Thursday, September 16, 2010

I didn't want to have this conversation

The rain has been pouring down, I remember the rain the day Megan died. I remember stepping outside the next day in the sun, having that warmth on my face while my tears ran. I remember it feeling like I had been kissed by the sun, but I was so angry that as soon as I realized that I turned away and went inside. How could I not be angry? Am I selfish for wanting my daughter with me? Why was she sent to me? Why was she trusted to me if she was just going to be ripped away. Ripped away from my heart, my hopes, my dreams.

When i told Emily about this baby going to heaven, she immediately started crying. There was not a moment of stopping to think about what happened, about what i said, it was just pure pain at knowing again someone else went to heaven and shell never see them again. She told me that she knows she has told us that she wanted a brother but (add in sob) she really really wanted another little sister to play with. Shes tired of being alone. She said why am I the only one who isn't dying? We told her that we are all dying, we are born to die. Some of our lives are longer than others, some lives barely have a chance. Some lives are only with as for a short time, just long enough to make a difference, if you let it. Its heartbreaking to speak about death with a child who just doesn't understand how she wants to be able to understand. I had told her once that I was tired of yelling, that it wasn't good for me or for the baby. She asked if me yelling was why the baby died. She asked if we will try again, and I told her yes. She wants to know if this one will die to, what if they all die mom?

What do you say? What do I say? How do I answer that? She is 6 and she is speaking my heart, my pain and there are no answers. All we can do is have hope.

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