I have been the person who reads about another persons misfortune. Wondering how I would handle such a thing. If my child died, I could not go on, I would surely die. How could you not die when your child dies? How could you possibly want to go on living? You think about it for a few minutes, you may shed a tear or two. Then you grab your children close and hug them tightly. You kiss their heads softly and you tell them you love them so much.
Then you might go on to think, hmm maybe "they" missed something, maybe "they" did something. Maybe "they" missed a vital clue, "they" weren't vigilant enough. Maybe it was karma. These things don't happen to good people... not really. Bad things, like my child dying won't ever happen to me. I'm a good mom.
I have been there, I said those same things. You know in your heart that things happen, that nobody is invincible but you can never really understand until something this devastating has happened to you.
People that have read or know my story.. know that I always thought something was wrong. So many doctor appointments and every single one nothing was wrong. All in my head; overprotective mom. Lingering fears that you have to push away because you can't live your life in fear of what might happen. Besides frequent fevers and cold after cold with the occasional ear infection nothing was out of the ordinary. Nothing that said "hey your kid is going to die on March 10, 2010". She had a sister in kindergarten, she went to the daycare at the gym, she was exposed to germs. Common colds were to be expected. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, but how do you fight something you don't know is there. A feeling that something isn't right but yet your child is growing and thriving and is the happiest little being you have ever met.
I've been there. I know what its like to read someone elses words, someone elses pain, to be on the outside looking in. I would give anything to be that person again. I know that it doesn't matter what I did right, she still died. What was the point to keep her safe by extended rear facing or extended breastfeeding, or cosleeping. She still died alone, all alone. She still died. I don't want to be this person, the one that you are now reading about. Reading my pain and anguish and knowing that at any time you can get up, wipe your tears and pick up your little ones and kiss their heads.
You get to walk away from the pain and the suffering and the guilt. The guilt, because no self respecting parent could ever not have guilt. I like to think that I did everything right, that she was well cared for, well loved. Yet, she died.... on my watch. In my care, she died. I had to have done something right? How do you forgive yourself for something you have no idea what you did. All I did was love her with all my heart, but it wasn't enough to keep her here. Why that day? That moment? Why the dream? Why the fears? Why why why? I never get answers, all these unanswered questions just fester inside of me till I feel like I might burst.
I have been there and I am glad that you are here reading my words, sharing in my pain. I am glad that some of you do not know this pain. I am glad that my words reach out to some of you and help you make different choices.
I have nothing else but my words to share. I so often think that maybe nobody wants to hear my input on their children's lives, my opinions on certain things because my child died. Its always there. I catch your looks and I wonder if its sympathy or do you just not want me to close. Its not catchy.
I miss her so much that I can't bear it tonight. The tears are streaming and I am a blubbering mess. I miss her, everything about her and I wish I could bring myself to start writing down her memories so that I don't forget. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to print out pictures, I can't bring myself to get pictures just for Emily to have. Its getting so close to the year mark. I miss her and that smile and that laugh. How she would run to me and throw herself into my arms. My little cuddle bug.
I have been there and I am living it now. You go on because you will. I've quit many things in my life but quitting life isn't an option. I am not whole, I will never be whole again, a part of me died when she died. A part of me will always be dead but theres a part of me that still wants happiness and joy. I still laugh and smile, and I can still cry at the drop of a hat. She will never be forgotten I know this and because of this and my family and my friends I go on. There isn't a choice. You go on. Does it hurt? Oh gosh it hurts so much, but some days, some times it isn't so hard. You put one foot in front of the other. You cry when you need to, you scream when you need to. You do go on and you will find peace again. You will never be the same. Not now... Not when you know that good things do happen to good people.