.  I'm hoping one day when I look back I'm no longer haunted and only remember the good things.


Tiffany said...

o, jenny. so much of what you wrote is so true for me. i too am haunted by that day (though i didn't find him, so i can only imagine - actually i did not see him after he passed away, my hubby did but i could not bring myself to do it). but the thought that someone had to perform an autopsy on him makes me sick. and the fact that we had to plan a memorial service for him makes me sick. no one should EVER have to go through this.

and i agree, no matter how many people we find in our same situation, we will always have moments of feelings SO alone, and so lost. grief is very isolating.

as far as honoring her, you are doing it! you are here, writing about her, talking about her. telling people all about your little girl. that's already a great way to honor her. you are keeping her memory alive. there's not a day that goes by that i don't think about Megan, and how she and Juju are probably playing together. ♥

and don't stress yourself out too much about getting involved with SUDC awareness. just take it 1 step at a time. i have tried to break down different things i can do so that i don't overwhelm myself. like one day i will get a SIDS contact. if i'm feeling strong that day, i may email or i might put it off for another day. maybe google and see if there are any SIDS support groups in your area, and maybe someone from there can let you know if there is a SUDC chapter/group. just be gentle with yourself. we are still deeply grieving, so don't feel bad if you can't bring yourself to do something. you'll get there. you have the desire and the determination. and i'm sure Megan is so proud of her amazing mommy. ((hugs))

Jennifer Porter said...

Jenny, I have no clue who you are other than an EXTREMELY strong and brave woman who lost Megan and continues on for Emily, your husband, your family and most importantly yourself. And I think you are doing an amazing job of honoring Megan. Here it is 3 years later, and I am just now falling in love with Megan. I ache for your loss, and the lost life of that beautiful little girl. It looks like she is such a joy and happy little girl. And as someone previously posted, she is PRESENT tense, because she is still present, as energy such as hers never dies! Thank you for being so brave and sharing Megan's story.