Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Today I did Zumba and lot of honesty

I did it with friends and it was a lot of fun.  I'm one of the most awkward, no rhythm people out there and it was still a lot of fun.  I highly suggest it. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Its all I really get to do anymore, its not like I have little hands and  feet to keep me on my toes right.  See that right there, I make comments like that all the time, its my way of dealing with my grief.  Its seems so sarcastic and uncaring but in a way its how I mention her and her death, so that its not forgotten.  So that she is not forgotten.   Its been  6 months.  A third of her lifetime is gone, just like that. 

Today when we walked out of the daycare with my friends son, there was a little girl.  Around a year old probably, nothing really screamed Megan out to me about her, but then I saw what she was wearing and my heart just dropped.  I bought that dress for Megan to wear, one of those impulse purchases that she had to grow into.  She never got the chance to grow into it  though.  I really liked that dress and I'd forgotten all about it until I saw that little girl.  Without even meaning to, things are being forgotten and I can't stop it. 

I have always been the person who will defend everyone.  It drives my husband insane, if he says that person is a idiot, I should agree.  Where instead  I'm more like, maybe they had bad day or this or that.  I stick up for the little guy, that's how I'm hardwired.  Lately though, I want to walk up to people and shake them and ask why me?  Why the hell do you get do get to have your kids and I don't?  It isn't fair.  It isn't karma, I've never done something  bad enough  in my life that would equal my child's death.  Do you know how hard it is for me to look at another child and say I wish you would have taken that one, instead of mine.  I can easily walk into any store and point out a few kids I'd rather have dead than mine.  I have no guilt, ok maybe a little.  My child died, I held this child when she was sick, I nursed this child every day of her life, I sang to her, I played with her and I enjoyed every single minute with her.  I hate this life that I'm forced to live without her now.  I hate that she is gone and that I don't get to see her grow up.  I don't get to hear her speak in sentences, or learn to play games, I don't get to watch her joy in learning new things.  I don't get to see what she would have looked like when she was older and boy did I want to.  My brown eyed little girl. 

I'm not meant to think bad thoughts about people like I do now.  I judge you an I don't even realize I'm doing it till its to late.  I judge your parenting, how you interact with your children, I judge everything because for whatever reason I did something wrong.  Even if I didn't do something wrong, why do you get to keep your child? I feel like I'm studying people, is that how I'm supposed to act now, is that how I should have done things?  

This is not who I am.  I am a nice person.  I get told all the time by people who read my blog how inspirational I am, how honest and open I am and I don't see it.  There are so many dark, deep, terrible things that we moms of dead children understand.  Its almost like a 'if you really knew me' kind of thing, if you really knew what I was thinking. 

Can you imagine for just one second having the briefest moment, wishing that it was say your other child that died, your neice/nephew, your friends children, the neighbor down the street? Can you for one small moment even comprehend what kind of pain that brings that you would even have that thought pop into your head?  Of course I don't want my children, my family members, my friends children to die but its those kinds of things that go through our heads, those kinds of things that we don't mention to people because they will judge us because they are horrible thoughts.  Its a double edged sword.  On one end I would never in a million years wish this pain upon anyone else, but on the other end I'd trade spots in a heartbeat.  To have my child in my arms while I comforted you. To not endure this pain any longer.

 I started this blog because I wanted people to read it, I wanted people to know the pain that I am in.  Mostly though, I want people to know they are not alone in this situation.  These dark thoughts, we have them to.  I would have gone crazy had it not been for the women that reached out to me when I said, Hi, I'm suffering... with the same pain as you.  Help me help you.    We talked hours into email, crying over each others writings.  Thankful to know we are not alone, that we are not crazy, that someone else has these thoughts.  That someone else cares.  Thats why I started this blog because I want to reach out to those moms who might not have people to talk to.  It is a lonely road we walk.  It isn't something you could ever understand, until you too walk this road. 

I am a mother and I love my children with every fiber of my being.  I would do anything for my children, I would die a thousand deaths to bring my child back even if I couldn't be here with her, or to save them from pain and heartache.  I had so many plans and dreams for her.  She was never truly  mine though, some would say.  We are entrusted with their care for however long.  Maybe she has it easy, she will never know heartbreak, or pain but she will also never meet her prince charming, or experience the absolute joy of looking into your child's eyes and telling them you love them. 

There are days I don't want to move on because every day is another day away from her.  Its also another day closer to being with her, Its just right now the pain is so fresh and still so painful that I just can't have that kind of optimism. 

I have found that I can still smile and enjoy my life because thats the kind of person I am.  I'm more jaded now that I ever was.  I have a little less love and forgiveness and lots more anger and some jealousy thrown in.  I'm still me though. 

Hug your children close because if nothing else that you read from me, understand this.  I too once thought that It would never happen to me.  I too thought that these things happen to 'other people'. 

Turns out I became the 'other people' and it can happen.  Things happen every day that we cannot control and it can happen to you.  Enjoy your children, enjoy their smiles and their love, because in the end that is all that matters.  Family, love and happiness.


Amy D said...

There is nothing more beautiful in this world than your honesty and your love for your children. Nothing. Thank you for posting this. I know it takes a lot of bravery to post something so heart wrenching and to know that someone might take it wrong. Hold on to the hope that someone might read it and that person might have the same thoughts you do and would be able to say "I'm not alone".

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written and so heart wrenching.

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog!

Stacey said...

So true on so many levels. Thank you for being able to put your feelings into words. They are exactly how I feel, but I can't find the words to express myself as well as you can!

Maybe Megan did meet her prince charming after all...if nothing else I know Blake and Megan are buddies up there!

Kat said...

Thank you for writing this. I just wanted to tell you that and that as little as it means or helps, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I honestly cannot imagine, and family DOES mean absolutely everything.