Thursday, January 27, 2011

Why?

I have this picture on my phone right now.  Every single time I open my phone this is what I see.
I see a beautiful little girl who takes my breath away.  I see a beautiful little smile that lights up a room.  I see a child so full of life and love.  Can't you see the joy in her eyes?  Why?  How did she become this?

So full of joy, so full of happiness to nothing.  Death.  My child is dead.


You can say its not fair over and over.   You can scream and cry and nothing matters.  Nothing changes.  My brown eyed girl is gone forever.  My child who was so full of life, so full of happiness.  My heart bursts with pride every time I think of her. She was perfect and I'm pissed that shes gone.  I'm so angry.  I'm so tired of people telling me I should talk to a grief counselor.  I should do this, I should do that.  I should be more optimistic.  You can't ever imagine the pain I am in.  I talked with my grandmother today about her 46 year old daughter who died probably 10 years ago.  She couldn't talk about her, immediately teared up and said I just can't.   It doesn't get easier.   Not the missing them, not the pain, nothing.  Full of life and happiness and joy to cold concrete slab. 

You think about your kids growing up so fast, blink your eyes and they are just gone.   I blinked my eyes ...........and she really is gone just like that.  In just one moment, gone forever.

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,

but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

–Author Unknown

12 comments:

Mary said...

That beautiful little girl takes my breath away too! Nobody on this Earth should EVER judge ANY mother that has lost her precious child! I am sorry that there are those people that feel it is okay to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Not one of them knows what you go through every day of your life. I know I have said it before, but I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Megan. (((HUGS)))
Love,
Mary

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to write, I came to your blog and am sitting here so humbled by your story. Your daughter Megan is beautiful. I'm so sorry she's not in your arms right now. There are no words that will or can make this easier for you. I'm just very sorry. x Melissa

Anonymous said...

All I can say, is I heart you...

I can't heal your pain but it's important to feel it <3 God is holding you in his arms and when he decides it's your time to be reunited with her, you'll be able to see her in the perfect body he promises we have when we go to heaven.

I am glad you are blogging your journey of emotions. It's veyr healthy for you and therefore you can be healthy for your other precious angel who misses her too.

My two cents dosen't mean much in the scheme of things, but not stuffing or ignoring your emotions is the healthiest thing you could be doing.

HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS

Mary said...

I'm so, so, so sorry for you. That smile, those eyes would take my breath away too. As far as what other people say, who cares. The only thing you SHOULD do is do what is right for you. People can talk all they want, but until they go through this, they can never understand. I don't even understand what you're going through. I can't imagine what its like to lose a toddler. I didn't get to meet my daughter, but you had 18 wonderful months with yours. You built a huge bond with her...I have no idea how you feel. Just know that I am thinking about you.

Diana Doyle said...

Megan is just beautiful!

I stumbled across your blog and think your story is so sad and unfair....I have the same feelings as you as I lost my daughter Savannah at the age of 4 and the emotions you describe are still very strong with me...even though it's been 7 years since she died.

I used to take each hour let alone days sometimes, and try and get through it...not looking too far ahead....

Just do whatever works for you and don't listen to anyone who hasn't been where you are. Grief is unique in each person. And the loss of a child is unimaginable pain to someone who has not experienced it.

I will continue to read your journey without Megan...some days are terribly hard I know.

with love
Diana x

Diana Doyle said...

Megan is just beautiful!

I stumbled across your blog and think your story is so sad and unfair....I have the same feelings as you as I lost my daughter Savannah at the age of 4 and the emotions you describe are still very strong with me...even though it's been 7 years since she died.

I used to take each hour let alone days sometimes, and try and get through it...not looking too far ahead....

Just do whatever works for you and don't listen to anyone who hasn't been where you are. Grief is unique in each person. And the loss of a child is unimaginable pain to someone who has not experienced it.

I will continue to read your journey without Megan...some days are terribly hard I know.

with love
Diana x

rebecca said...

That picture of her is so beautiful, you're right the joy is so evident in her, she was so obviously loved.

You have every right to feel those emotions and feelings. I'd say anger is completely normal, grief is such an intense journey and the feelings you described are important for you to recognize. Allow yourself to feel what you need to and take one moment at a time. As to others telling you what to do, although I'm sure they're well meaning, they can't possibly understand the pain and loss you are trying to cope with. Only you know the path that you need to take, trust yourself. Sending love and hope that you find the strength you need for each new day ((hugs))

Susan said...

People like to give advice. It makes them feel better. They just don't have a clue. Feel as angry as you want Jenny - why shouldn't you? I went to see a grief counsellor, and all in all, it was a waste of my bus fare.... though I know some bereaved mums who have found it helpful. xx

Geves said...

I love this photograph and keep coming back to it. She just looks so happy. xx

Hannah Rose said...

I am so sorry for your loss! I have been reading your story and my heart breaks for you. I am dissolved to a puddle of tears. My daughter, Lily, was stillborn at fullterm on March 16th, 2010...less than a week after you lost your precious girl. March will be such a hard month. Gosh, I don't even know what to say. :'-(

Hugs, Hannah Rose
roseandherlily.blogspot.com

lesley said...

I don't know how I got here, probably because i put 18 months in google and somehow i got here. But wow I couldn't imagine how you must feel. I lost my first baby at 8 weeks and that was heart breaking, I couldn't imagine losing my 18 month old. Your pics are beautiful. So is the rest of your family. i'm sorry this had to happen to you or any parent that lost a child. I'd have trouble getting thru the days. You are a strong person. MY heart goes out to you and your family. xoxox

lesley said...

I don't know how I got here, probably because i put 18 months in google and somehow i got here. But wow I couldn't imagine how you must feel. I lost my first baby at 8 weeks and that was heart breaking, I couldn't imagine losing my 18 month old. Your pics are beautiful. So is the rest of your family. i'm sorry this had to happen to you or any parent that lost a child. I'd have trouble getting thru the days. You are a strong person. MY heart goes out to you and your family. xoxox