Friday, September 10, 2010

Life is hard

I miss her. I miss her every day. The waht ifs are torturing me. What if I had held her for that nap, like she so wanted me to do? What if she would be alive right now if I had held her. If I hadn't walked out of that room and away from her.

How do I know I won't make the same mistakes with this next baby? Thinking of a baby sleeping terrifies me to no end. As it is, I'm constantly checking that my husband and Emily are breathing at night. I barely sleep anymore. I picture how i found her, like it was her reaching to me when I walked out that door and falling and dying right then. Do I know that it isn't completley my fault? Of course I do, but how could anyone not question themselves? Its impossible to not. Do you think I like telling myself I don't deserve a second chance? It kills me to even think it but it doesn't stop my brain from wondering.

She was supposed to be it, she was supposed to be my last and then she dies and I pressure my husband into getting me pregnant again and now I don't know what I'm doing. . I have a child in school all day long and what do I do to contribute to our family? Nothing I keep a mostly clean house clean. Woopie freaking do. All I wanted to do was be a mom and now I'm just half a mom.

I know that I should be down on myself, but it comes in these bursts and I cannot help it. I am not suicidal, I am not overly freaking depressed. I can function, I smile I laugh. I can still enjoy life. I have every right to be sad when i want to be sad because the light of my life is not here anymore. I have this right. Until you have walked a day in my shoes you will never understand this raw unbearable pain. The longing to hold and kiss her again. To see her grow up. It isn't fair.

I'm tired.

1 comment:

Monica said...

You are right, I don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes, but I do know that you're not half a mom, as you put it. You are the only mom your other daughter has, and you'll be the only mom this next baby has. Being a stay at home mom/wife takes a special kind of person, so give yourself more credit in that area. You're still picking up the pieces and you're dealing with a LOT more than most people do who DO have full-time outside the home jobs and more children. And you're doing a GOOD JOB of doing that. Keep on keeping on. I think about you often.